Slowly, methodically, we continue to work our way through the muscle of the 2012 NFL season and are nearly at the end. We’ve already gnawed our way through most of the gristle and sinew and are approaching the nitty-gritty. It’s just a question of whether we’ll get to the nitty or the gritty first.
The Week in Worst: Butts and bonus meat
This is the first edition of the Week in Worst that features male nudity. You’ve been warned.
Bill Hanstock is a writer, author and Emmy Award-winning producer. He began writing for SB Nation in 2011.
Regardless, there was plenty of “crummy” to go around in Week 15 -- a week that was marred by some gross weather and even the appearance of a naked butt! This week’s column may be slightly NSFW, if you happen to work in a place that considers man-butt inappropriate in a football context. But I don’t even know where you might work if a football butt isn’t appropriate. Maybe in that case, you’re the Pope. But shouldn’t you be focused on Pope business, your Holiness? Sheesh, stop looking at GIFs for five seconds, Pope!
Here are the worst NFL plays for the week of Dec. 11-18.
Worst Missed Field Goal
Player: Mason Crosby
Date: Dec. 16
Not even close. I mean, there's shanking a kick and then there's this. Broadcasters will often call out a bad play, but the commentary that followed this kick took things to the next level. Joe Buck was moved -- after a moment of stunned silence -- to comment, "That's about as bad an effort as you'll see." JOE BUCK said that about someone. There is no more scathing indictment. This is rock bottom. Pray for Mason Crosby.
How did he follow up this kick? With the saddest pirouette you'll see today.
Such a sad pirouette. Ballet may never recover.
Worst Pass
Player: Brandon Weeden
Date: Dec. 16
On a 4th-and-3 situation, the Browns QB opted to huck the ball out of bounds behind the line of scrimmage. To add to the sadfail of the situation, he tosses it out of bounds while the ball is obscured by the score bug in the top-left hand corner. The end result is like the world’s crappiest magic trick. Where’d I throw the turnover on downs? YOU’LL NEVER KNOW.
Worst Fumble
Player: Philip Rivers
Date: Dec. 16
It's been ... it's been a pretty rough year for Philip Rivers and Mark Sanchez. It's been a rough year for a lot of quarterbacks, honestly, but Rivers is sort of starting to pull away for one spectacularly long bed-crapping (Ed. note: gross). Check out this play. Football passes are supposed to go forward, Philip. Surprised you don't know that by now. Did Norv call this trick play? He probably did, didn't he? "The Norv Special," he calls it.
(It's funny, because it's a metaphor for Norv Turner's career.)
(Norv Turner is going to get fired.)
(Norv Turner is going to get fired so hard that they'll have to invent a new term for the level of fired he got.)
(Maybe "super-fired.")
(lol)
Worst Slide
Player: Philip Rivers
Date: Dec. 16
Wait, didn’t we just DO Philip Rivers? What the heck? Dang, and I already used up all my Norv jokes. Well, what do you have for us, Phil? How are you going to top yourself this time?
looooooooooooooooooooooolllll you’re like a Dutch master of being terrible. Never change, Phil.
Worst Touchdown Celebration
Player: Danny Amendola
Date: Dec. 16
Amendola: BYAHHHH TAKE THAT, JERKFACE
Guy minding his own beeswax: ARGH MY EYE
Amendola: BYAHHHHHH
Guy minding his own beeswax: SWEET JESUS MY FACE OH GOD
Guy minding his own beeswax: OH MERCIFUL PANTS WHAT IS THAT BALL MADE OF
Guy minding his own beeswax: IS IT IRON WRAPPED IN SANDPAPER
Amendola: BYURP
Guy minding his own beeswax: TELL MY WIFE I LOVE HER
Amendola: NEVERRRRRRRRRRRRR
Worst Dropped Pass
Player: Devon Wylie
Date: Dec. 16
/doink
Hup wuzzat
/ball bounces off grass, flies away
A FOOTBALL!
/ref blows play dead
I'll field this one, gents!
/rest of game is played
Rest assured that Devon Wylie is on the case! Oh what a reception this shall be!
/Chiefs lose, crowd files out of stadium
/Wylie begins moving hands
I can see it now in my mind's eye! Me, sprinting down the field towards the "end-zone," the "oblong spheroid" safe in my sturdy clutches!
/hands get to waist-level
/time passes
/stadium falls into decay
I shan't let the Chiefs down this time! Of that, I'm certain!
/the robots rise
/mankind is forgotten
/hands meet in front of facemask, empty
What? But -- wh-what is this?! How could this be?
/stops
/ponders
But I was so sure.
/turns to dust
Worst Reaction
Player: Mike Wallace
Date: Dec. 16
In overtime of a vitally important football game, Mike Wallace watched an opponent intercept a pass intended for him. With no one around anywhere, Wallace opted to just watch the guy roll around, rather than make a move to touch him down. Maybe he thought the pass was incomplete. Maybe he thought -- I dunno -- that it was a dragon who caught the ball instead of a football man. But sheesh, fella. Get your head in the game.
Worst Display of Strength
Player: Kyle Love
Date: Dec. 16
I have no doubt that this man is a very, very, extremely strong man. But here are some quick tips on how to make sure that your flexing is impressive, rather than ... not impressive.
- Try to keep arm-jiggling to a minimum
- Make sure you don't have an excess of bonus meat emerging from your jersey arm-hole
- If at all possible, ensure bonus meat is not twice the size of your flexed muscle
- Maybe -- maybe, like ... tuck the bonus meat back a little?
- Jesus, that's a lot of bonus meat
- Maybe let's just lie down for a little while
Worst Coverage
Player: DeMarco Murray's pants
Date: Dec. 16
I would have bet my bottom dollar that this wasn't something we were going to get treated to this week. I hope this image doesn't bum you out in any way or get you down in the dumps. This GIF is actually pretty refreshing. Sort of like a breath of dairy air. Butt you probably get the joke at this point.
Really, the only thing left to say about this is "just click this link." You'll thank me. I promise.
