Cardinals tweet out shitty rap song about the Cardinals or something I can’t even finish it

Someone had to write this, first of all. It’s a hip-hop song about Red Schoendienst, which, okay, I’m all for baseball esoterica in my music, but instead of rhyming “Schoendienst” with “bang these” or “langoustines” for three minutes over an original track, they appropriated “It Takes Two,” I guess because Schoendienst is a second baseman, but then they change the two to “Red,” which makes the connotation seem forgettable and forced, and who thought “It takes Red to make a thing go right” would resonate with anyone in 2015, really? The player retired in 1963, and the original song was written in 1988, which means that they’ve absolutely made sure that no one under 30 gives a single shit. Then they got some poor Trey Anastasio-looking dude from the Cardinals’ marketing or social media department to rap it, even though you could probably get six mixtapes thrown at you in St. Louis by opening your window and quietly requesting them, and this unfortunate fellow raps like Yadier Molina running backwards up six flights of stairs, and at no point did anyone tell him it sucked, the premise sucked, and every last part of the execution sucked. Then the guy had to go around Busch Stadium in flannel pajamas with some sort of shitty homemade bird fedora and ask people to pretend like they were having fun as he annoyed the crap out of them. Then someone had to spend hours and hours editing it together. And you know there was someone who was producing the whole thing who had to say things like “Um, can we loop that ‘Go crazy now’ at the end ... with a little more reverb?” while pretending that he was not completely dead and hollow inside, wondering what happened to the musical spark that shaped his life and got him into production in the first place, remembering that time when he was 19 and in a band with his future in front of him, when the only reason he hadn’t played Hammersmith Odeon or Red Rocks yet was because he hadn’t played it yet, that’s the only reason, he would get there, he would take the world by storm, unless he woke up at 40, alone and making songs for paychecks instead of passion, producing some shitty rap song about a baseball player that took an intern took three seconds to write and some middle manager took two seconds to approve, which is exactly what happened, even though there’s absolutely no one no one no one who thinks this is good, not the person in it, not the person who edited it, not the person who tweeted it out, and not for the entire fan base, whom this is ostensibly for. No one thinks this is good. We’re all worse people now. All of us. Look at what you’ve done, Cardinals, look at what you’ve done.