Super Bowl commercials 2013, for all y’all consumerists and total suckers out there

During timeouts, there were also some classic commercials, including one authored by Budweiser.

The best of the Budweiser bunch by far was the spot in which a man raised a Clydesdale horse from birth, helping it along until it finally went to join the others with Budweiser.

There’s a statement I believe in my heart to be true, with regard to Super Bowl commercials: you never know what the heck is gonna happen with Super Bowl commercials. Now, some of you might say that you do know what the heck is gonna happen with Super Bowl commercials, and all I can do is ask that you have some patience with me. I’m trying, but I’m just not there yet.

With this bunch of Super Bowl ads in the books, it’s time to dole out some awards.

The late Paul Harvey starred in what is certainly the most memorable Super Bowl commercial of 2013. It was positively striking: the folksy cadence of his voice, familiar, amongst other social sets, to any kid who grew up listening to the station that carried Rush Limbaugh in the 1990s. He was the superior Andy Rooney and the friendlier News of the Weird. And Sunday night, just under three years after his death, I heard him when I never figured I would: during a Super Bowl truck commercial. And Hell, is it ever a commercial.

The imagery is arresting. It’s something we haven’t seen all night; it’s ... art. Remember Clint Eastwood’s “up with America, get off your ass” appearance in last year’s Super Bowl? Seems like these moments come to us in the second half, buried in the early minutes of the fourth quarter. Enjoy your light beer ads. If you sleep on this, the loss is yours.

I’ve watched Mercedes’ Super Bowl commercial three times now, and I still had to look up the name of the car to remember what the Hell they were advertising. It is the CLA, and it looks like every other car ever because cars in Americans drive in the 21st century are heartless steel bubbles. Its ad features Willem Dafoe as the Devil:

Man, Willem Dafoe has played some creeps over the years. In Speed 2, he was the villain who put leeches all over his body and called them “my babies.” In The Boondock Saints, he played the detective who our own Bill Hanstock memorably described as “a gay character written by a guy who had never actually met or seen a gay person.” Now we see him as a sharp-fingernailed Satan.

This Super Bowl, Pepsi offers us a commercial for their Pepsi Next product. It seems like a pretty phenomenal product, given that one apparently doesn’t have to open the can before drinking it. Watch at 0:22 as the parents demonstrate a feature that is bound to revolutionize the soft drink industry:

The dad even tilts the can near-sideways to really drive it home. I guess you just consume the soda via wi-fi or something. (By the way, in case it’s driving you crazy: you do know the dad’s actor. He is John Gardner, and you know him from Hanes’ “Bacon Neck” ad.)

In this ad, a high school kid is going to the prom by himself. Bummer, bro. But his dad gives him the keys to his Audi. Hell yeah, bro. He cruises to the school and parks in the principal’s spot. Hell yeah, bro. He walks straight up to the prom queen and ambushes her with a kiss.

Swear to God, y’all, your ears and mine perked up when you heard Gus Johnson’s play calling in Hyundai’s Super Bowl commercial. I think I speak for all right-thinking individuals when I say I wish we were hearing him for hours this evening, rather than seconds. I really, really hope to see Gus Johnson work play-by-play, color, sepia, grayscale, whatever, in a Super Bowl before I die.

This’ll do for now, I guess.

Axe would like to send 22 of you into space. The point of going to space is to impress and attract women. The rest of you get to purchase deodorant. This is the message broadcast by Axe’s “Apollo” Super Bowl ad:

If you register via Axe’s website, are selected as a finalist, and successfully complete space training, SpaceXC will send you on a sub-orbital spaceflight -- in other words, probably about 62 miles above the Earth’s surface. While it’s certainly not a deep-space expedition, sub-orbital flight is quick enough to travel from Europe to California in an hour.