This Republican Debate is going to kick almost as much ass as an NFL game

We’re required to remind you that these strong takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.

I’m typing this about a hundred miles up in a airplane right now on my way to the first GOP Presidental Debate that will take place in the greatest city in America- Cleveland. The fireball is already flowing liberally, ironically, and I’m about to share a connecting flight in Atlanta with hopefully Don Lemon and the rest of the CNN crew so I can pick his brain about which candidates are the least like Hitler. Tonight is the gathering of the juggalos of political theater with more snooty lib reporter’s desending on some town then actual earnest participants. and I for one CANT WAIT.

My plan, once I get to town, is to hit a WalMart and buy some equipment to make a big ass D-Fence sign, some beer,s, charcoal, and a minigrill so I can get a nice tailgate going for the most NFL debate of all time. This weekend in Cleveland isnt just a debate between the Republicans, its also a weekend long debate between politics and football, with the GOP giving the opening statement tonight, and the NFL rebutting with the Hall of Fame pagentry on Saturday and Sunday nights. Our two most national pastimes of arguing about politics and arguing about sports converge on Northeast Ohio where just lke the republican ideology nothing is given and everything is earned.

Traditionaly, debates rely on a number on candidates disagreeing with each other over a number of issues but tonights debate will likely be the first in the history of the world where the winner will be the person who can agree the hardest.

Bush: “I think gun controlls bad.”

Walker: “Matter fact I think we need more guns.”

Cruz: “I cook bacon using my gun.”

Christie: “Some of my best friends are guns”

Paul: “Im actualy 1/16th gun.”

Trump: “Every movie theater employee in every mall in America should carry a BFG9000 and a armed hand grenade.”

Its like the Ravens-Steelers of politics folks.

This election cycle has allready reached the point where Rick Perry could fall down drunk in the opening debate and it wouldnt be the biggest story of the night. If he accepted my numberous invitations to get loaded in the parking lot before the debate he would literaly gain enough in the polls where he woudnt have to be at the kids table for the next one. Donald Trump has admitted hes not preparing at all which you just have to repsect, but on the other hand you kind of start to think hes pulling a RG3 and just ditching the playbook like a big time showoff. Just gonna go in a and wing it like hes playing jazz/hip hop music or Who’s Line is it Anyway. Quick give me a line of dialogue, a occupation, and something youd bring to work:

“‘Hitlers biggest problem is that he was a loser’, Obamas war with Iraq, and the code to launch nucular weapons that could literaly destroy the entire world.”.

Its going to be awesome.

But still somethings wrong-

The fact is that sports and pornography have been the drivers behind every technological advance of the last 30 years. And while I racked my mind thinking of a way that we could combine porn and the debate I finally settled on a good way for sports to improve the election process.

Its just not fair to have a JV team of 7 candidates who are more than worthy of camera time reduced to a bumbling sideshow before most viewers even get home from their JOBS (something Demoturds wouldnt know anything about). is a disgrace to the electoral system. Its called the Electoral COLLEGE not the Electoral GED Equivilant, and the 6 candidates who got less support then Kasich shouldnt be treated like a after school special.

Lets take a look at how a 16 team march madness would break down by region using the Northeast, Midwest, South, and Texas

Its a Trump world, we’re all just lucky enough to be living in it until he jacks the rent up and prices us out to Mars. The very thought that Santorum is running might be the cutest lil thing I’ve seen all year but the man can still drop a nucular take like its 2008 the only problem is his full name literaly translates to Penis Cleanse which could be a problem for when he has to deal with wrighters like me who will point that out. Christies the only heavyweight that can stand up to Trump but I’ll be good and goddamned if hes going to be as much of a speedbump on Trumps madcap drunken joyride to victory. Trump skates through with no one getting close enough to smell his skidmarks IMO.

The South is great but there too similar to really make some noise IMO. Having a republican nomnation from the south is a little too on the nose. You really think Alabamas going to turn blue if they nominate someone who uses “barbeque” as a verb? Nope, nominating someone from the South would make as much sense as David Allen Coe only selling records at Riley Coopers house. The only thing I could tell you that differentates any one of these guys is the fact that Bobby Jindal is better at pushups then Erin Brockovich folks!

The Midwest is boring. The fact is most Iowan GOP voters woudnt recognize Walker, Carson, Kasich, and Fiorina from a shitty No Doubt tribute band. But boring wins up to a certain point, these guys are gonna be running out the clock with the understanding that whoever dosent screw up the most will end up with the Veep nomination IMO.

Yes, I know that Rand Paul is a senator from Kentucky, but his Lone Star roots as well as his frequent guest appearences on the Alex Jones Infowars show firmly cement him in the this regional. Also, Huckabee is from Arkansas which is the Siberia of Texas except with worse roads.

No offense to the 8th amendment, but Texas is the group of death here. Just a inbelevable amount of talent. All these guys are splitting each others votes in the primarys, but in a general election, anyone of these fellas is capable of beating anyoe else. Just a tremendous amount of parody in this division.

So we’ve got Walker winning the Midwest taking on Huckabee or Rick Perry. Once again by the time December comes around its going to be the Titans vs the Texans in a meaningless matchup, because a true New England Patriot, Donald Trump, has gotten it all sewn up.

But the real winner tonight? The American Public who gets to tune in and watch these fellas slug it out in the first of only 11 debates. My prediction- politics dashes out to a early lead but we forget about all our differences, or at least how some candidate’s are more agressiely similar then others once the lights come on in Canton.