Solving the National League’s DH problem in a few simple steps

Ace pitcher Adam Wainwright hurt his Achilles during an at-bat, and will probably miss the rest of the season. This has led to a reignition of the debate about why the National League makes its pitchers hit instead of using a DH.

There are a slew of valid reasons why the NL should go to the DH rule. For starters:

-- Pitchers tend not to be very good at hitting, so removing them from required hitting duties would lead to better offensive baseball

-- It’s really silly and arbitrary that the AL and NL, long united as a single business, agree about literally every rule in baseball except for one relatively major one.

-- The DH has long-proven itself not to be a fad or gimmick. I mean, it’s been in place since 1973. With Jason Giambi’s retirement, every single MLB player was born after the DH was introduced. The DH is older than the three-point shot, which was introduced to the NBA in 1979, and basketball without a three-point shot seems like something from the Dark Ages.

-- There is a pretty clear competitive advantage to teams with designated hitters, as it allows teams to obtain an additional strong hitter without benching anybody. AL teams can splurge on great hitters even if they already have a great hitter at that position. The AL has an 11-year streak of winning more games in interleague play. In the 18 years since interleague play was introduced, the AL has racked up over a 200-game lead on the NL. The NL has more World Series wins in that time, but as a whole, it is getting whooped.

In contrast, here are the reasons against adopting the DH:

-- LOL:

If you’d like to eliminate the DH for baseball reasons, that makes sense. However, I don’t like baseball reasons. I like watching Bartolo Colon hit more than I like watching great baseball. For me, the LOL outweighs obvious logistical reasons the NL should adjust and match the AL.

However, I can’t in good conscience ignore the argument that pitchers hitting leads to injuries. I like healthy people, and I don’t like it when people are in pain. However, I think merely eliminating the injury-prone hitting pitcher doesn’t go far enough.

Pitching is, like, really super-bad for your arm. Dude, have you ever looked at somebody’s arm when they throw a pitch?

Photo credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Asking athletes to make this motion dozens, hundreds, thousands of times a year is a very bad idea. It can lead to all sorts of injuries: UCL tears, labral tears, elbow tendinitis, oblique strains, the works. Look at all the pitchers who have suffered pitching injuries while pitching in the last week! If we let our pitchers continue pitching, they’ll rack up all sorts of injuries that will prevent them from pitching.

Pitchers aren’t the only people who could get hurt by hitting: Like pitchers, hitters are human, with breakable bodies and bones. Yasiel Puig just tweaked his hamstring running out a grounder after hitting a baseball. Alex Rios broke his hand when a pitch hit him earlier this year. Hunter Pence is still out with broken elbow after getting hit by a pitch in spring training.

If we continue asking hitters to play baseball, standing near 100-mph fastballs, bad things will happen when baseballs hit bones. And asking players to quickly accelerate and decelerate is just asking for leg injuries. Nobody should hit. Not pitchers, not hitters.

Look, Bartolo Colon doesn’t throw very fast, and he only throws one pitch. He’s very accurate. And even if he did hit a batter, he can barely throw hard enough to hurt them. Bartolo won’t hurt anybody.

And now you’re telling him he can’t pitch? Why won’t you let Bartolo pitch? All Bartolo wants to do is pitch. Let old Bartolo pitch. He’s a nice man. Why do you have to take away the one thing he loves?

Look, Bartolo doesn’t have to pitch. He won’t if you don’t want him to. But why won’t you let him pitch? LET BARTOLO PITCH. It’s all he wants.

What, who’s gonna get hurt if you let Bartolo hit? He barely even knows how to swing a bat. He just wants to try to hit the ball. That’s all he wants.

Look, we agreed it’s okay for Bartolo to pitch, right? He’s not trying to hurt anybody. He won’t hit the ball hard enough to hurt anybody. Just let the man bat. If letting him bat will make him happy, how will it hurt you?

We need more people like Bartolo Colon, who can bat and pitch without hurting people. We need more Bartolo Colons. We can call them Bartolo Clon-os. Or Bartolo Co-lones. Just let’s make a lot of Bartolo Colons. He’s nice. Let’s get more Bartolo Colons. Please. He’s a nice man. There should be more nice men like him. Don’t you want old Bartolo to have a friend? Why do you want old Bartolo to be sad?

This is the only logical way to solve problem of pitchers from getting injured while hitting. Thank you for listening.