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EXCLUSIVE: Transcript of Obama’s unaired remarks to the New England Patriots
On Thursday, Barack Obama hosted the Super Bowl champions at the White House and was flippant (as usual) with his remarks. Here’s a full transcript of what the “President” had to say.
Geoff Burke-USA TODAY Sports
Hey folks. Welcome to the White House- you know I was going to make a joke about the way y’all took the air out of those footballs but I dont exactley have the best track record myself when it comes to inflation.
Looking around the room here I see alot of folks couldnt make it out. Tom Brady couldnt be here today he had to be with his family, but Im not heartbroken. The White House has been missing leadership for the past 6 years so I figured “hell, whats one more day?”
Vince Wilforks not here either. He was your best defense of lineman last year guys. Without him Marshawn Lynch would of rushed across the field so easily it would make the Secret Service look competent.
LeGarret Blount made it out, or at leased the lizard part of his brain that hasnt been gravity-bonged into bread pudding is here. Your a big guy man, tough to tackle. Or maybe its just that your opponents are scared that if they get too good at wrapping up a Blount, Aaron Hernandez will shoot them.
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Nate Solder. Great to see you my man. It was about a year ago today that Nate was diagnose with testicular cancer and began treatment. I have some fun with it and say how shocked I am that a Patriot player would even notice if his balls felt a little different.
But Nates doctor agreed, he had one ball that felt odd so they took action immedately- which tells me that you your urologist is not named Ted Wells. Teds really taking his time puttin’ that thing together man, I might name his special counselor for the Benghazi investgation. But back to Mr. Solder, I got to say Im impressed. Hell, Nates got more balls in one nut then I do in my entire cabinet.
Nate Solder’s name literaly translates to “Born to repair electronics”, so if this whole NFL thing dosent work out for you maybe you can take a look at every computer thats ever accessed healthcare.gov.
We have some fun here, but its time to honor the man of the hour, Bill Belichick. Hey Bill- great roster, but you didnt build that. Serously though, Belichick is somewhat of a personal inspiraton. Love the way he talks to the press like a bored supervillan. If theres one other guy who loves to drone the media to death its me, no offense to Al-Jazeera. Matter fact, I modeled my “kill list” after his injury reports-there decetful, possibly against United States law, and if more people knew how we used em we’d probably both be out of a job. Ha!
Anyways thanks for this jersey fellas, but before I can hang it up Im gonna need to see its certificate of authenticity- we take that stuff serously around here. Says here made in Hawiai’i- good enough for me. We dont take that stuff serously around here anyways, this is the office of the President not the Little League World Series.
Julian Edelman, fresh off a big performence in the Superbowl, great to see ya there. Julian took a shot to the head on a crossing root. Got to admire that kid for doing the dirty work, Lord knows Id never reach across the middle.
Rob Gronkowskis here folks. Lets be clear- Rob is probably the friendliest guy on this team here, and you can tell he loves the ladys. I mean, Im used to hearing a big round of applause when I step into a room, but Im not use to having all of the claps coming from one mans groin. Its truly about to be the Summer of ‘69 for Rob, and I sympathize with every girl from here down to Daytona beach, cuz I know what its like to have a pain in my ass caused by a dumb, tan, boehner.
Glad to see you could make it out Rob. Y’know I really enjoyed “A Gronking To Remember” and I know Michelle did too,, but last time I read a book that masturbatory it was called “The Audacity of Hope.” Serously though, Gronks known for his touchdown celebratons but if you want to see a real unbelevable spike, take a look at my unemployment report.
Rob can rub some folks the wrong way- thats true. But me and Rob are alot alike. Our fans just want us to be “party animals” but when it comes down to it, were just jackasses.
Anyways Id like to thank you all for coming out, its no coincidence that a true Patriot hasnt stepped foot in this building since the Bush adminstraton and Im just glad you all could stop by. Looking forward to your tax check as allways Mr. Kraft. God bless.
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