This week’s episode of The Celebrity Apprentice is actually TWO episodes, thanks to the Golden Globes airing from sunup to sundown Sunday (approximately). Terrell Owens, Johnny Damon, Shawn Johnson and Jamie Anderson are all still in the mix as the episodes begin. Will they be given more to do this week? Or will they continue to be mistaken for other, more volatile celebrities? Let’s find out!
‘Celebrity Apprentice’ examines the friendship between Terrell Owens and Gilbert Gottfried
How will our four athletes fare this week? Better than the Jonas brother!
Bill Hanstock is a writer, author and Emmy Award-winning producer. He began writing for SB Nation in 2011.
1. The first task this week is for the two teams (the men’s team of Vortex and the women’s team of Infinity) to create commercials for some sort of app or service called Neat, which scans and organizes your documents or something. (I watched an entire episode where two different teams of people had to create promotional materials for the company and I’m still not clear on the concept.)
2. People doing impressions of Gilbert Gottfried will never not be amazing.
3. Geraldo, miffed that people thought he was overbearing in the first episode, decides to triple down on being Geraldo, loudly taking calls while the Neat people are meeting with Team Vortex in an attempt to undermine project manager Kevin Jonas and basically throwing a temper tantrum any time people don’t listen to his ideas. I was really hoping he’d be fired (I keep wanting to say “voted off,” because I’m permanently scarred from my season of recapping “Survivor”), but alas, he persists through both of these episodes, all while keeping the Annoy-O-Meter pinned on “Geraldo.”
4. Shawn Johnson comes up with concept for Team Infinity’s commercial, where a disheveled woman (Johnson keeps saying “disheveled”) is visited by a Neat “neatologist” (played by team member Vivica A. Fox), who helps her with her problems. It’s not super high concept, certainly, but their commercial wins the challenge, so good for Johnson.
5. Johnny Damon and Terrell Owens were part of the group that was sent to go round up props for Team Vortex’s commercial shoot. So the athletes on the men’s team really aren’t doing a lot thus far, but at least T.O. looks sharp as hell.
6. Kevin Jonas wants to get Geraldo fired (because he’s a human being with ears and emotions and empathy), so he brings Geraldo and Ian Ziering into the boardroom with him, hoping Ian will have his back and they can team up to convince Donald Trump to fire Geraldo. Donald Trump fires Jonas instead, loudly (everything Trump does is loud) proclaiming, “No one outthinks me.” I pause playback for like eight minutes because no one’s ever been more incorrect about a self-assessment.
7. The second challenge is putting together a presentation for a line of healthy, gourmet frozen foods. Team Vortex recommends that Terrell Owens become the team manager, since he has “the most experience with eating healthy.” You know, on the team of lifelong professional actors and whatnot.
8. The love affair between T.O. and Gottfried continues. This is Owens’ face while Gilbert is riffing:
TERRELL OWENS’ GILBERT GOTTFRIED IMPRESSIONNNNN.
Gilbert asks Owens to show him “the black handshake hug thing” and then says “I’m in the hood. I’m in the shizzy.”
9. Owens introduces Johnny Damon as “a man who has experience setting the table.” Damon comes out and says “I’m leading you off” (baseball term) “with an artisanal flatbread.” This is basically the extent of everything Johnny Damon does in two entire hours of the show: go get props and deliver one line of a presentation. You’re doing great, Johnny!
10. Shawn Johnson and Jamie Anderson are in the kitchen for Team Infinity’s presentation. Anderson gets insulted by Real Housewives star and former Miss USA Kenya Moore and they bicker for a while. Who says there aren’t any careers for former Olympians?
11. Vivica A. Fox would love to replace Shawn Johnson on her team with Geraldo, if given the chance. Fox is angry with Johnson because Johnson gets very severe periods which nearly incapacitate her. She tried to make her teammates aware of her situation right up front, and ended up contributing quite a bit to her team during the challenge, but that didn’t stop both teams from essentially period-shaming her for several minutes in front of Donald Trump, because if you’re on television, you’re required to be awful to everyone with your every breath.
12. Johnny Damon suddenly looks like Wolverine.
13. Gilbert gets fired, but he and T.O. get to do their special handshake one last time.
And so the best television friendship of our age comes to an end. Hold out hope for T.O. and Gilbert to co-star in True Detective Season Three.
All four athletes still standing! See you next week!
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