This is the darkest stretch of the American sports calendar. These are the sportsless days.
It’s OK to take a break from sports. Here’s how you do it.
Your first reaction is probably to complain. “Oh no!” you might say. “No sports! What are we to do? WHY HAS OUR GOD FORSAKEN US?”
This isn’t actually a problem. Rather, it’s a brief moment to be free of the Svengali grip sports have over us. For a few days, we are free. There are no games for us to distract us from doing actual life things.
1. Go outside
Outside doesn’t have TVs, so you can’t watch sports there, so maybe you haven’t been outside for a while. Go outside! If you leave during the middle parts of the day, a fiery orb in the sky provides light and warmth, which supposedly feels soothing. There are a variety of places outside of your house for doing things, such as backyards, parks, beaches and many more.
2. Talk to your loved ones
Sometimes your relatives and family members try to talk to you while you watch sports people play sports games on your TV, and maybe you don’t give them the full attention they deserve. Make up for lost time and talk to them! Perhaps you can even talk to them about sports. What should you talk about if the conversation veers from sports? I... I don’t know. Nobody knows. If things go downhill, being ringing a bell loudly, yelling and throwing towels at them until they stop talking about not sports.
3. Play a sport
Did you know that it’s possible to replicate some of the sports you watch on TV all by yourself? It’s true! Try throwing around any sort of ball or ball-like object with another human being. You don’t need to round up 22 friends to play a football game either -- you and as few as one partner can throw a ball back and forth. This is perhaps the safest way to spend the No Sports Day, because it is sports.
4. Enjoy a beverage
You’ve probably consumed beverages while watching sports, but did you know you can do that without watching sports? Whether it’s an alcoholic beverage like a beer or a cocktail or something tamer like a lemonade or milkshake, cool, good-tasting beverages go great with the dog days of summer. If you often consume alcohol during sports and you try drinking without sports, perhaps your brain’s associative memory will trick you into thinking it is sports time.
5. Read SB Nation Dot Com
Do you really need to think about sports? It’s OK. Here we have posts about sports even on the sportsless days. We are a safe space.
6-1,283,372,441: (other things like “making your favorite meal” and “hanging out with an old friend,” redacted for brevity)
1,283,372,442: Drop actual anvils on each of your hands and feet
We’ve already established that pain is an excellent way to fill the void left by the absence of sports. But what if “rubbing habanero peppers into your eyes, nostrils, and gums” (#1,113,402,398) wasn’t painful enough for you? Try dropping actual anvils on each of your hands and feet! Will your extremities be shorn from your body by the sheer weight of the anvil, or merely crushed -- there’s only one way to find out!
1,283,372,443: Watch the ESPYs
Come on...
don’t watch the ESPYs.
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