The NHL has a cheese fountain at its Fan Fair because wouldn’t you, really, if you could

Now. My views against the kind of goopy Cheese Product™ that you might find at a sporting event are well-established. It is a bad food, unfit for nachos, hot dogs, crackers, breads and the human digestive system. You might disagree, to which I can only say that I’m sorry. This is a bad food.

But. If you had a sufficient quantity of Velveeta, a sufficiently tall and cantilevered vessel and access to the kind of horrifying suction/motor system that is, without a doubt, the stuff of the sort of nightmares that are so deeply, purely horrible that you don’t tell anyone about them after you wake up, not ever, because even speaking the words aloud would be its own kind of horror -- if you had all these things, wouldn’t you at least consider building a Stanley Cup-inspired cheese fountain? Wouldn’t you think, hey, fondue is pretty good, but wouldn’t it be even better if the cheese just came inexorably, thickly, slitheringly, heavily towards you?

Yes. I thought so.