For a little while there, I thought that this week would be one of the least-worst weeks yet of the 2012 NFL season. Without a plethora of pathetic poopy-pants pratfalls, how was I to harvest an abundance of GIFs for your chuckling pleasure?
The Week in Worst: Phil Rivers rides again
Once again, the NFL stunk up the joint. Here are the week’s worst plays, in GIF form.
J. Meric
Bill Hanstock is a writer, author and Emmy Award-winning producer. He began writing for SB Nation in 2011.
But then: the San Francisco 49ers played the St. Louis Rams. And the San Diego Chargers played the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. And the Seahawks and Jets and Eagles all chipped in. And lo, it was good. By which I mean it was terrible. And just like that, a week of hey-not-so-bad-you-guys was transmogrified into a week of oh-my-god-are-you-kidding-me-with-this-horsepuckey? And that's how we make the donuts.
So sit back and enjoy the sour grapes. And the Philip Rivers. Oh, Philip Rivers. Here's hoping that your terrible mustache will keep us all in business for a long time to come.
Here are the worst plays in the NFL for the week of Nov. 6-12.
Worst Pass
Player: Tom Brady
Date: Nov. 11
This touchdown wouldn't have counted anyway, but mercy, this skip-pass was not Tom Brady's finest moment. Check out that arm motion as he shot-puts it in his receiver's general direction. For added enjoyment of this GIF, please imagine Brady yelling, "JUST TAKE IT," followed by an assortment of Jerry Lewis noises right before he heaves the ball.
Worst Dropped Pass
Player: Wes Welker
Date: Nov. 11
This happened earlier in the Patriots-Bills game and it really should have been an easy touchdown for Wes Welker. Instead, the little guy couldn't hang onto it, leading to some extensive "hey maybe the sun was in his eyes!" white receiver apologism from the announcer team. Personally, my favorite part is his DOUBLE SUPER TRIPLE REVERSE JUKE to beat his defender, which is basically just him stomping his feet and then giving the dude a Khali chop.
Worst Fumble
Player: Mark Sanchez
Date: Nov. 11
This is more or less the obligatory “Handsome Mark Sanchez fumbles a football” entry of the week. Never change, Handsome Mark. Never stop coughing up that football. You won’t, of course, but it’s nice of us to ask anyway.
Worst Attempt At Catching Football With Head
Player: Jason Avant
Date: Nov. 11
DOINK.
DOINK.
The ball moves his whole head down! It’s like the football is Mario and his head is Buzzy Beetle and the game of football is that stupid pyramid level from World 2 of Super Mario Bros. 3 that you always skipped past anyway because why are you playing Mario 3 and not using Warp Whistles, you idiot?
Worst Touchdown Celebration
Player: Golden Tate
Date: Nov. 11
What ... what the hell was that, Golden? Let’s check that out from the reverse angle.
What are you ... why did ... a shrug, followed by -- what? The Urkel? The Bartman? The Hully-Gully? And then capped off with a Scutaro Shawshank. Horrid.
You edged out Michael Crabtree for worst TD celebration this week. Michael Crabtree. Did you see what he did? He churned butter sexily while a teammate grabbed his head. AND YOU WERE WORSE. We love you, Golden, but please get a personal celebraish trainer.
Worst Missed Field Goal
Player: David Akers
Date: Nov. 11
Hoo boy, this game between the Niners and the Rams. This dang old game. The first tie game in the NFL since 2008, of course. But more than that, this game was an adventure. An experience. It sort of exposed both teams, in a way, but the game was so bad that it went all the way around to being good again. Then it went to overtime. Then it was so bad that it was hilarious, like The Room. BUT THEN. Then it became so god-awful, so absolutely absurd in every way, that it became one of the very best games I’ve ever seen. Like the greatest farce of football that’s ever been perpetrated. Like it was written by David Mamet. I didn’t want it to ever end, but then it did. In a tie. Perfect.
This kick, though. This was the culmination of a solid five minutes of the broadcast team reminding everyone that David Akers was automatic -- nay, infallible from this distance. And then he shanked it so hard that the football actually bleated. The call from the booth as the kick missed? “NO. NO. NO.” The wailing. My heavens, the wailing! Hang on, we’re not done with this game yet.
Worst Awareness
Team: San Francisco 49ers
Date: Nov. 11
In the first half of the Rams-49ers game, there was a fake punt from inside the Rams’ own end zone!
The 49ers were completely caught with their pants down. It was a big gamble by the Rams, but a brilliant play. And then, late in the game, the Rams pulled off ANOTHER, even MORE obvious fake punt for a big gain and a first down.
That time it was just embarrassing. Get your head in the game, 49ers. You’ve got the Rams fake punting all over the place. You’ve got punters just airing it out and making you look like rank doofuses (doofii?). You deserve all the tied football games you get.
Worst Flag Toss
Tosser: Bill Belichick
Date: Nov. 11
I’ve never noticed this before -- which is odd, considering how often we make fun of how Belichick dresses -- but you know those sitcoms where the lead actress’ character is depressed or having a bad day, so she puts on her frumpiest clothes and sits on the couch and eats straight out of a carton of ice cream with a giant spoon while they crank the laugh track up to 13? That’s what Bill Belichick dresses like.
He also kind walks like Vicki Lawrence in Mama's Family. And he throws like Matt Cassel.
Worst Interception, Worst Play, Worst Just Everything
Player: Philip Rivers
Date: Nov. 11
Rivers: Hey, there's a red guy there! I LOVE RED! HEY RED GUY HAVE A FREE BALL!
Rivers: What? He's what? WE'RE PLAYING A WHAT?
Rivers:
Rivers: AW HORSECRACKERS
Okay, check out where the Buccaneers intercept this ball. On their own 17 or so. This was a touchdown. This was a game-losing, back-breaking pick-6. I don't know if you've been paying attention, but this, uh ... this hasn't been the best month for Philip Rivers. He's sort of been pooping the bed for a few games now. Just one prolonged, interception-throwing bed-pooping.
Randy McMichael just cannot believe what is happening here.
Phil isn't really taking it well.
This is what happens when you make a decision to grow a mustache like that and you're not a fireman or Jeff Kent. Only bad things can happen to unironic young mustache-wearers in the year 2012, people.
