Australia lose to USA at Women’s World Cup, still claim to be better than USA

Team USA beat Australia 3-1 in their Women’s World Cup opener, thanks to two goals by Megan Rapinoe. The United States scored three goals, and Australia scored one. Because of the amount of goals scored by each team during the match, the United States won. Winning is good in sports.

This is what Australia’s soccer federation posted on their website after the game:

1: The USA, well, they just aren’t that good

The US certainly like to talk a good game. The reality is they play a fairly rudimentary, bog-standard 4-4-2, were short of ideas going forward and outmanoeuvred tactically. ‘Play it long and look for the head of Wambach’ seems the default game-plan for a team stuck in the past.

World football has moved, in case Jill Ellis hasn’t noticed. US were outplayed by a better, smarter footballing side - who were also without two certain starters in Polkinghorne and keeper Williams - before the Aussies ran out of gas.

Hold on just a second.

(purchases flight to New Zealand) (builds enormous megaphone) (drags megaphone to the top of Mount Cook, New Zealand’s tallest mountain) (points megaphone to the northwest at the entirety of Australia) (takes deepest breath of all time)

Is this how things work Down Under? Toilets flush counterclockwise instead of clockwise. Vegemite tastes good. Losing teams are better than winning teams.

Let us explain further:

No, America’s Women’s World Cup win wasn’t the most dominant performance. Many expected a bigger margin of victory, considering the USWNT and Australia have played 25 times and the Aussies haven’t won once. And without some amazing saves by Hope Solo, Australia might have had a chance.

But the USWNT played poorly and still managed to beat a decent opponent by multiple goals. I think that is good! Sorry it is not up to your lofty standards, Australia.

(h/t to For The Win for noticing this aggression, which will not stand)

(P.S. Here is a very hastily made Photoshop of an eagle carrying away a wombat)

SB Nation presents: America’s key players at the Women’s World Cup