After the mind-blowing events of last night I’d be asking myself only one question: How can we ruin the specialness of this one-in-a-million night by rejiggering the rules to make it happen every year? Here are some proposals I’m sure they’re thinking about.
If I Were Major League Baseball
• After the big Labor Day crowds have melted away, suspend the star pitchers of teams that are ahead by more than six games.
• If a team in contention is playing a team that has clinched its spot, the team that’s clinched has to use a special Heartbreak Index to decide if it should start its regulars. The Heartbreak Index will be compiled by the Quantitative Analysis Department of the Boston Red Sox.
• If all else fails, MLB will simply revise the standings to bring the teams closer together. They will do this on the last weekend of the season, when it will go unnoticed since everyone’s watching football.
(Note: Also, if I were Major League Baseball, I imagine I’d be business-pretending-to-be-social friends with the people from Gillette and Ford and the erectile-dysfunction manufacturers. I’d also have a lot of bylaws and stuff instead of internal organs.)
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