Mayor of St. Louis responds to Cardinals being ‘hateable’ by acting like complete asshole

St. Louis mayor Francis G. Slay took time out of his busy schedule of watching his state burn to the ground to write in to the Wall Street Journal and complain about the St. Louis Cardinals topping the paper’s “hateability index” for the playoffs. Some highlights from Slay’s “rebuttal” include:

On the strength of its pennant collection and rabid fan base, which both travels to opposing stadiums and refers to itself as a “nation,” my hometown St. Louis Cardinals came in first.

Good call, Mayor. Saying, “We win all the time and you can’t get away from us anywhere” is the perfect rebuttal to “Everyone hates your stinking guts.”

You see, while you might think of St. Louis as flyover country and not pay us much due, we’re kind of a big deal come October on Major League Baseball diamonds. In fact, we’re kind of a big deal for a number of reasons.

The one-two punch of, “Oh, poor little us in flyover country that nobody ever pays attention to, ever” combined with the shit-tacular snideness of unironically invoking “We’re kind of a big deal.” Well played. Already hating the Cardinals WAY less over here.

Thus, I feel compelled to deliver a simple message to America: We’re sorry.

Sure, we’re sorry the Cardinals have won 11 World Series championships, two since 2006. But there’s much, much more for which we owe all of you a heartfelt apology.

Indeed, we’re sorry that New York and San Francisco are 2.3 times and 1.7 times respectively more expensive to live in than the St. Louis metro area.

But you just said that you were in flyover--

Ugh, never mind. Slay then goes on to “apologize” (with maximum false modesty and smarminess) for being the best at a bunch of other stuff, including “raising” Jon Hamm and “sending him out into the world” to entertain us. Keep digging that hole, dude.

We’re sorry for our diverse community in that more Bosnians-over 60,000-call St. Louis home than anywhere outside of Bosnia.

Uh. Hm. Even using irony, “we’re sorry we have Bosnians” is a bad look, Slay.

The point is that we here in the Midwest are not a boastful people. We’re humble and quietly go about our business, inventing the things you use every day, entertaining you, finding employment for your citizens and handing you losses on the baseball field regularly. (We’re especially sorry to Chicago.)

Don’t hate us because we’re beautiful here in St. Louis. But if you do, just know that we’re sorry. Go Cards!

If this whole thing is an acknowledgment that the self-proclaimed “Best Fans in Baseball” are leaning into them being completely unlikable, front-running assholes, then fine. But given what the non-Cardinal “Nation” baseball world has experienced from Cardinals fans for the past ... approximately 20 years, Slay genuinely believes what he’s saying; that no one could possibly hate St. Louis or its sports teams and that everyone should be licking their boots because they’re the best at everything and not only keep America great, but keep it running.

In other words: your response is the exact reason every non-Cardinals fan hates you and your ilk.

I would be tempted to wrap this up by saying “Go fuck yourself,” but I’ll go ahead and let a Missouri native and Cardinals fan have the last word: