Fun with the photo tool: The classification of baseball collisions

There’s no way to introduce this without getting meta, so let’s just dive in. Before every story is published on SB Nation, the author has to search for a picture in the story editor. Write an article about Mike Trout, search the photo tool for “Mike Trout.” Write an article about a bad team, maybe you’ll get good results with “(Name of bad team) strikeout.”

Last week, I made an important discovery. When you enter the word “collides” into the photo tool, a world of wonder opens up. More specifically, you get a bunch of baseball players running into each other. You’ve seen pictures of baseball players running into each other before, but to have them all staring at you at once … it’s overwhelming. Should have sent a poet.

Another discovery: There are five distinct categories of the baseball-collision photo. Here, then, are those five categories.

What’s behind Jonny Gomes? What horrors await Zach Britton if he ventures further up the third-base line? Is Manny Machado on fire? Is Manny Machado moaning about brains? Bark twice if Manny Machado is behind me right now.

What happened? Is this a posed picture? What’s so funny? Has Mike Moustakas always had bad-guy-in-an-‘80s-comedy hair?

Doesn’t anyone notice that Josh Bard is dying? Shouldn’t someone get Josh Bard some help? Is Eric Wedge pointing at Bard and saying, “Great. You killed him” to the umpire? What could possibly be so important in a Mariners game?

Why is Tim Lincecum blocking the plate? Isn’t Tim Lincecum blocking the plate a bad idea? Shouldn’t Tim Lincecum not be blocking the plate? Tim Lincecum probably wouldn’t block the plate if he had it to do over again, right?

The Tigers’ infield defense.

Jeff Francoeur’s contributions to the Royals’ stated goal of winning baseball games.

The Houston Astros.

Say, aren’t you a little close to the play, Greg Gibson?

Oh. Right.

Martin Prado distracted Brian O’Nora with his “Draw me like one of your French girls” pose, while Ryan Zimmerman came in behind him for the kill. Brilliant work, all around.

Oh, you don’t know what Hellenistic art is? Sorry about that. I thought you would have known. Here’s an example:

Yeah, I didn’t know what it was either. I spent about an hour googling “PAINTINGS OF DUDES IN PAIN OR SOMETHING” and related searches until I found the Hellenistic page on Wikipedia. But you know the format. Those paintings and sculptures where everyone is in complete and utter agony. Most baseball collisions have a great chance to qualify for this category. Few have the photographer in right place at the right time.

It’s the indifferent Brett Wallace that makes this one art. Jose Altuve is in pain. Brian Bogusevic is flummoxed and incredulous at what he sees before him. Brett Wallace doesn’t give a damn.

It’s almost better when you think that it’s a top-down shot, and that Matt Angle is lying down like the guy in the “Just” video, with Nolan Reimold asking him what’s wrong.

The other ones are paintings. This one is clearly a sculpture. Like Brett Wallace above, Craig Gentry’s calm acceptance of his fate sells the agony even more.

In a just world, Ross would have become a meme, photoshopped into all sorts of amusing places and situations, until we all tired of the meme about six hours later.

That is not Michael Bourn walking in on something that shocks him! You are 5 years old!

Gordon Beckham was just trying to soften his fall! The curious face that Peter Bourjos is making is just a coincidence! You are awful!

And this is probably the right place to slowly back away from the article.

(You are still 5 years old. What is wrong with you?)