The Proposition: Fixing prices on the things nobody wants to do

Hello and welcome to our latest effort to waste your Friday afternoon. This is how The Proposition works:

1. Spencer Hall and Jon Bois asked y’all to submit theoretical unsavory activities. Living in a bathroom for a week. Listening to the entire Eagles discography. That sort of thing.

2. Here, we will fix prices on these things, offering the lowest amount of money you’d need to pay us to do them.

3. Spencer and Jon will hang out in the comments for a while, happy to fix prices on more of your Propositions.

Let’s get it. Here are our responses to these Propositions, which we settled on via Gchat.

Jon: just one lick? if he’s consenting, but doesn’t have feelings for me, and i’m not at risk of disease? $20
if he did have feelings for me it’d be a lot higher, because i wouldn’t want to broadcast the wrong message

Spencer: I would do this for free if someone Vines it. Hell, I’ll kiss his face with tongue and lick it I’m taking the fuzz off a peach.
This isn’t gonna go well because I’ll pretty much lick or eat anything.

Jon: $200 per hour

Spencer: I would require $1,000 and hour and whatever legal fees would be incurred when I put Richard Dawkins in the camel clutch theatrically on a Queens subway platform

Spencer: just, no
No money. No amount will do

Jon: i would do that for $100 per episode and then realize the mistake i’d made 14 minutes into it

Spencer: I’d charge about $175 for this

Jon: well, the benefit here is that after 100 feet of running, the corduroys will have completely disintegrated, because corduroys are pretty shit. but i really, really hate running. $300

Jon: is it possible to hang yourself with milk? no? $200.

Spencer: I can slit a wrist with a tortilla chip, something I learned in the corporate school-prisons of Tennessee Sponsored By Chilis. $400 payable to my children and family.

Jon: all that salt, man. it’d be like slipping into a warm bath.

Spencer: You know that Russian probe full of geckos
lost in space, off track, just having sex forever until they died
I’d rather be consumed slowly in that satellite by a bunch of boning geckos than listen to all of Mitch Albom’s books on tape.

Jon: dude’s got ... six books? more? at some point i’m paying time, a thing they can’t print more of. no deal.

Spencer: His wife’s the only person who has to listen to him, right? I’m not his wife. Oh god I hope I’m not Mitch Albom’s wife. That would complicate things for me in so many ways right now.
that’d be REAL bad for me

Jon: oh, it wouldn’t be all bad. he has a nice haircut

Spencer: I’m taller! That means I never get to wear heels!

Spencer: I would do this for less than you think because I think I’ve always been destined to say “It was a bad night in the van last night.”

Jon: i spent a couple years living in an apartment that wasn’t very much bigger than a full-size van. not bad. would be fun to reckon how to be resourceful. $1000.

Spencer: I’d do it for like $700
I have young kids, so it’d be sleeping through the night excepting break-ins and raccoon infestations.

Jon: if the seats can be taken out, this is really not that bad
plus maybe at the end of the month you will be Jewel

[Editor’s note: That is here. Don’t click unless someone pays you money.]

Jon: the whole thing? have you ever done that?

Spencer: Never. I once listened to Kentucky police scanners for like two hours following a basketball win, so it’s probably not much different. $40

Jon: my “sit in a room and do nothing” baseline is $100 an hour, i think. pipe this into the room and i get to at least imagine lou reed laughing his ass off. $80.

Any more Propositions for us? Please share below.