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‘BMX Bandits’: A movie sort of about bikes

Australia made a movie about BMX in 1983. Sort of.

Dec 13, 2013, 9:04 PM UTC

Bill Hanstock is a writer, author and Emmy Award-winning producer. He began writing for SB Nation in 2011.

There are a lot of really bad sports movies out there. Like, more than you can even imagine. And the problem is, they haven’t just been making these awful sports movies since likeÂ Drumline orÂ Surf’s Up came out. They’ve been making bad sports movies FOREVER. I know some of you won’t really appreciate me saying this, but Pride of the Yankees? That’s a bad sports movie. It is. I’m sorry. Watch it again sometime. On a scale of “good” to “not” it is pretty far away from the “good” side.

Anyway, this week I useÂ Netflix to journey all the way back to 1983, to check out Nicole Kidman’s film debut in a little ditty we like to callÂ BMX Bandits. Wish me luck. Here’s the trailer. Please watch this trailer and realize that I WATCHED THE WHOLE THING.

lol dig the australian version of “in a world ... ” voice

Before the movie even begins, we get an OILED MAN, so maybe I should quit my bellyachin’ and get on board with these BMX-style bandits.

I’m 30 seconds into this movie and this is already the most 80s shit I’ve ever seen.

And the lead actor in this film is apparently named ‘David Argue?”

Well, if you insist. Seriously, this couldn’t be more 80s. Look at these opening credits. LOOK AT THEM.

Are these bros gonna start in on the banditry any time soon? I’m impressed by their tricks, but I was promised some highwayman-style tactics. Also, I don’t know why, but when they do sweet tricks, their bikes make Six Million Dollar Man sounds. Not necessary. The tricks are already neat. You don’t have to add sounds to make them seem more neat. It’s BMX, dudes.

Oh shit yes, finally some banditry. And you know this is some real-deal bandit shit because they are wearing NOVELTY MASKS. I know from films like Point Break and The Dark Knight and The Town that if you’re a true professional, you gotta wear a goofy rubber mask. It’s foolproof.

The guys wearing pig masks are actually making pig sounds -- even when just talking among themselves. So that is a little weird, but whatever. Maybe it’s because of Australia. Oh yeah, this is all happening in Australia. Where will this film rank on the all-time Australian movie list? On the scale from Crocodile Dundee to Walkabout, I mean. Oh, right; Crocodile Dundee isn’t an Australian film. Okay, fine: on a scale from Meet the Feebles to Muriel’s Wedding.

Anywho, the piggies knock off a bank and the Australian police are on the case. While the police are en route, the BMXers (NOT bandits, it would seem) are tearing ass through the streets of wherever and really wanging the hell out of their handlebars.

All I can do is think about the time I was like eight or 10 years old and hanging out with an older friend who was saying something like, “You know how it feels like you’re riding super fast when you move your handlebars from side to side while you’re pedaling?” And I didn’t really learn to ride without training wheels until I was like 13 so I just sort of lied and went, “Heh, yeah, totally.” But I stand by this: it doesn’t look like that herky-jerky motion is actually doing anything beneficial for you, BMX pals.

In the next scene, some buxom saucestress shows up and I think I’m meant to be gawking at her bazongas, but all I can focus on is the guy on the right here’s amazing knock-off Captain America T-shirt.

And sure enough, the two BMXing youths ride past and pinch the ... well, I believe the Australian colloquialism is “bum” ... of the saucestress, who thinks that suitguy pinched said bum. OH WHAT A HILARIOUS MISUNDERSTANDING SLASH ASSAULT. This also somehow leads to a priest getting a mannequin stuck around his neck.

What the eff, Padre? Just let go of the sexdoll.

Anyway, while the two BMXeteer arseholes stand around and chuckle at their horrible actions, this cop steps up behind them and commences to say THE MOST AUSTRALIAN THING I’VE EVER HEARD.

“Awlroight you two. Hope you realize it’s against the lawr to ride yer pushbikes in this plaza. Get out o’ me sight before I book yer.” PUSHBIKES

So while the bandits stash their ill-gotten gains, the two BMXthusiasts walk their pushbikes along the boardwalk and exposition (via bad 1980s ADR) that they REALLY WISHED they had a BMX track of their own; a place where all the local chazzwazzers can go and hang out and just BMX all the livelong day without being hassled by the man. But alas, they have no money! HMMMMMM. HMMMMMMMM.

Next up, there’s this kid, whose slightly divergent body type and the fact that he’s walking out of a candy shop eating chocolate are meant to tell me he is a comedy-relief fat kid. Oh, also because the INSTANT he is on the screen, some synth Bulk and Skull-level WOMP WOOOOMP WOMP WOMP WOMPPPPPP music fires up. It’s like a Moog is farting. Because fat people fart, you know. Have never been able to stop farting. That’s what 80s movies taught me about fat people.

And say, who’s that human lime pushing a shopping cart? WELL SHIVER ME KOALAS IT’S NICOLE KIDMAN.

Who apparently has always looked like that. Anyway, the comedy-relief kid shows up and suddenly it becomes apparent he has a solar light on his visor for some reason and makes fun of her for working. She says she wants to save up to get a bike like he’s got. One that’s sick as. And then he makes fun of her for not having rich parents, because they just give bikes to petulant children who make demands. Okay, so this guy is like if Bulk and Skull were Francis from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure. And Australian. And ... a miner, I guess? Not sure what the hell is up with that visor, bro.

She returns his sick burn, so he pushes her shopping carts she’s just spent ENTIRE SECONDS organizing. She grabs them and says, “Oi, don’t be a creep all your life,” which gets her in HOT WATER with her manager.

Then the kid pushes the carts again, just to be a dick, which leads to this:

So the manager sacks her. Also, the manager wears shorts.

The bikes are also broken because of this. The one guy says, “This is gonna cost heaps!”

You pulled that handlebar off, dude. It goes right back on. Don’t be a dick. You already got her fired.

Nicole changes clothes into a Flashdance reference and the three of them go to a place where they fix their bikes inside and kick it with a bunch of milks in cartons with straws and I’m beginning to think the people who made this movie had never seen a bicycle OR a teen before.

Or maybe milk was HUGE in Australia among teens in the 1980s. I guess I wouldn’t know. Also, maybe bikes work differently there. Maybe the handlebars turn counterclockwise.

The bandits are hanging out in their hideout looking creepy as the head creep shows up and brings them all their cuts of the loot. This is notable for being the first time in cinematic history that a briefcase filled with money was just the guy’s normal briefcase.

Look at that. Pens and shit all stuck in the places where things go. Did the prop master forget to prep a money briefcase so he just used his own and forget to take the stuff out? Or was this a conscious decision? Please, please tell me it was on purpose. I want to live in a world where criminals and bank robbers work a day job but ALSO have to deliver cuts of heist money to people on their way home from the office. You’d only need one briefcase for that. Even if you’re robbing banks, there’s no reason to go hog wild with the briefcase budget, people.

The big bad guy obviously intimidates everyone. Probably because of the Charles Bronson haircut. He says they’re going to pull off another heist in two days. One of the guys seems hesitant but he gets stared down. Sadly, the big bad doesn’t ask him whether he’s a didgeridoo or a didgeridon’t. (I should probably be writing this movie.) They have to move fast, apparently, because the payoff will be a “quarter of a million” and they won’t get another chance like this for a long time. A quarter of a million each! Whoa, Colin Hay was right; this IS a land of plenty.

The guy illustrates how they’ll pull off the heist using toys, which he ALSO HAS IN HIS BRIEFCASE.

What’s up, homie, you couldn’t just explain that happening? You had to have the Matchbox cars in the briefcase? Okay, I take back what I said about the briefcase budget earlier. You can stand to make cuts in other places. ALSO from his briefcase, the baddy withdraws a “special model” of walkie-talkie “all the way from the U.S.” that listens in on the police radio frequencies.

“We can hear them, but they can’t hear us.” Uh, you know, you could just listen to the police scanner and like ... NOT push down the walkie-talkie button. But whatever, I’m not a criminal. I don’t know these things. Just for the record, though:

Things the filmmakers have never seen before:

- Bikes
- Teens
- Criminals
- Walkies and/or talkies

He’s arranged for a shipment of walkies-talkie to come in and they all need to be fixed up. The whole job rests on this, apparently. Wait, he needs a whole shipment of these things? There’s like six dudes in this gang. I don’t understand this heist at all. Already.

MEANWHILE

Wait what the hell is this? Dinghy with outboard motor bandits? I WAS PROMISED BMX YOU LIARS.

Whoa whoa whoa. They’re going out to pillars in the bay to harvest mussels, because they figure the fastest way to make money and solve all their problems is to sell seafood to the local shops. Why don’t you be more Australian, movie.

The bad guys are also in the same area, because how else would this be a wacky mixup movie? They have a pretty bitchin’ boat, which is the 70s conversion van of 80s speedboats. Just look at this bad boy:

That’s seriously the greatest boat in the history of cinema. So the movie has done one thing right so far.

The kids find something they thing is a “lobster pod” and they thing it could be their lucky day, since lobsters go for 10 dollars a kilo! (lol you’re killing me, movie.) But of course, it’s not a lobster anything; it’s the shipment of walkies and talkies, which was delivered in the customary way of being tied to a garbage skiff and tied up with rubber and barbed wire.

Anyway, the kids can’t stop making stupid jokes and the bad guys can’t stop making stupid jokes and bickering and the bad guys go off in search of the kids and their stuff. The kids open the box and find the walkie-talkies, which they reckon to be “a few bucks’ worth.” Nicole Kidman says there’s bound to be be people “down at the club” who will want them. Yeah, probably. In 1983, a walkie-talkie was the closest thing you could get to a smartphone. By which I mean the closest thing you could get to a phone. By which I mean it was like a really shitty phone, but you could use it OUTSIDE. One of the kids says, “We better change the range first. We don’t want kids complaining they can do better with a Kool-E.” And I have less than zero idea what the fuck that means.

This kid goes up to a roof where he pulls out a hilariously long antenna. Also, it’s worth noting that the two protagonists in this film are named Goose and P.J. GOOSE AND P.J. Hopefully Goose ends up better than that other cinematic Goose. You know the one.

Oh, also, P.J. is wearing yimpers.

Hot-cha-cha-cha!

The kids start talking on the walkie-talkies, which comes over the beat cop’s walkie-talkie, which is the EXACT OPPOSITE of what the big bad said these stupid things do and oh my god I don’t care just somebody start BMXing for the love of god.

Now everyone in the dang police station is listening to their conversation. P.J. asks Nicole if she reads him and she says, “I might, if you had any interesting bits.” Oh my god was this movie written by the Australian Shecky Greene? Apropos of nothing, P.J. starts telling a story about his big dick, which is edited around jarringly but this police lady is really enjoying the tale.

Just once I’d like to write about a sports movie that’s not rife with allusions to cock, but I guess the universe has other plans for me. The cops can hear the kids, but the kids can’t hear the coppers. Again; exact opposite. The kids start trying to sell the walktalks, but OH WHOOPS FART SYNTH ALERT.

This kid is ALSO drinking milk out of a carton and eating two bags of fries (or “chips” if you’re in country). He buys one of the walkabout-talkabouts from P.J. for $30 (AUS). Hey, everything’s coming up BMXers! The baddies are still on their trail, though, leading me to believe that this movie should have been called BMX Vs. Bandits. I was hoping it was going to be like Ocean’s 11, but on bikes.

(Note to self: write Ocean’s 11, But On Bikes.)

There is like a 10-minute sequence where the kids try to escape from the bandits by cutting through a cemetery, which somehow involves Nicole Kidman falling into an open grave. I’m not kidding.

The goons are wearing fright masks. One of the kids says the second guy’s mask is so ugly, it makes the first goon look like John Travolta. 30 years ago, John Travolta was a universal benchmark of attractiveness. 30 years ago was a long-ass time.

Goose uses his time in the unmarked grave to try to make a pass at Nicole Kidman. This movie is a little weird. He kisses her with his eyes open.

She admits she’s into P.J. while he listens on a walkman-talkman. Because when you’re hiding out from maniacs in a graveyard, you should keep your radios on. The cops listen in again, trying to figure out who these people are hijacking all their frequencies. In one of the worst a-ha moments committed to film this side of The Da Vinci Code, ladycop says, “BMX! ‘Goose,’ ‘P.J.,’ ‘Powderpuff,’ that’s BMX talk! We’re looking for kids on bikes!” I’m guessing that all the way up to the day of shooting, that page of the script just had three question marks on it.

The kids give the baddies the slip and slash their tires. (To which the criminals hilariously and Australianly exclaim, “They’ve let the tires down!”) The next day, the kids buy all-new bikes and gear. I guess $30AUS went a long way back then!

Wait, now their shirts say “BMX BANDITS.” What the hell?

Whom here is the bandit and whom is the bandit-ee? Nicole busts out all manner of sick tricks in a montage set to a song that appears to be called “I See Boys.” Both guys are smitten, obviously, by her sweet moves.

The “chubby” kid shows up again and wants to buy another walker Texas talker. Wait ... WHY IN THE HELL WOULD HE JUST BUY ONE IN THE FIRST PLACE?! ARGH THIS MOVIE. But of course the enemies are listening in and they track Nicole to the hideout with the intention of killing her. While they’re putting the squeeze to her, we get scenes of people hearing the interrogation at construction sites and leading to a car exploding

and a building being pulled down.

I have no idea why this is happening. At all. Goose and P.J. finally realize Nicole is about to be killed and race off after her. But they’re not too busy to not steal Fart Synth’s ice creams and make him fall in the ice creams and get ice cream on his bottom.

Totally necessary. Totally necessary to be going off sweet jumps and tricking over cars while A GUY IS TRYING TO KILL YOUR FRIEND WITH A MEATHOOK.

They finally get to the marina and manage to joust the villains into the drink and then ... throw crates at them and run away?

Yes, this is a much more sensible plan than like tying them up and calling the cops on I don’t know YOUR MAGIC WALKIE-TALKIES. I don’t even know any more. At any rate, they kids escape to a water park and GO DOWN WATER SLIDES HOLDING THEIR BIKES

Hey, then we’re treated to this kid.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

Everything that goes past, down, or over something in this movie makes a WHOOOOOOSH sound with the flange dialed up to 10. It is excruciating. The 1980s in Australia must have been an incredibly noisy time to be alive. Anyway, the chase continues and is beginning to be like the rolling-down-the-hill scene in Hot Rod, but 30 minutes. This is the longest and most nonsensical chase ever.

That rugby goal should not count, everyone.

It should be noted that the criminals begin chasing them on foot and nearly catch them. THEY NEARLY CATCH PEOPLE RIDING BIKES WHILE RUNNING. Maybe a little less showboating next time, BMX Bandits?

Also, they’re running from criminals attempting to kill them through crowded malls and plazas and never once does it occur to any of them to yell, “HELP THESE TWO GUYS ARE TRYING TO KILL US!” Stranger danger didn’t exist in Australia? (And yes, the chase does involve a pie in the face.)

The baddies spend like five solid minutes attempting to run the kids over with a car inside a warehouse, but everyone is still cracking wise. The two criminals are bickering at one another while driving their car badly and I can’t figure out whether this is supposed to be funny, or exciting, or terrifying, or what.

But after -- I shit you not -- between 20 and 30 minutes, the kids finally get away (naturally). They of course make sure to do some gnarly tricks on their way to safety. They decide to “lie low” rather than go to the cops, because they’ve been selling stolen property.

Hey, geniuses, I think maybe the cops would be more interested to bring in a couple of MURDEROUS PSYCHOPATHIC POLICE IMPERSONATORS WHO HAVE CAUSED THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PROPERTY DAMAGE but again, I’m not an expert in Australian law, so the penalty for grey-market walkie-talkies may be way worse than all that stuff.

Back at the evil bandits’ lair, big bad says they have til noon to find the walkie-talkies (THE ONE THING KEEPING THEM FROM PULLING OFF A HEIST) or they’re dead. At the same time, the cops are looking for anyone riding a BMX bike and carrying a walkie-talkie. So cue Fart Synth.

So the kids get pinched and holy Christmas how tall is teenage Nicole Kidman

The police chief tells them that there’s a reward out from the banks for the arrest of the goons that were chasing them. He says they’re off the hook for the walkies, but insists that Goose and the others stay out of the ... danger zoooone and stay away from the case until the cops have apprehended the baddies.

P.J., however, is convinced that nabbing those crooks is the key to their BMX track. Without hearing how much the reward is for. And knowing they still have to pay back all the costs of the property damage. Because P.J. is a sociopath. So they steal the walkers ... this time from the police ... and rally EVERY BMX KID IN AUSTRALIA.

They use the package as bait for the villains, but the bad guys nab Nicole Kidman as well.

But it’s okay! Because the BMX kids are already spread out everywhere and continue to radio in the location of the creeps, who totally probably won’t kill her this time. This is how two dudes react to their best friend and love interest being kidnapped at knifepoint by people who have already attempted to murder her and state that they are “aching to kill someone.”

Whoa, whoa, dial that concern back a bit, dudes.

The BMX kids find out where they’ve taken her and everyone descends on the scene.

Seriously, she’s the tallest person I’ve ever seen.

The blonde-haired goon, by the way, is named “Dwayne.” And it’s that British/Australian pronunciation of “Doo-WINE” that makes it the least-threatening name ever. The criminals, armed with aluminum baseball bats (and somehow NOT the shotguns they had earlier in the film), are no match for a hundred children on bikes with bags of flour.

NOTE: when watching the film again to get screenshots (not recommended), I caught a quick five-second thing where the criminals attempt to get their shotguns out of the trunk, but Nicole slams the trunk closed, locks it and throws the keys like three feet away. So that’s why they didn’t have guns. Apparently. Also, I caught that the kids on bikes had A NET.

Nicole is once again snatched and taken away, but P.J. manages to run down a speeding garbage truck. (Holy shit, P.J.) And Goose is in hot pursuit.

The main baddie keeps calling the two bumbling goons “prawns” as an insult, so maybe this movie was a huge influence on a young(er) Gordon Ramsay. Somehow it’s more difficult for Goose to catch up to the garbage truck on his BMX than it was for P.J. on foot. Nicole clearly backed the right horse here.

We cut away from this thrilling showdown to show you some people spraying “foam fertilizer” which is a thing I have never once heard of before.

P.J. and Goose roll a tarp down over the windshield to end the chase, because that is TOTALLY A THING YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE SITTING ON THE ROOF OF A SPEEDING GARBAGE TRUCK AND YOUR BEST FRIEND IS IN THE CAB.