They made me write a baseball-related Sharknado post

So there’s this stupid movie called Sharknado and everyone’s smitten with it on Twitter and Facebook and Livejournal and MySpace and LinkedIn and whatever. It’s a movie about sharks that live in tornadoes. Here’s a quote from it:

I’m tired of these mother******* snakes on this mother******* plane!

Whoops! That’s not it. Regardless, the idea isn’t a new one for SyFy Network: They’ve been playing sci-fi Mad Libs for years. Here are the movies that didn’t go viral:

Not a single one of those was made up. They are all movies that exist. Mansquito stars the guy from Parker Lewis Can’t Lose! But for whatever reason, it didn’t take off. Sharknado did. So you know SyFy Network is going to double down on the stupid hybrids. It’s your fault.

But because the formula is so successful, now I have to do something similar and baseball-related while the Internet is still buzzing. Let’s call it “If Bud Selig were in charge of the SyFy Network.”

I’m so, so sorry.

Premise: Mike Trout’s head on a pterodactyl’s body, and Bryce Harper’s head on an ankylosaur’s body, and they fight to the death to see which hybrid monster the government would deploy to foreign battlefields for the next 20 years. Sets up a sequel with the Machadocabra.

Screenplay excerpt:

Troutadactyl: SKRRRREEEEEEEE

Harperadon: KRAAEEEEEEEEEE

Scout: My god. Those are the first 80-grade pycnofibres I’ve ever seen. Get me the President.

Premise: A mad scientist has injected Jonathan Sanchez with Aroldis Chapman serum, and now the Dodgers’ farmhand is throwing 103-m.p.h. fastballs.

Screenplay excerpt:

Hitter #3: aieeeee my face ahhhhhhhrrrgggh it hurts so bad oh god is that my pancreas what is that doing there aawwhhhhhff oh god blood everywhere blood everywhere

Premise: Buster Posey with Yasiel Puig’s insanity and physical tools.

Screenplay excerpt:

SCOTT COUSINS is getting his mail, sorting the bills from the junk mail. He hears LEAVES RUSTLING. He looks up. Nothing.

He hears it again. Looks up. Creeps toward the bushes in front of his house.

Before he can get to the sidewalk, he’s hit in the back by Yaster Puigsey, and hurtles 50 feet into the street, where a truck decapitates him and drags his flaming, headless body down the street.

Puigsey: Gosh, I am just so sorry about that.

Premise: Mark McGwire and Matt Williams hitting each other with their fists.

Screenplay excerpt:

Premise: Hunter Pence for two hours in 3D.

Screenplay excerpt:

In conclusion, this is the worst thing I’ve ever done, but I’m weak and I was told to and I’m sorry and here is what I think a Harpteradon might look like:

• What happens when Yasiel Puig (gasp) SLUMPS?

• Minor-league also-rans, Major League stars

• Is Matt Cain (5.06 ERA) hurting?

• Hawk & Gordo: A Colorful Life, A Hitter of Destiny