A requiem for Anus Man 6, the bravest Twitter egg who ever lived

Thursday night was the opening night of college football. Jim Harbaugh coached his first game for Michigan, and Michigan lost. I tweeted out a joke about the somewhat disappointing debut of the much ballyhooed program savior:

I was pleasantly surprised. Michigan fans have a track record of getting upset or haughty when people make fun of a Michigan thing they love, and boy, do Michigan fans ever love Jim Harbaugh. But pretty much everybody understood that this was a playful joke about how silly it would be to get impatient over a great coach losing a game he shouldn’t have been expected to win.

Everybody, that is, except for one bold warrior.

I decided to check up on Anus Man 6’s background, and found something interesting. This was his only shred of internet existence:

Anus Man 6 had never tweeted before. Anus Man 6 also doesn’t follow anybody, nor does he have any followers. How did my tweet enter Anus Man 6’s world? If you follow nobody on Twitter, your timeline consists only of your own tweets -- and before this, Anus Man 6 had none. Now, his timeline features just this one tweet.

There is only one explanation. Before this tweet, Anus Man 6 did not technically exist. He floated around in a sort of embryonic nirvana. He wasn’t yet ready to be perturbed by the ups and downs and ins and outs of humanity’s existence and all its foibles: He was waiting for the right moment to emerge -- when we needed him most.

Then, he sensed something amiss. Anus Man 6 felt somebody had said something cosmically false. My comment wasn’t just wrong: it was injust to Harbaugh, a coach who should be given a rather long leash as he attempts to rebuild Michigan’s storied program. Anus Man 6 willed himself into existence to let the world know that the order of things had been cast asunder by my comment.

Do not fear: Anus Man 6 is not alone.

He is a member of the Anus Men, committed to justice for mankind. The Anus Men keep low profiles, knowing that when they’re needed, they will be called.

There’s Anus Man, who also has not yet been summoned:

And Anus Man 1:

And Anus Man 2, who was shaken into being so he could attempt to win a free computer:

And Anus Man 3, ready to correct humanity’s wrongs when needs be:

And Anus Man 4, patiently preparing to save us all:

And Anus Man 5, ready to -- wait, where’s Anus Man 5

what happened to Anus Man 5

why is there an Anus Man 6 if there’s no Anus Man 5

ARE WE SAFE?

I know what you’re wondering: What happens to an Anus Man who has served his duty? Do we hold a parade? Does he slink back into his peaceful chamber, waiting for another injustice to right?

No, no, sadly: I’m afraid Anus Man 6’s story comes to a much more bittersweet conclusion.

Let’s take a look at Anus Man 6’s first -- and last -- tweet:

Because you can do a better job? wait lmao you cantlmaolmao: laughing my ass off.

When a honey bee senses a danger to its hive, it forces its barbed, poisonous stinger into the offending party. But it can’t retract the stinger, and some of the bee’s vital organs -- like large parts of its digestive tract -- are attached to the stinger. After stinging an enemy, the honey bee suffers massive abdominal ruptures and dies. Bees aren’t capable of higher thought, but one imagines as the bee bleeds out, it looks upon its life and realizes it died doing the most important thing it could possibly do. It was worth it to rip its body irreparably and die for the cause it lived for.

So, too, with Anus Man 6. In pointing out the blatant incorrectness of my tweet, he laughed his ass off. And for an Anus Man, well, let me tell you: the whole “life” thing is primarily ass-based. The entirety of being an Anus Man pretty much revolves around the ass.

I don’t know what went through Anus Man 6’s head as he laughed, hysterically, violently, the ass melting away, disappearing. He could feel his laughter was killing him: his corporeal ass was evaporating with each peal. But he could not stop: He was an Anus Man, and this is what he was here to do. Like the bee, he faced his death with pride and a sense of accomplishment. Before long, the entire ass had been laughed off, and Anus Man 6 was dead.

In life, you were my adversary, Anus Man 6. But your brief existence taught me more about life than I’d learned in decades, and in death, I respect you. Jim Harbaugh is better than I am at coaching, but you, Anus Man 6, were better than all of us at living.