WWE TLC 2014: The full rundown and why you should care

Sunday night will bring us the final WWE pay-per-view of the year, the awfully-named WWE TLC: Tables, Ladders and Chairs ... and Stairs. Seriously, that’s the name of the thing. The card looks solid on paper and the company has been bringing the heat on PPVs all year long, so I’m expecting it to end up being quite good, but the build-up to this has been an insult to the word “lackluster.”

TLC begins at 8 p.m. ET on Sunday, with a kick-off show exclusively on the WWE Network beginning at at 7 p.m. The kick-off show features bonus coverage exclusive to the Network, including a pre-show “Kickoff Match” pitting Big E and Kofi Kingston of The New Day against Goldust and Stardust.

Let’s dive in and wallow around in this card, let its musk get all over us. Because this is the last PPV of the calendar year, which means January will begin the build-up to the Royal Rumble, which means we’re about to start the Road to WrestleMania. Which is the best time of the year to be a wrestling fan. We just have to get through December. We can do it, everyone. I believe in us.

What am I looking at here? The New Day is one of the most complicated and confusing stables in ... maybe ever. It’s Kofi Kingston, Big E and mostly-manager Xavier Woods. The threesome started off as a dangerous-seeming lurking threat to become a new Nation of Domination. Now they’re a gospel-themed group of good guys in blue tights. It’s possible the WWE is afraid to do what The New Day set out to be. As I said, it’s complicated. Goldust & Stardust are the guys with facepaint.

Why you should care: This is basically a diagram of the entire tag team division (which is a microcosm of the WWE in general): team that had a lot of momentum that was cut off for no reason and is now languishing (Goldust & Stardust) vs. new, potentially exciting thing you’re scared to get your hopes up about (The New Day). I wish nothing but the best for everyone involved here, so let’s hope they all tear the dang house down.

What am I looking at here? The two most (in theory) unhinged and unpredictable wrestlers in the company. In reality, only Dean Ambrose (the guy in the jeans and tank top) is unpredictable and unhinged, but don’t count out Bray Wyatt’s ability to unsettle.

Why you should care: Regardless of how poorly this match has been set up (I’ve already used up my “lackluster” allotment), this will be one of the three best matches on the card, if not the best. These two guys have the chance to put on a match of the year candidate. We’re all just waiting to see how good it will be. And of course, we’re concerned about where they go from here with either individual. That’s pretty key to this whole equation. Regardless, odds are good that Dean Ambrose will deliver a flying elbow off a ladder onto a standing Bray Wyatt. That’s worth the price of admission.

What am I looking at here? Ryback is a spectacularly muscled individual who, if CM Punk is to be believed, is very dumb. Kane is formerly the masked Kane you all know and have an opinion on, but has slowly been transitioning into Meathead Super Dave Osborne.

Why you should care: Boy, I don’t know. I really don’t. No one even knows what a “Chairs Match” is, even though they’ve had one every year TLC has been a thing. It’s just a match where there’s chairs. Which means it’s been every match in the history of wrestling, ever. In theory, EVERY match is a “chairs” match. Just this one won’t result in a disqualification.

What am I looking at here? The Miz is the former star of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge and Damien Mizdow is his Hollywood stunt double. The Usos are the twin sons of Rikishi. You remember Rikishi. He’s the dude with the butt.

Why you should care: This is going to be the Damien Mizdow show. Just keep watching him. You won’t be sorry. Not even a little bit.

What am I looking at here? Erick Rowan is an award-winning vintner and all of his books smell of rich mahogany or whatever. He’s a formerly brainwashed redneck in a sheep mask and coveralls and has a beard so enormous that, as a fellow beard-owner for the past umpteen years, it bothers me deeply when I think about what his mealtimes must be like. The Big Show is the world’s largest athlete. He once lost a wrestling match to Floyd Mayweather.

Why you should care: Believe it or not, but this “Stairs Match” looks like it’s going to be another dud. Unless it’s a match to see who can climb more stairs before getting winded. That, I’d be excited about.

What am I looking at here? Nikki Bella is the hossier and more well-rounded of the two Bella twins. She wears a baseball cap. Her finisher is called the “Rack Attack,” which is what amounts to wit in the WWE. AJ Lee is the best women’s wrestler on the main roster (that actually gets matches and TV time) and wants her title back.

Why you should care: They just might have another good match!

What am I looking at here? Rusev is the Russian superhero who loves his country and has never lost. Jack Swagger is the guy from America who loves his country and pretty much exclusively loses. These two guys started and ended a prolonged feud like literally two months ago and here we are again all of a sudden. We were JUST convinced this feud was over, because it ended in a decisive series of losses for Swagger.

Why you should care: [FILE FOOTAGE MISSING]

What am I looking at here? Luke Harper is another giant hillbilly with a cringe-inducing beard. He’s now free of the shackles of Bray Wyatt (we guess) and is roaming the Earth just clotheslining the absolute hell out of chumps. Dolph Ziggler looks like you dropped top ramen on a He-Man figure.

Why you should care: These are possibly the two best wrestlers in the WWE right now and they’re in a ladder match for the Intercontinental title. There is no part of that that isn’t exciting. The crowd is RABID for Dolph right now, even though the WWE seems to not really care about arresting his momentum whenever they see fit (which is constantly). These guys both feel like they have something to prove. Ziggler will likely be wrestling with a sizable chip on his shoulder. They’re going to lay waste to everybody on the card. It’s going to be incredible.*

*I promise to not get too upset if this doesn’t live up to my hyperbole.

What am I looking at here? One of these guys is Mekaneck with a blonde streak in his hair. The other guy is John Cena. Seth Rollins has the Money in the Bank briefcase, which entitles him to a world title match at any time (that Brock Lesnar feels like showing up) and John Cena is the No. 1 contender for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. If Cena loses, he will no longer be the No. 1 contender.

Pssst, hey, WWE: STOP TELEGRAPHING THE FINISH OF JOHN CENA MATCHES. We already know he’s going to win. The stipulation doesn’t ALREADY have to be “And we’re making this a John Cena Wins Match!”

Why you should care: Seth Rollins is yet another guy on this card who will be wrestling like he has something to prove. John Cena, as is his usual M.O., will do everything he can to make Rollins look great, right up until the end, when he ignores Rollins’ finisher and Attitude Adjusts him through a table.