“Hey, Frank?”
The U.S. speed skating suits are crotch-tastic
“Welcome to the Winter Olympics! Here is my crotch.”
Bill Hanstock is a writer, author and Emmy Award-winning producer. He began writing for SB Nation in 2011.
“Yeah, Jim?”
“What do you think about these new speed skating suits?”
“Oh, you mean the ones that we, at Lockheed Martin, helped create?”
“Yeah, those ones.”
“Gee, I dunno. I mean ... they seem fine to me.”
“I was just wondering ... ”
“What’s up, Jim?”
“Well, if you only put color in one specific place on the suit, maybe it shouldn’t be ... the crotch.”
Under Armour, Lockheed Martin design US speed skating suits #Sochi2014 -> http://t.co/4xpln29sxr pic.twitter.com/qx5yFlTGmx
— Phil Hecken (@PhilHecken) January 16, 2014 “I’m not sure what you’re getting at.”
“Well, it seems to call attention to the crotch.”
“Yes, the powerful fulcrum of the body. That’s where all the power in generated!”
“Hm.”
“The fearsome might and girth of the inner thigh will strike fear into the hearts of opponents!”
“It’s just ... ”
“Oh, what now Jim?!”
“I mean ... the crotch ... ”
“Yes.”
“Well, that’s ... that’s where the genitals are.”
“ ... ”
“ ... ”
“Are y-- My god, man, are you sure?”
“Yes. All the genitals. Right in the crotch.”
“My God. MY. GOD. CALL RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT.”
“HOW DID YOU NOT -- ”
“THIS IS NO TIME TO POINT FINGERS.”
“OH GOD OH GOD WE’RE RUINED.”
- fin -
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