The best sportsthings of 2016

2016 was like one giant, looping Vine of the ball going through Bill Buckner’s legs. Or Steve Bartman extending his arm. Or someone reading the Browns’ current record out loud. Or Jeff Fisher — the hero of average white guys across the land — signing a contract extension and then getting fired. It was a year that made House of Cards look tame. A year in which we witnessed the ugliest presidential election cycle in recent memory, when news started being fake, suppressed hatred bubbled up from the stew of America’s melting pot, Prince and David Bowie died, and — adding insult to injury — we lost Vine itself.

But you know what we did have as the country slowly descended into chaos? We had sports. And you know what’s great about sports? Every year they give us a distracting and delightful collection of themes that span leagues, players, coaches, and fans. Themes that then get gathered up and put into a beautiful and idiotic internet cornucopia of memes and jokes that we can turn to in times of distress. Themes that I will henceforth be referring to as SPORTSTHINGS.

It seems only right that as we enter a new year — one that I regretfully cannot promise you will be any better than the one we are leaving behind — we take a look back at the most significant Sportsthings of the past 12 months and crown one of them:

The criteria for clinching the title are simple and as follows: The Sportsthing must be both specific to 2016 and the most accurate representation of the year as a whole.

Blown 3-1 leads were either a bright spot in a dark year or a black hole that swallowed up the dark year’s darkest matter, depending on whether your team was the one doing the blowing or not. For those of us who are not Warriors fans, witnessing Golden State blow a 3-1 lead in the NBA Finals with the unanimous MVP was thrilling: Game 7 was a glorious 48 minutes of basketball in which LeBron James put up a triple double and Cleveland won its first championship title in any sport 52 years. In fact, LeBron’s name is now legally LeBron The Savior of Cleveland James. Look it up (don’t look it up).

If you’re a Warriors fan, the meme that this blown lead spawned — and that took on an internet life of its own — was probably less enjoyable than it was for everyone else who sent out tweets like, “The important thing to remember when discussing foreign policy is that the Warriors blew a 3-1 lead in the Finals as defending champs with a unanimous MVP.” Or when LeBron did troll-y things like host a halloween party where the decorations included a skeleton playing a kick drum inscribed with “3-1 Lead.”

But if 2016 has taught us anything, it’s that we can’t have nice things, and that karma, as the saying goes, is a bitch. Cleveland haters got their schadenfreude in the most satisfying way possible: The Indians blew a 3-1 lead in Game 7 of the World Series that was as glorious as its basketball equivalent and made the Chicago Cubs winners for the first time in 108 years.

Game 7s and busted curses: 2
3-1 leads: 0

To the tune of “Dream On” by Aerosmith: “Draymond, Draymond, Draymond, Dray-”

The NFL continued its tradition of being joyless when it decided to crack down on fines for excessive “choreographed celebrations.” The rule itself is a garbage rule because everybody knows that the best part about any Steelers game are the pumps Antonio Brown cranks out while he twerks after a touchdown. Or when Josh Norman mimes shooting a bow and arrow on the field.

But dancing wasn’t the only thing the NFL got its underpants all bunched up about this year. No, the League of Nothing Good and Pure decided that if players wore cleats with dope designs on them during the weeks not devoted to wearing cleats with dope designs on them for a cause (which made up all but one), they’d have to pay up. Why? I don’t know. Probably to protect the children. People always ban fun things to protect the children, even if what you’re protecting them from is a chance to be cool. Thanks to Roger Goodell and his suited cronies, now all we have is a bunch of loser kids walking around in boring-ass shoes that don’t have any designs on them because they’re being told fun shoes aren’t okay. A travesty for the future of America, which is looking like toast already.

NFL ratings fell this fall, although they bounced back up after the election. But there was a definite shift in the league’s public perception: A few years ago if you criticized the NFL as a sportswriter, you were in for a whole bunch of Twitter eggs storming your mentions and calling you a communist. Now, however, taking shots at the NFL is in vogue. For the silly reasons above, yes, but also because very serious issues like the mishandling of domestic violence and concussions just keep getting harder to defend.

Speaking of the NFL sucking, you know what didn’t suck this year? Baseball and the NBA, for the most part! Hear me out: Everyone’s been kvetching for years now about how baseball games take too long, and the sport is boring, and football is America’s new pastime yadda, yadda, yadda. But in a world where the NFL might be losing its grip on hearts and minds, I’ve heard more than one previously die-hard NFL fan say they’ve found themselves looking forward to spring training — especially after that incredible World Series. Some football fans have found themselves following basketball more closely thanks to the NBA’s liberal social media policies; they can open up Twitter and watch highlights teams and sites post on the timeline.

Speaking of liberal, the NBA proved itself to be the most progressive league in terms of social justice this year (although it is worth noting that the NFL did support Colin Kaepernick when he began protesting police brutality by not standing for the national anthem). Many basketball players have been outspoken about racial profiling, especially after the police shootings this summer of Alton Sterling and Philando Castile. At the ESPYs, Chris Paul, LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Carmelo Anthony all stood on stage and demanded change. Coaches have been speaking out, too, and the league moved the All-Star Game from Charlotte to New Orleans in protest against North Carolina’s discriminatory HB2 bill.

Not a bad set of values to root for.

This is less specific to 2016 and more specific to coaches being coaches, but it was an absolute banner year for people in charge of teams losing their shit. Let’s take a look at some of the best examples:

The Mongolian wrestling coaches

Brad Ausmus

Jim Harbaugh

Bill Belichick

(This is about as tantrum-y as Belichick gets)

Joe Mikulik

Doc Rivers

It was a bad year for love and basketball (and other sports). Let’s take a look at the relationships that were casualties of 2016:

Russell Westbrook and Kevin Durant: Do you remember the day Durant took off his metaphorical bracelet with half a heart and the word “best” written on it and threw it into whatever body of water is closest to Oklahoma City? No? Let me refresh your memory: It was the 4th of July when KD traded it in for a shiny diamond ring in the form of $54 million contract with the Warriors. He left Russ behind with a worthless piece of jewelry, also known as the memories the two shared on the OKC bench.

Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless: The two hottest hot take artists of the baby boomer generation might’ve broken up, but they haven’t stopped taking at their respective take factories. Never thought I’d say this, but I kind of miss their combined ten-alarmer. They just seem, well, even more pathetic when they’re lighting themselves on fire 3,000 miles and two networks apart.

Nick Saban and Lane Kiffin: Wonder if they’ll miss each other on that Bama sideline?

Dwyane Wade and Pat Riley: Wade was the latest NBA superstar to go through a messy breakup with the Miami Heat, largely thanks to cold-blooded Heat president Pat Riley (who sent a totally bizarre text message to a reporter saying he was “SADDDDDDD!!!! SO saddddddd!” about Wade’s departure). This breakup led to somewhat of a reunion, however: Wade signed with the Bulls and headed home to Chicago.

P.K. Subban and the Canadiens: Could you believe it, eh?

The Patriots and DeflateGate: Tom Brady took the air out of the relationship when he decided not to appeal the NFL’s decision and accepted the fact that he’d have to sit out the first four games of the season approximately thirty million years after the stupid feud started. Seriously: Continents shifted during the time it took to put this one to bed. I hear Pangea reformed and broke up all over again.

Sam Hinkie and the Sixers: He trusted the process. But the process didn’t trust him. A heartbreaking story of love and loss that hit theaters in April of 2016.

Swimming was the beefiest sport of the Olympics (I know it feels like a lifetime ago, but I can confirm that the Olympics did happen this year).

It was shocking that swimming was the sport in which people caught verbal hands, because when was the last time you saw two people get in a fight in a pool (aside from water polo, because that sport is just savage)? But happen it did, and here were the beefiest ones:

Perhaps the most intriguing of all the streaks that ended this year was how many college football teams broke ten-year-plus histories of losing. Washington beat Oregon for the first time in 12 years, Tennessee beat Florida for first time in 12 years, and Army beat Navy for the first time in 14 years.

More notable streaks: As already discussed, the Cubs finally stopped being lovable losers and Cleveland’s championship drought came to and end thanks to the Cavs. But some dynasties only grew stronger: UConn’s women basketball took home the NCAA title for the fourth year in a row. The Olympics were rife with continued records, as well: Michael Phelps couldn’t not win when he got into the pool, and Katie Ledecky and Simone Biles were basically unstoppable in Rio.

Kobe Bryant: Kobe went on the longest and arguably most self-indulgent retirement tour known to mankind. But at least we all got some dramatic commercials out of it.

Tim Duncan: The fashion icon (see below) faded away in an announcement as humble as Kobe’s entire season was flashy.

David Ortiz: Oh Big Papi, your fuckin’ city already misses you. Maybe it’s just because I’m from Boston, but I do harbor secret hope — that is not backed by objective reasoning — that maybe Ortiz will come back. The Sox just got Chris Sale, right, so the team appears to be in “we should probably win right now” mode. And Papi was hitting really well at the end of the season. I’m just sayin’....

Kevin Garnett: Another Boston hero said goodbye to his game this year when Garnett, the 15-time All-Star, bowed out of his final year with the Timberwolves.

Peyton Manning: How many Papa John’s pizzas do you think Manning eats a day now? Like, what’s the over/under? Three? I’m setting it at three.

Dabbing: Following the theme of 2016, white people ruined everything and dabbed the dab to death.

A-Rod: It wasn’t really his decision, but Alex Rodriguez is no longer swinging a bat. There was a silver lining, though: Turns out he’s pretty good at talking about baseball on TV!

David Ross: The grandfather of baseball hung up his cleats after winning the World Series, which is a pretty boss way to hang ‘em up.

The guy who threw the Dildo at the Patriots-Bills game: He has retired from being allowed to go to Bills games.

Vine: I still have trouble talking about the death of Vine which is fine because, as the old saying goes, a Vine is worth 10,000 words:

Because — let’s be honest — that’s what 2016 was. One big old kick in the nuts.