This Sunday, the Ball Up streetball tour swings through New York City, featuring a 3-point contest, dunk contest and All-Star game. (Tickets are available here.)
Help me prepare to be a dunk contest judge
A first-time dunk contest judge looks for help.
Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports
For reasons unbeknownst to me, I have been tabbed to participate as a judge of the dunk contest. I’m not completely sure why: I have never dunked, and I’m not particularly famous. However, I have watched every NBA Dunk Contest since my birth and am perhaps the greatest player of NBA Street Vol. 2 in the history of mankind. I like to think Ball Up recognized my potential for greatness in the field of dunk jurisprudence.
As a first-time dunk contest judge, I take the responsibility very seriously, so I want to make sure I’m 100 percent prepared. I asked Twitter for help:
Hey, Twitter, what questions would you ask of a potential dunk contest judge
— Rodger Sherman (@rodger_sherman) July 17, 2015 You were very helpful:
@rodger_sherman what is your name?
— Brooks Clark (@brooky_cook) July 17, 2015
Rodger.
@rodger_sherman have you ever faked the funk? can you ascertain whether someone is or is not faking the funk on a nasty dunk?
— Albert Lang (@AlbertLeRoi) July 17, 2015
Albert, I’m glad you asked.
Funk-faking and its detection is something I take very seriously. Personally, I have never faked the funk, even in my non-dunk endeavors. Personally, I contend it’s impossible to actually fake the funk on a nasty dunk -- nasty dunks by nature have non-fake funk -- but I promise to be alert for potential funk-faking.
@rodger_sherman do you feel restricted by integer-only placards?
— Eric Stephen (@truebluela) July 17, 2015
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. I feel too often, judges award the first good dunk they see a 10, then find themselves with no higher score to go to when something truly extraordinary. A 10 is a sacred score that should only go to the most extraordinary level of dunks. I wish there was an intermediary between 9 and 10 to alleviate this problem which faces America today.
@rodger_sherman number 1 judging criteria (outside of personal favors)
— Patrick Whelan (@PdiddyWay) July 17, 2015
The all important smoothness/difficulty ratio. The greatest dunks of all time have been nearly impossible, yet made to look simple by the dunker. I'll be hand-calculating S/D ratio all night. Other factors include the dunker's swag and inventiveness.
@rodger_sherman why are you judgemental
— Mekko (@MekkoFactor) July 17, 2015
Mekko, it's about what's best for the American people. If we celebrate lame dunks, our society as a whole weakens. High dunk standards are of the utmost importance. You wouldn't feed your kids Grade D eggs, and you shouldn't tarnish their lives with trash dunks either.
@rodger_sherman how many NBA jam references are you comfortable making
— graaaaant (@Granthropology) July 17, 2015
Although I love NBA Jam, I will only be making references to NBA Street Vol. 2 out of brand allegiance.
@rodger_sherman bradley and bogues are obvious, but which monstar do you think corresponds to LJ, ewing, & barkley? pic.twitter.com/hCE7IgKfJP
— Adam (@adamdm4) July 17, 2015
Ewing is the green one (flat top), LJ is the purple one (Hornets colors) Barkley is the orange one (Suns colors.) This also works in terms of size order.
@rodger_sherman How do you say banana daiquiri in spanish?
— matt steketee (@Harmon98) July 17, 2015
Daiquiri de platano, but I'm sure you could say "daiquiri de banana" and get the job done, too.
@rodger_sherman can you please rank the numbers 1 to 10 on a scale of 1 to 10
— Tom (@omgitsfeely) July 17, 2015
1. 10
2. 9
3. 8
4. 7
5. 5
6. 6
7. 3
8. 1
9. 2
10. 4
I welcome any further questions, tips, or thoughts about my preparation to judge a dunk contest. In the comments!
★★★
SB Nation presents: You have to see this dunk to believe it
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