How the Titans can turn their franchise around at the Combine

We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

The Titans are in desperaton mode. They are the most irrelevant thing to happen in Tennessee since the invention of adult toothpaste, but forutnateley for them they have the ability to turn everything around and become a contender this week in Indianapolis.

They say that Indy is the city where dreams are made, and thats particularly true if you fantasize about being able to buy shake ‘n’bake meth at a gas station with about 3 inches of grey snow in the parking lot. But anything can happen at the combine and I expect the Titans to make some serious moves.

A lot of people dont even know this but yesterday in a major pathetic little cry for attention, the Tennessee Titans announced that there also moving to LA just to see if anyone would notice and no one cared at all, it was so sad. If the Titans moved to LA theyd end up waiting tables for 16 years before giving up the dream and moving back home and all there high school friends wouldnt of even noticed that they moved away. This is a franchise that is still dealing with the ghost of Vince Young and CJ2YPC: When those two left town all of the sudden the liquor store and Window tenting busness bubbles collapsed Titans Club Suite season ticket purchases plummeted.

The Titans are in need of a savior, but unfortunatly they wont find one at QB this week. Just look at their options:

If you thought Vince Young could rack up bills at the Cheesecake Factory just wait til you see what Winstons capable of. Say what you want about Teddy Bridgewater but Id rather have a guy with skinny knees then permanent cankles. Plus the Bucs are going to take Winston number one anyways just to sell more tickets since Tampa is a short 4 hour stolen-moped ride from Tallahassee. Its a real shame too because a guy whose never ever beaten Alabama would fit in pretty well in Tennessee and if your going to tell me that this guy wouldnt take to Nashville like a duck in water then youre just a idiot:

Alot of folks are allready calling this guy JaMarcus Mariota. This guys fresh off getting his name etched into a trophy which is ironic twist because in realty hes got bust written all over him. Mariota’s game might of worked when hes playing with high caliber athletes in a good offense lke in Oregon, but this is the Titans were talking about. You dont enter a NASCAR into a footrace.

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As many people forget his name means “The Beautiful Dick” and it would be appointment television. The town of Nashville has been synonymous with guys who try to act like a watered down version of John Wayne for years why stop now?

However there is one element that could turn the franchise around:

Now that we as a public have forgiven Darren Sharper, its time to set our sites on opening up our hearts and our traning facilities to Adrian? Its been almost a couple months since Peterson has had a court date isnt it time to end this trial by media against Peterson that is nothing more then a switch hunt?

Ok yes, I admit, Adrian Peterson is dangerous to have around children but hes a football player not a teacher. Its not that hard to keep someone with APs History out of a classroom folks, just ask the Oklahoma State Legislature. Plus the state of Tennessee allready has Clarence Darrow on retainer to ensure that kind of mess isnt allowed in their “educatonal system” so parents shouldnt even worry.

Adrian Peterson is the one player who could make the Titans relevant again. He led the Vikings to the playoffs with Christian Ponder- a man whose name tranlates into “Tim Tebows spankbank” under center, and a stadium that was collapsing under its own weight. As long as there is someone with a helmet and a heartbeat playing QB who can hand a ball to him, the Titans would become catapulted into instant favorites to tie for last place in the AFC South with the Jaguars.