Shin-Soo Choo’s at-bat music wins Opening Day

It’s a story at least as old as the thrill of the first pitch on Opening Day. A man in sweatpants, who is possibly possessed or something, is on a rooftop when he suddenly and very determinedly begins dancing his ass off. Shortly thereafter, he crashes through the roof and into the apartment of an unsuspecting woman. Terrified, she throws flower pots at him, which he casually smashes with his bobbling sweatpant-encased penis. Soon, she is overcome and dancing spasmodically herself. Somewhere in there, a man’s face melts.

Again, Dancing Sweatpants Penis Man and his new partner crash through the ceiling, this time onto the dinner table of an unsuspecting family. Again, they are terrified and then overcome. And again, various body parts begin behaving in strange ways and all start GETTING IT to the best of their abilities. Then through another ceiling, and into a party, which they proceed to destroy. The song “Turn Down For What,” by DJ Snake and featuring additional bellowing by Lil’ Jon, is only a little over three minutes long. There is no telling how much damage the people in its supremely psychotic and brilliant music video might have done if it were even a minute longer. This is, admittedly, not yet sports-related.

And that, more or less, is our standard for covering things like this. We are liberal in our interpretation of sports, but not usually so liberal that penis-smashes-flowerpot qualfies. We can tell you that the video -- directed by Daniel Scheinhert and Daniel Kwan, who is also the star/hero -- is significantly more insane than even the above description suggests. We can tell you that, given that The Daniels were making the video on a budget, Kwan put on a protective cup and actually smashed that crockery. We can tell you that the pairing of song and video is exactly perfect. It would just have been very difficult to tell you that it was sports. This is where Shin-Soo Choo comes in.

The answer, we have confirmed, is yes. And so now, with great pleasure, we can confirm that the video for “Turn Down For What” is indeed sports. So, then, enjoy your sports:

How did this happen? Well, the video is not exactly an underground sensation at this point, and has been viewed more than nine and a half million times on YouTube. But absent any word from Choo himself, we’re left to speculate. So let’s do that.

Choo has already been a part of a media inexplicability since joining the Rangers as a free agent, thanks to his appearance in a full-page newspaper ad for Korean grilled beef that played sort of like those GYROS posters that show up in diners, except this particular ad ran in the New York Times. We must at least consider the possibility that Shin-Soo Choo is the foremost absurdist in baseball, fairly easily outpacing the New York Mets bullpen, and that his goal is to put some weirdness into baseball fans’ minds, in some way, every day.

Choo has not yet commented on how the song made its way into his at-bat routine. There may not be an answer to find, really, beyond “it’s a catchy song and the guy in the video humps the hell out of some televisions, which I enjoyed watching.” There is no reason to wonder too much about it, really. We might as well just embrace this.

This news brings us all one step closer to what we must all consider our ultimate goal, which is commissioner Bud Selig watching the video for “Turn Down For What.” But there’s no reason to ask too many questions. This is all sports, now. Sports don’t have to make sense.