The Memphis Grizzlies cookbook

Let’s hear it for food! It seems like more people are eating food each and every day, and the Memphis Grizzlies are no exception. These are the things they eat.

by Jon Bois

May 14, 2015, 6:46 PM UTC

Carpenter’s pasta

submitted by Mike Conley

Ingredients:
1 box dry fettuccine noodles
Tap water

While bringing water to a rolling boil, stack the noodles together and break them in half. Form another single stack with the broken noodles and break them in half again. Continue to repeat this process until the noodles are one inch long and the stack is as wide as a dinner plate.

Pour some noodles in your mouth. Swish in some boiling water.

Crunchy eggs Benedict

submitted by Kosta Koufos

Ingredients:
Six jumbo grade-A eggs
Meat from the damn store
Biscuit

Grease the biscuit by wiping a bicycle chain with it, then toss into a preheated oven. Set the eggs on a cutting board and tenderize them with a rolling pin. Scoop what you’ve got there into a preheated skillet and cook on high for 78 to 79 minutes.

Get some of that dang meat you got and cook it. Assemble your ingredients eggs Benedict style and stop bothering me.

Hot brown

submitted by Russ Smith

Ingredients:
Bread

I picked this one up during my days as a Cardinal. It’s a Louisville classic! Blow your nose into a piece of bread.

Astronaut porridge

submitted by Marc Gasol

Ingredients:
Lava rocks
Ice

Take a bunch of lava rocks from the landscaping in your neighbor’s yard. If you do not have any neighbors with lava rocks in their landscaping, you will need to go to either Memphis or the 1980s.

Any ice will do, but the older, the better. Try to find ice in the freezer of a vacation home that hasn’t been occupied since last summer. If you’re lucky, you’ll run across ice cubes that have sat in a tin ice tray in an ice box since the 1940s. The taste of old ice is unmistakable. Pour in a bowl with the lava rocks. Eat with four chopsticks, two in each hand. They are also good finger food if you have some of those.

Memphis salad

submitted by Zach Randolph

Ingredients:
A lot of beef
A truck-hijack of 3-in-1 oil lubricant

Commandeer the truck to your backyard and empty all the 3-in-1 oil into a giant drum -- you should have 50 to 60 gallons worth. Drop in a match and wait for the fire to stop. Drop in your beef in two-pound chunks, and allow them to fry for 20 minutes. While beef is frying, argue with a friend about whether you could shoot down a helicopter with a pistol, whether go-karts are street legal and/or Wolverine’s past. Fish beef out with a shovel. Kick over the drum; oil is good for the dirt.