The magic of ceremonial first pitches

To recap, these are all pictures that are found through a search in the SB Nation story editor. The first installment, baseball players running into each other, is here. The second one has to do with the word “errors,” and you can find it here. Sometimes you need a picture of Darth Vader and a Giant Foam Luis Gonzalez, and sometimes you something else. This is the third installment, and it concerns ceremonial first pitches.

Some first pitches, broken into categories:

Among the more common pictures in the photo tool are those of former players. Hall of Famers, Hall of Nearly Greaters, familiar names …

Yeah, like, that. Here are some current and former players.

Like most of us, you’ve woke up thinking Chipper Jones was standing over your bed at night, holding a hatchet, and muttering “No one calls me Larry” under his breath. Now you have a face to sear into your brain for that moment.

Mariners PR person: Hello? Hi, we’re commissioning a 50-foot-banner of Randy Johnson’s face, and we’re hoping you would …

Other end of the line: /click

Mariners PR person: Dammit, not again. There has to be a better way!

Hold on, I have a theory on why Matt Cain’s ERA doesn’t match his peripherals this season. It has to do with defensive positioning. Hear me out …

Also, rad mustache, Barry Zito.

The Giants are apparently big on this sort of thing, as they’ve let Hunter Pence throw a first pitch.

And the Phillies let Cliff Lee throw a first pitch for some reason.

And while Brayan Peña didn’t exactly throw this first pitch, this is just about the Royalsiest picture I’ve ever seen.

That would be a Royal with a comically oversized mitt, unable to catch a baseball. Royals!

Some of the most legendary sports figures in history have thrown a first pitch recently. Jerry Rice. Magic Johnson. Sadaharu Oh. But none of them came close to the pitch face of Wayne Gretzky.

It must be a Toronto thing, because I have a new screensaver for you.

Golden Acapulco nights, indeed. Nothing is going to top a Geddy Lee pitch face -- with bonus midriff! -- and that’s mostly Gene Simmons’s fault for being so danged cool under pressure.

Now Pam Grier doesn’t have the best pitch face …

… but at least she threw the ball so hard that it made it explode into a fiery ball of cork, leather, and stitches.

And finally, this:

You’re welcome.

Look, if you don’t know what Rule 34 is … you’re probably not going to want these pictures in your head when you Google it or click that link to the Wikipedia page. But here are some Rule 34 pictures, along with a snippet of slash-fic for each one.

Sample slash-fic:

… I put on my robe and camouflage wizard hat …

Sample slash-fic:

She hand-fed him felt-covered cod after felt-covered cod. He lay on the divan, languidly looking up at the ceiling.

“Aren’t you hot in that felt-covered seal costume, eating felt-covered cod?”, she asked.

Sample slash-fic:

oh hell no i’m not writing thatAnd, finally, there’s one last category that’s near and dear to my heart.

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