A review of all the files on Jeffrey Loria’s laptop

A joke for fans:

Hi, baseball fans & sports fans! I am Jeff Loria! More like Jeff FLORIDA, however, though. All that’s missing is an F and a D. And I plan to be an F-ective club owner, and our team will play great D-fense! So there you have it!

Well we are not the Florida Marlins now; well; crud on a cookie.

Dear computer: save this document for so I can use it later. Save file. Thank you. Exit program.

Exit program.

- 20 pounds of wood.

- Concrete mix

- Bucket for concrete

- Person who knows information about grass;

- Whats the point of a dang ballpark if you don’t have any ball players.

- Ball players

- Ballpark

Dear Miami Herald,

I have written a wonderful story for your newspaper. I certainly hope you print it. Remember to get paper and put it in the printing machine before trying to print. One time I made that mistake with my printer at home. The next day JFK Junior died. Enjoy my article!

--------

MIAMI, FLORIDA -- It seems like as though there is a new scent in town. That’s right: it’s the year 2013 & the Marlins are hungry for more. It’s all thanks to Jeffrey “Killer F-14 Dragon” Loria. And he has smel’t for blood.

“Get out of my fre*king way” he says to an underlackey who works for the team. Loria is all business but everyone loves him because they know that he is getting a good job. Just another day at the ballpark. It is cool that Loria still has a lot of his hair.

Loria has hired over 20 ball players. “He has went & gotten us bats for free,” said one player. “But what I like most is the neat stuff he has on his desk. He has this pen that is super fancy and must’ve cost $50$. He also has one of those click-clack things with the metal balls on a string, like other important people have on their desk. It’s always really nice and neat but you can tell he’s doing work because there are papers everywhere with business stuff on it. Sincerely, Jeffrey Loria Sincerely, ball player.”

What do the Marlins have in store? Who knows well is skies the limit.

--------

IDEAS FOR FAN PROMOTIONS!!!!

1. ThunderStik night. Fans get a free ThunderStik (singular). Fans who attempt to procure multiple ThunderStix and bang them together will be kicked out.

2. Face-mashing night. I will stand at the gate and personally mash the base of my palm into each fan’s face as they enter. They have to stand still and I’ll go like “blehhhhhhhhhh hahahah blehhhhhhhh” and make funny noises like that while I slowly just extend my palm and mush it all over their faces. If they refuse then they will be kicked out.

3. borblehead night

4. fan night fans get a free baseball from the store

5. fan night

Sanders,

As my agent you should be informed that I am tired of owning baseball teams. Fans are stupid. I thought that they would all be robots who would say “I LOVE BASEBALL TEAM BEEP BOOP” and pay me money and come to the stadium and never leave and they’d sit there all year and eventually rust in the rain and I’d have a neato dead army of rusted-out dead robo-husks sitting in all the seats and I’d be able to stand in the middle of the stadium in a toga and say things like “I AM YOUR CAESAR” and “YOU ARE DEAD AND BAD.”

Well it hasn’t turned out that way and I have decided to pursue another creative passion in order which that I may creative passion. I am going to start a blogging empire. There are all sorts of blogs on the web these days and I am confident that I will be able to master blogging just as I have mastered ordering baseball people what to do.

I will be in touch with ideas. I have sent you this email for free.

Sanders,

I have decided to post a collection of video reviews. I will start by reviewing products I have found in my cupboard. It will get millions of “hits,” because folks love videos online. The first one will be free. Then I will charge $ for them.

The file is called JEFFREYS-SAUCE-REVIEWS-1.avi. I will be posting it online shortly.

Sanders,

This is the third email I have sent you for free. I also made and posted a video for free. That makes four things I have done for free this week. I am seeing no dividends. My sauceblog video blog has received only seven views.

I am quitting blogging.

Jeffrey Loria walked down the street in clothings that he liked and that other people; also; as well; liked. Everyone liked Jeffrey so much because he was smart and nice. He had friends of all kinds: lawyers, doctors, black ladies. Everyone liked Jeffrey so much.

Someone walked up to Jeffrey and gave him a hug. A great big hug.

A big hug

• Yovani Gallardo’s DUI: Baseball loves a drunk

• World Series of the Week: Rays vs. Orioles

• Mariners buy majority stake in regional sports net

• Over the Monster: Boston, you’re our home

• The taxonomy of pitch faces: Red Sox