The Marshall Plan: Rebuilding the Jets

We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

I hate to be the guy who compares everything to World War Two but I guess when the shoe fits, wear it. The New York Jets trading for Brandon Marshall means there basically Germany circa 1946: a once proud organizaton that had some good ideas, but they trusted a charismatic leader just a bit too much when it came to overrelying on there ground attack. It happens, and no ones blaming them.

Between the LaGuardia flight yesterday and the Brandon Marshall news its been a banner week for New York Jets making unexpected impacts. But at least the Jets have a plan. A Marshall plan that is the guarenteed fastest way for them to turn things around. No one said its going to happen overnight but they have a plan and this is step 1 on there way to becoming a respectable franchise within the next 20 years.

Im not going to make fun of Marshalls mental history folks- sharing a lockeroom with Jay Cutler for 6 years would drive anyone crazy. Now its true that Marshall and Jay didnt realy get along but IMO that actually speaks volumes for Brandons judgment of character. And what better way to connect with the average New Yorker then bringing in a guy who spends all his time complaning about being surrounded by idiots? Have to think the Jets were making this trade less about Brandon Marshall and more about Branding Potentshall. Step one in a rebuild is allways to get your citizens/clients to believe in the product again.

Sure they could of saved some money and traded for a Andre Johnson whose such a low rent version of Marshalls I call him AJ Maxx. But you want to look like your at least trying even when you arent. So I understand.

Brandons not a lunchpail player hes a suitcase player who was too busy racking up rewards points in hotels to ever lay down roots. He was too busy embracing Bestwestern values to get on board with Midwestern values, but this is exactley why I think hes going to be a great fit in New York. NYC is filled with folks who move there with every plan on leaving after 2 years but they end up getting addicted to being miserable. Theres no denying it, Brandon Marshall plus the big apple equals one great pear.

Problem number two for the Jets is theyve got to much money tied up in Nick Mangold- this should of been obvious from the start, I mean the mans name literally translates to “Cut the expensive guy.” Nicks a road grader but it makes no sense whatsoever that you have so much money tied up in a positon where the best players dont even like being paid alot. Theres a reason Buddhist monks dont hold out for more guanreteed money before they light themselves on fire- so dont go spending your cap space on a guy whod probably just as soon play for free.

Folks, I call Nick a Ground Zero type player because this guys salary just screams “trade centers.”

What better place then Hollywood for a team thats desprately in need of a literal change in scenery? Wait tables for a few years. The Rams and Chargers and Raiders will be literaly begging for a 4th roomate by then, and when Chip Kelly begs to move the Eagles down from Eugene in exchange for kicking in beer money and uniforms, its going to be the ultmate bachelor pad. Who knows you might even get a job as extras in the NFL concusson movie if your rosters improved enough to the point where you can actualy convince audeinces that you could be a professonal football team.

Its going to be tough to tuck your tail between your legs and admit that you just werent cut out for the Californa Dream. But thats ok. This is part of a humbling process that takes time. Head back home and live in Woody Johnsons basement for a few years and save up on draftpicks since your not paying rent. But then just when you think things cant get any worse you end up going 1-23 in 2030 and you find yourself looking over the edge of the FDR and all of the sudden that water looks pretty inviting. Your going to be in the air for 2-3 seconds tops and then thats it and its all over. But then you get a call on your spacephone and quess what? Its your new GM- Emphysemic Fireman Ed, and hes got a twinkle in his voice. You just won the coinflip verse the London Redcoats and you have the number 1 overall pick in the draft folks...

The Marshall plan. Its the only way.