MMBM: 10 blue-collar rule changes that will save the NFL

We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM,, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

The NFL Owners meetings are taking place in Phoenix this week and that can only mean one thing: The time has come for more proposed league changes throug the NFL competition committee. Theres been alot of talk about how to change the extra point to make it more meaningful. For example the Colts suggested that if teams convert a 2 point conversion that they get to attempt a 50 yarder thats worth one point. Essentially a 3 point converson. Despite Irsays suggeston sounding like something a caterpillar on opium would suggest in a fever dream I think hes on the right track here.

Every year I come up with some new fun suggestons to improve the NFL and this year is no different. Here are my suggestons to improve the qualty of play on the field, and increase fan engagement

-The heaviest offensive player on the field when the TD is scored would have to kick the extra point. If you like fat guy TDs then fat guy PATs are even better.

-Dont allow a potential future ground-zero mosque to be built within 5 miles of any new NFL stadium

-Owners should have to slap box to see who receves the kick off

-A fan from each team who hasnt played football since high school should have to get one carry per game

-New catch rule- a player has only completed the act of a catch when he makes a act common to the act of football like getting arrestied for domestic abuse or ignoring a queston from a reporter.]

-The team with the worse record in the league gets relegated to the NFC South

-Coaches challenges are extended to pass interferences, fumble recoverys, and if Rex Ryan wants to go review the chick in the stilettos that the camera panned to when they cut away for commercal.

-Teams have to run the ball on 3rd or 4th and 1 and the carry has to go to a FB and then if they convert it the two teams form a handshake line and give the big fella some regognition.

-Ask Ted Wells and Robert Mueller to form a joint investigaton to find out how Jeff Fisher still has a job

-Also the NFL should have a month designated to all of there fans who dont have breast cancer. Goes both ways.

Now on to the weekly awards:

The iditarod was last week and its the most NFL sporting event in the world. Bluecollar mushers and lunchpail dogs- literally gritty sons-of bitches- trek through a 1150 mile course that makes Lambeau field look like the french rivera. Well Laura the sled dog ran the iditarod last week the spite not being able to see at all. Being blind isnt a excuse in fact some would say its a evoluntonary benefit in a way.

Ive always thought that a blind NFL player would actualy have some clearcut advantages that a smart coach could use in the right position. For a sample, a blind QB would keep safetys up all night because its imnpossible to read there eyes. If Jason Cambell was blind then he never would of been able to lock onto his primary read every play thats a fact.

Also if your blind then you cant get distracted going across the middle and looking to see whose going to hit you. Blind as a bat = better then alligator arms. I also think theres a very real possiblty that a blind runningback could just scream as hes going north-south and use sonar to see where the tacklers are approaching. Moles are blind and they know how to get down hill folks. Also a blind d-lineman would never fall for a play action fake just something to think about.

The New York Times columnist was selected to give the keynote address to the NFL Owners meeting out in Phoenix Arizona despite the fact that he is a admitted violater of the leagues substance abuse policy. I guess smoking weed with your friends and then going into a industry that folks only pay attenton to on Sundays makes David Brooks just about as close as you can get to a NFL player.

No one knows what Brooks discussed with the owners but my guess is that he was promoting the NFLs foray overseas and predicting that England will greet american football as a liberator.

It has been my contenton that Joe Flacco is whats known as Baldingers Cat- both Elite and Not Elite at the same time. Each week MMBM will track Joe Flaccos performence in order to determine once and for all the answer to the unanserable NFL debate: Is Joe Flacco a Elite NFL quarterback?

Joe Flacco has gone off the grid. No one knows what hes been up to this week but he showed terrible leadership by having his runnignback Bernard Pierce to get caught for a DUI. A real QB helps his RBs rack up some YAC not rack up some BAC. Fortunatley for the Ravens, Pierce blew a .08 which I guess is technically better then blowing a AFC championship game.

This weeks rating is: Is Joe Flacco Elite?

1. Chris Boreland retired last week, but then this weekend he announced that hes giving back his signing bonus. Its allmost like he’s trying too hard to do the right thing but hes not fooling me folks. He probably only gave back the money so that he woudnt be on the hook to the IRS for all that cash. Lets get this straight- he wants to give back all the money he didnt earn just so he dosent have to pay taxes, but hes also going to be collecting unemployment?! First he bails oout on his team and now he wants one from Uncle Sam? Sorry thats double dipping you cant have it both ways Chris.

At any rate hes still a quitter. What would of happened if Steve Jobs had quit his first job? Terrible lesson for the kids out there.

2.

People forget that True Grit was literlay written by a guy named Portis but perfected by a guy named Riggins.

3. Peter King intervewed Roger Goodell over the weekend and got to the bottom of such topics like if he thinks the NFL will enjoy continued success and whether or not he thinks football is a good sport for players and fans alike. Goodell revealed that unlike Chris Borland he never considered quitting. Also unlike Chris Borland he is happily willing to pay taxes on his $35 millon dollar salary like a real America and not the football equivlent of Wesley Snipes.

4. The New Hampsire Statehouse had some strtong life lessons for a group of elementary schoolers. Road Graders are more important then 4th Graders folks. Theres no participaton trophys in life.

The kids and there teacher drafted a bill that would of made the Red Tail Hawk the official state raptor of New Hamsphire. What they got was a first-hand lesson in takes from one of the senate members, right before they shot down the proposal entirely:

Rep. Warren Groen, a Republican from Rochester said, “It grasps them with its talons then uses its razor sharp beak to basically tear it apart limb by limb, and I guess the shame about making this a state bird is it would serve as a much better mascot for Planned Parenthood.”

5. The mayor of a Oklahoma town is in hot water no offense to Marvin Gay, over dressing up in blackface for charity and also for fun. He raised $20,000 for needy folks as he appeared in character as “Pollyester Kotton” but just when you start to accuse the mayor of reverse reverse racism he drops this little number on you and everyone admits that hes not being racist after all:

“I don’t see myself as being racist, I’ve got great, great friends who are African American,”

As everyone knows saying that you have African American friends is the worse possible way to defend yourself against accusatons of being racist which is why I always remind people that I have absoluteley NO black friends so technicaly Im the least racist one here.

6. Via @SteveBreezyy This is a good theory for how the Kardahsans fame is directly tied to the Buffalo Bills misery

I think we can all agree that this is the worse thing that OJ Simpson ever did.

7. John Urschel of the Ravens is a little to smart for his own good. If Im a GM I want my players just dumber than hell. I want my offensive linemen to be too dumb to know whether or not there getting bullied by their teammates teammates. No one ever underthought something.

8. Worst headline of the week goes to “A bizarre legal loophole let a man get away with ejaculating into this womans coffee”. The word ‘bizarre’ just absolutley screams slut-shaming the horny man in this circumstance, like he was in the wrong for spooging into his coworkers drink without her knowing. Wheres the equalty?

As the story goes- It seems a man masturbated in to his coworkers coffee for 6 months before she finaly caught him red(milky white?) handed in the act. He got fired and then went to court but in a tremendous display of judical restraint, the judge threw the case out on account of theres no law in Minnesota specificaly addressing that its against the law to be a guy cranking off into a strangers drink.

But lets remember who the real victim is in this circumstance- the innocent man whose only crime was being a normal guy and now has to live with the shame of being called “The coffee creamer” probably. Fortunately there should be ample legal recorse since It turns out that the woman was technicaly sexually harrassing him by initiating this frivolous sexual assault charge. Its a landmark victory for mens rights in America and whats even better is he gets to go back to work because he didnt break any laws so ironically I guess you could say he...got off.

9. Duke is going to lose in basketball. Im not a big roundball fan, just more of a Keith Van Horn/Craig McDermott/Wisconsin frontcourt type guy, but I do know that Duke is going to lose. Why? Well there named the Blue Devils, which comes from a French fighting unit in Word War 1. “Les Diables Bleus” were the lamest and quite possibley the most French battalon of all time. They were fighting in the Alps andeven though Im told the Alps are covered in pure white snow, they wore blue capes and berets. Among there bizarre rules, they were not aloud to say the word “red” unless they were referring to the red on the french flag or the lips of a lover. Mistakenly calling out “rouge” when your leading men into battle will cost you your job in the Army or the NFL just ask Marc Trestman.

10. Michael Sam tried out for the NFL again this weekend but I was to busy watching his Dancing with the Stars performence to let everyone know that I dont care that he tried out. Here are the reasons I dont care about Micahel Sam trying out

1. Why is this news.

2. Does anyone know how he did at the combine not that I care

3. If he was good at football he would of been signed by a team by the way how come Tim Tebows not in the NFL

My main man Darren is in rare form during the NCAA tournment telling fans and everyone else who dosent live in his house about which teams are sponsored by which athletic companys that he provides free advertising for. On Friday Darren fired off this gem about Belmont basketball:

It allmost makes too much sense. Rovell knocks out a cool tweet and then covers his mouth with his hand “Hey Darren thats a great tweet thanks for the tidbit. Love- your best friend.”

But if your thinking of calling Rovell out on this I would think twice. Unless youve walked a mile in Darren’s Jumpman™ Air Jordan™ IX Air Force One™ Fusion™ by Nike™ shoes then you cant possibly imagine the struggle that Darren Rovell deals with on a dialy basis to bring you the best free sponsored content money can’t buy:

You know who else talked to himself thats right every serial killer ever.

This is absoluteley right. Just because its baseball season dosent mean you should be more focus on a diamond then the gridiron. I want my wide recevers paying more attention to their comeback cuts not there princess cuts. I understand that Detroit dosent have a whole lot going for it but just because your too cheap to send out wedding invitations dosent mean you should make your team do it for you. Can you imagine the bill that Cromartie would command if he made his team announce every time he decided to get engaged? Now were entering the next generation where players are using there teams twitter acocunts as there own personal facebook pages. Pretty soon were going to see the Eagles tweeting out RIley Coopers David Allen Coe compilaton on Spotify or Manti Te’o making the Chargers post his entire RSS feed of Daily Currant articles smh.