It’s been 5 years since Jimmy Johnson sucked on ‘Survivor’

It’s been five years since Jimmy Johnson went on Survivor: Nicaragua. He was eliminated after eight days. It’s time to acknowledge just how bad the former NFL and college coach’s run on Survivor was.

Jimmy Johnson was an employee of FOX when he appeared on Survivor. This is probably how the conversation went down to put him on Survivor:

Employee: Jimmy Johnson wants to be on Survivor.

Producer: Who’s Jimmy Johnson?

Employee: Some football guy. Works with jocks.

Producer: No. The cast is set. Do you have any idea how long it takes to get the cast set?

Employee: Please?

Producer: FINE. Tell me about this guy. In shape, right? Probably really strong.

Employee: He’s a 67-year-old ex-coach who was last in the NFL in 1999.

Producer: You’re kidding ... you have to be kidding.

Employee: Either you do this or those a-holes at FOX are going to make us hear about it all year.

Producer: Fine! I’ll cut the NASA astronaut.

Later that day Jimmy Johnson tried to break a log, failed and checked sheepishly to ensure nobody saw him.

Night vision Jimmy Johnson puking.

Jimmy decides his team needs a pep talk, because they’re all old people. His motivation technique involves explaining why he’s going to lose Survivor.

The old team loses the first immunity challenge. Everyone wants to eliminate Jimmy Johnson, but decide that goat farmer Wendy is the weaker of the two.

Jimmy can sign with relief. His day will come, but it will not be today.

There wasn’t much Jimmy Johnson on the fourth day of Survivor but he got lucky when one of his tribemates acted like an idiot. Holly got angry and took a guy’s shoes, filled them with sand and put them at the bottom of the ocean.

They were $1,600 alligator leather shoes. Who the heck brings those on the island?

Holly comes clean about stealing the shoes, which is tantamount to Survivor suicide. Her tribe clearly doesn’t trust her -- because she stole shoes and there’s only one man she can confide in: Jimmy.

Holly explains that she wants to quit Survivor, Jimmy knows EXACTLY how to handle this.

Immediately following this moment Yves extolled Jimmy’s virtues, saying “At his soul he’s inspiring.” She was clearly moved by a former NFL coach hooting at monkeys.

This season of Survivor is a dang mess. Splitting the tribes into younger vs. older probably sounded like an awesome idea in some CBS board room, but on the island everything is falling apart. The immunity challenge involves both tribes rolling giant barrels across a line, then using those barrels as targets for an accuracy throwing challenge.

Jimmy is coaching people throwing beanbags at barrels. This is a thing that’s happening.

The challenge was the backbreaker for the Jimmy Johnson leadership campaign. His coaching ability came into question. Jimmy T called him “useless” for failing to put him in sooner to throw beanbags at a barrel. Everything was falling apart.

Remember Marty from Day 1? Well, he still hates Jimmy. Entering elimination day he said Johnson was “full of it,” and quickly set about to eliminate him. Everyone Marty talked to agreed with him. Marty’s obsession with Jimmy is borderline creepy. Every chance he gets he’s talking about how “Coach has got to go.” It’s at this point I wonder if Marty is an Eagles’ fan.

At Tribal Council Jimmy Johnson owns up to how he’s feeling in the game.

We learned so much from Jimmy Johnson during his stint in Nicaragua. He taught us that celebrities don’t fare well on Survivor, that being a football coach means nothing on an island -- he taught us to holler at monkeys. Somewhere a television executive was fuming that their celebrity special player got kicked off so early, but this was a disastrous season. The old tribe got picked off one-by-one in a total stomp.

Thank you Jimmy. We’ll always have this moment to cherish.