What is Kobe Bryant’s mysterious press conference really about?

Kobe Bryant is not a free agent. There are no real rumors swirling around Kobe Bryant this offseason, and by all accounts, his recovery from injury is going more or less as it should be. There is no reason for Kobe Bryant to have called a press conference on Wednesday night, and so naturally Kobe Bryant has called a press conference for Wednesday night.

• "I'm here to talk to you all about how Herbalife can change your life -- and give you the financial independence you've always dreamed of. I will not take any questions, and none of you can leave. The doors are locked and this is going to take about 45 minutes."
• "We're making feature films now. Big budgets, good production value, the whole deal. I play all the characters. Mamba out."
• "Remember when I had the little soft afro thing a few years ago? I was thinking of growing that again. I wanted to let everyone know about it enough in advance that they can prepare however they need to."
• "I want to address all the rumor-mongering about my recent weight gain. What the media isn't telling you is that I've been eating sports ham. It helps me do sports."
• "During my time away from the Lakers, I've had a lot of time to think. Do research. Study up on what's important. And I've come to the conclusion that Beavis is in fact Butthead's son. This sounds crazy to some of you. But let's consider the evidence."
• "I just wanted someone to talk to about how dull Argentina/Netherlands was. What the hell was that? It's like everyone out there ate a fistful of Klonopin right before the game, right?"
• "We're signing LeBron. He wants to play for the Lakers and he's going to do that. By the way, this is legally binding, just me saying this. He's really excited to play with me and Robert (Sacre)."