‘Survivor’ has the worst baseball swing ever

I certainly hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. (Thanksgiving, of course, being the reason why this recap is late, but I dearly hope you’ll forgive me.) Now that you’ve seen your family and eaten your fill of bird and bread, let’s recap a bunch of supposedly-hungry people griping about petty BS. So it’ll be like a second Thanksgiving, basically.

After innumerable machinations, Wes ended up being voted off the island. Or estuary or whatever it is this season. Let’s find out how we got there.

- SLOTH.

- Keith: “Reed knows how to talk to people, figure stuff out, mathematic numbers and all that mess, which is way above me.” Keith, please do not sell yourself short. I’m sure you know at least a couple of mathematic numbers. (By the way, I really hope Keith wins.)

- The reward for the physical challenge is that the winning team gets to deliver baseball gear to underprivileged Nicaraguan youth. I was thinking that was super sweet that was their reward, but the team also gets to eat “baseball food,” which is, as listed by Jeff Probst, “Hot dogs. Hamburgers. Caramel corn.” I guess that’s pretty accurate. Just toss in “plastic tray of nachos with Dayglo-yellow cheese glop” and you’ve got a stew going, baby.

- Here is a Vine of Probst yelling “GO BLUE” for all you Michigan fans:

- The baseball game and donation was actually really cool. One wonders whether the producers were hoping John Rocker would still be around for this. He probably would have wanted to blow one by one of the kids.

- Jon hits a baseball like this:

Great Sparty form on that one, Jon.

- Natalie describes her and Baylor’s newly-acquired immunity idol as “so sick.”

- During the Immunity Challenge, after Missy taunts the others, Baylor says, “Mom! Shut up, homie G.” Baylor, no.

- Probst: “Jaclyn and Baylor just gave up a shot at a million dollars for five chocolate chip cookies and two glasses of milk.” I mean, who among us?

- After Jeremy being voted out, Natalie complains to her maybe-alliance, saying she doesn’t feel like she can trust any of them now. Pretty sure this show is called Survivor, Natalie. Not ”

- This episode reminded us that Baylor and Natalie found a clue to an immunity idol (apparently the last immunity idol?) when they were both on Exile Island several episodes ago. And ... apparently neither Baylor nor Natalie felt the immunity idol was worth actually looking for until now. This is definitely one of those moments that supports my “nobody on Survivor actually understands how to play Survivor” talking point. But that’s fine, since it just means I’m not the only one who doesn’t understand it.

- Probst, during running commentary for the physical challenge, yells, “PANIC IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.” Ayo then shut up for three seconds, you goon.

- Natalie says they want to get Jon out, but they have to vote one more guy out first before eliminating Jon, so they’ll still have a majority of girls. Psssssst, hey, Natalie: Jon is also a guy.

- In probably the dumbest Immunity Challenge ever, Jeff Probst just walks past the contestants -- who are standing on poles -- and occasionally tempts them with things, like a plate of candy.

haha Baylor what are you doing

- After 30 minutes on the poles, Alec says: “It’s like Jesus on the cross up there, baby. If he can live that long up there, I can do it.” Yes, Balls Up’s brother just unironically compared himself to Jesus Christ. Keith nods knowingly. Keith agrees with Alec, I guess.

- After the people have been on the poles for three hours, Wes and Probst start talking about how cool Two and a Half Men is. They left that in the episode. Good job, CBS. You don’t know how hashtags work, but you were able to get some footage of Survivor contestants talking about another CBS show that everyone in the world already watches.

- Reed says he has an “amazing plan” where his alliance will convince everyone that there are five votes for Keith and three votes for Wes, but REALLY, four people will vote for Jon. Jon is somehow convinced that he is safe because BALLS UP’S BROTHER of all people is able to easily lie to him. Jon is possibly the most trusting person in history. JON, PLEASE DON’T BRING ANY BIG WOODEN HORSES INSIDE YOUR HOUSE.

- In a SHOCKING TWIST, both Jon AND Keith play their immunity idols. This is the second smart thing that has happened on the show. If you recall, the first smart thing was #TRAILMIXSCANDAL.

- Probst says they’re all playing the game “in the moment,” following that by saying their current method of playing the game is “aggressive” and “risky” and that they can never go back. Oh no, that sounds serious! Hope you like Nicaragua, everyone!