Dadlyfe: Ranking the Tinker Bell movies

If you have a school-age daughter and do not have a household ban on Disney, then you are well aware that the company has in the past six years found a new way to capture the attention and spending power of young girls beyond the princesses. That new way? The fairies.

Tinker Bell, once a supporting character in Peter Pan, is now a superstar in her own right, with her own film franchise of six films (and a seventh on its way). It’s not just Tinker Bell, either: she has friends, ensuring that there is a Disney Fairy for every personality.

If you have a young daughter, you will have to watch a Tinker Bell movie at some point (assuming you haven’t watched them already). Allow me to help you make this experience as tolerable as possible with these Tinker Bell Movie Power Rankings. Note: Nothing below is guaranteed to be accurate or fair.

APPROXIMATE PLOT: Tinker Bell sneaks into the Winter Woods, where frost fairies live. There, she discovers the twin sister (Periwinkle) she never knew she had. But regular fey like Tink can’t live in the Winter Woods (they will die of hypothermia) and frost fairies can’t live in Pixie Hollow (they will melt). Tink doesn’t care, so she creates a device she thinks will allow Periwinkle to live with her. It explodes and threatens to freeze the Pixie Dust Tree and end all of feydom. Tink and friends somehow save it and she learns her lesson. She is destined to live apart from her twin forever (except at Disneyland where they hang out together to take pictures with visitors).

WHY IT’S WATCHABLE: This is the top grossing Tink movie to date, but I’m seriously coming up empty. This is not good.

PLOT HOLE THAT YOU WILL PONDER ENDLESSLY: In the Tink canon, fairies are born when a human baby first laughs. We saw Tink’s creation in the first movie in the series, and it was from a single baby, not a twin. So how does one human baby produce two fairies? And how does one twin end up in Pixie Hollow and the other in the Winter Woods?

DISTURBING INCLUSION: There are *two* love affairs in this children’s movie, neither including the main character. One of them is between the rulers of Pixie Hollow and Winter Woods. WHY?

MORAL: Do not cross the border.

APPROXIMATE PLOT: Tink breaks something important and must travel somewhere far to replace it. The future of feydom hangs in the balance. Along the way, the stubborn Tinker Bell learns to accept help and be a better friend.

WHY IT’S WATCHABLE: It’s actually kinda dark for a movie of its ilk. Tink is at times unbelievably human, by which I mean to say angry and hurtful. But otherwise I do not recommend this one.

PLOT HOLE THAT YOU WILL PONDER ENDLESSLY: Tink is a tinker fairy: she fixes and invents things. This is her Talent. (Other fairy Talents include gardening, animal husbandry and fast flying.) She breaks the important thing but instead of fixing it -- as she is usually very adept at! -- she goes on some crazy, dangerous journey to replace it. WHY?

MORAL: Don’t be mean to your friends. Accept help.

APPROXIMATE PLOT: Pixie Hollow holds an Olympics-like event. The Garden Fairies are like the Cubs of Pixie Hollow. Rosetta, a red-headed Southern belle voiced in this film by Kristin Chenowith, has a fear of dirt she must overcome to win the Pixie Hollow Cup for the Garden Fairies.

WHY IT’S WATCHABLE: It’s the shortest of the bunch. Also, sports!

IMPORTANT EXCLUSION: There is basically no Tinker Bell in this movie! This might be a dealbreaker for your daughter.

PLOT HOLE THAT YOU WILL PONDER ENDLESSLY: If the Garden Fairies breaking the streak is so important to the core crew of fairies -- and it is, as the certain theme of the plot -- why don’t Rosetta’s friends conspire to help her and her Garden Fairy partner Chloe win? Instead, they legitimately compete against her. Also, did we really need an obviously villainous team (the Storm Fairies) never heard from again? Where’s the gray area?

MORAL: If you do not like dirt you are going to be a terrible gardener and lose at everything.

APPROXIMATE PLOT: Tink is born and learns about Pixie Hollow. She is determined to be a Tinker Fairy. She is not amused. She tries to convert to the other fairy types but fails. Vidia, a Fast-flying Fairy who becomes a Tink frenemy, is a jerk, leading to crisis for feydom. Tink uses her Tinker skills to save the day.

WHY IT’S WATCHABLE: Superior world-building. Interesting take on fairy lore.

BIGGEST PROBLEM: The class system Pixie Hollow employs is disturbing, and it will come back to bite them again. Your job is determined at your birth, and there’s no changing it! How about a little fairy agency, Disney? Also, how fairies age is totally incomprehensible.

DISTURBING MOMENT: An apparently full-grown male Tinker Fairy (Bobble, who is nerdy) gawks at a newborn Tink when she dons her famous dress. This really puts the concerns about how fairies age into the forefront.

MORAL: Your life is predestined. Accept it.

APPROXIMATE PLOT: Tink is too curious for her own good and is kidnapped by a pre-tween human (Lizzie). Her friends try to rescue her but can’t fly in the rain. Lizzie’s father is a biologist of some sort (and a jerk). He doesn’t believe in fairies and chastises his daughter until he captures one of Tink’s friends and goes off to show the museum in London. Drama ensues.

WHY IT’S WATCHABLE: The relationship between Tink and Lizzie is sweet. There is a car chase. A mean cat gets the business. The father is so awful through the majority of the movie that you’re waiting the entire time for his redemption.

PLOT HOLE THAT YOU WILL PONDER ENDLESSLY: One of Tink’s rescuing friends (Silvermist, voiced by Lucy Liu) is a Water Fairy but can’t stop the rain, fly in it or otherwise find a solution? WHY?

MORAL TO DAUGHTERS: Don’t be curious. Stay home. Don’t get kidnapped.

MORAL TO FATHERS: Fairies are real. Believe your daughter. Don’t be a jerk. Put down your phone.

SAD POST-SCRIPT: No spoilers, but I don’t find the father all that redeemable, even in the end when the writers clearly meant for him to be redeemed.

APPROXIMATE PLOT: Zarina is a Dust Fairy who is curious. She gets herself into trouble doing chemistry and is stripped of her job. She runs away and joins a pirate crew, eventually putting most of feydom to sleep, stealing Dust Concentrate from Pixie Hollow and holding Tink and friends hostage before being double-crossed by a young Captain James Hook. Can Tink and friends rescue her and save the day?

WHY IT’S WATCHABLE AWESOME: The two main characters are voiced by GIF superstars Christina Hendricks (Zarina) and Tom Hiddleston (Hook). And Hiddleston sings!

This also digs into the origin myth of Captain Hook (and eventually the Tick-Tock Croc), which is neat. The plot is clearly the strongest of the Tink films.

PLOT OMISSION THAT YOU WILL PONDER ENDLESSLY: Hook’s use of Zarina is intended to allow the Captain to fly to Neverland and plunder the Never Sea, but (spoiler alert) Tink and friends eventually block that from happening. SO HOW DOES HOOK GET THE JOLLY ROGER TO NEVERLAND? We see him meet Smee and get a new ship at the very end, but he’s lost his dust and Zarina. Does he pull another caper? When do we get our standalone Hook movie? (Oh lord, they’ve got me.)

MORAL: Science is cool. Piracy is not.