The Scripps National Spelling Bee should be banned because nerds who can spell are stupid

We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

There was a time when it was important to be able to spell good. There was also a time when men had to carry spears because a dinosaur might walk into there village and pee on the towns only fire. But its time to move on and do away with the Scripps national spelling bee.

The ability to spell has been irrelevant for quite some time now. It was seriously like the very first thing that computers were programmed to do. The internet has made spelling so irrelevent that we might as well have a national contest to see who can send the most faxes in a hour, or a comptition to see who can make there hands look most like a vagina.

I dont mean to knock on these familys who put there children through homeschool. Hell I was homeschooled all the way up through my bachelors degree. But theres a reason theres no written exam to be President of the United States. So you cant really blame Bill Clinton for mixing up the requirements and the job description when it said it was going to be 100% oral.

I will say that one thing these kids are good at is the ways they try to figure out how to spell the words. Alot of them trace the letters on the back of there name tags. Pretending to write stuff down is actually a very important life skill for work meetings and counciling sessons with you spouse.

I’ve maintained for years that telling is more important then spelling. But is there a national telling bee? Nope. If we’re not teaching our nations children to give takes we’re not adequately preparing them for the real world out there where it dosent matter what you say its how you say it- oherwise we’re raising a country full of cult-followers and no cult-leaders. Heres how the telling bee would go down:

”My word is “Barack Obama””

Country of origin?

“Unknown”

Can you use it in a sentence?

“Either death or he shall be imprisoned not less than five years and fined not less than $10,000”

And theres your champion folks.

The fact is nobody reads anymore. If you cant comunicate it to me in a “Yo” or at the very most a Snapchat, chances are its irrelevant. The only thing spellings are good for is so people can feel smarter then other folks who actually learned a real skill like debating sports or being a pick up artist. The worst leaders of all time? FDR, JFK, Malcom X- they were all letters. In fact, the best leader of all time- Jesus Christ- thought spelling was so unimportent that he never even wrote down any of his own words even though all of humanity was supposed to follow his teachings for the next infinity years. If that doesn’t tell you just how unimportant it is to be able to put letters in there correct orders, well then your a idiot.

SB Nation archives: Spelling Bee Greatest Hits (2012)