Cam Newton’s tie issues a statement about his owner’s alleged dress code violation

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Are You Actually Kidding Me With This Shit, Says Cam Newton’s Tie

Seattle, Washington - December 4, 2016 - It has come to the attention of the Tie Union of America that Panthers head coach Ron Rivera benched Cam Newton for the first play against the Seahawks due to a dress code violation. The violation being that Newton failed to wear a tie while traveling to Washington.

The tie that Newton did not wear, a piece of fabric by the name of Fatty McBluetie, is a member of the Tie Union of America.

McBluetie was left at home in the upper left drawer of the dresser next to Newton’s closet — no, not the one with the pocket squares and the weird rabbit tails, but the other one on the left, you know, the one that doesn’t shut all the way.

McBluetie says that Newton picked him up and lovingly ran his fingers over McBluetie’s torso a few times before ultimately placing him back in the drawer and shutting it on his foot, where it currently still dangles. Newton then left the house to board a plane to Seattle to do his job.

McBluetie has issued the following statement to the Tie Union of America, included here in full:

“Are you actually kidding me with this shit, Ron? Cam spends all season showing up to press conferences dressed like Yankee Doodle...

...your little brother after soccer practice...

...and the baritone in a barbershop quartet...

...and it’s the fact that he didn’t wear me that made you sit him out? I’m really hoping there’s more to this. Because if you kept my guy out of the game simply because he wanted to give me, a hardworking piece of neckwear due for some PTO, a vacation, then we’re going to have a serious conversation the next time I see you as I dangle in front of my owner’s chest.

Look, I kind of get it. Cam’s a sartorial boundary pusher, and some people — maybe you! — just aren’t ready for his brilliance. Perhaps you find my beauty and the beauty of my Belk family members — part of the MADE Cam Newton lineage — intimidating. But hell, the Puritans thought women shouldn’t show their ankles, and here we are centuries later, bare ankles all over the place. Cam’s just ahead of his time.

And I contend that even if you think my owner’s style choices are weird, you can’t argue that he doesn’t look great in whatever he puts on. Of course he looks great. He’s a fit, handsome guy who takes risks when it comes to wrapping his body in fabric. As he should! This is America, a free country where you can wear whatever you want (people put Crocs on their feet, for crying out loud) because it’s A FREE COUNTRY. Unless you’re wearing cargo shorts, in which case you have to immediately empty your pockets of snacks, take the offending garment off, and hand your ugly-ass shorts over to the police.

In short: Leave Cam alone. The inbox of the Charlotte Observer can’t handle anymore e-mails with subjects like ‘a disgrace to the game!’ or ‘BENCH HIM FOR THE CHILDREN’ and the signature ‘sent from my iPad.’

Signed,

Fatty McBluetie”

McBluetie has said he will make himself available for interviews Monday morning once he’s cooled off a bit. He’s afraid of who he might strangle while talking to the press in his current agitated state.

Contact:

The Tie Union of America

tieoneon@windsorknot.com

233 Bow St,

Fancypants, NY

United States

Ph: 1-800-555-TIES

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