‘The Bachelorette’ recap, Episode 3: A contestant endorses Benito Mussolini

Thus far, this season of The Bachelorette has focused a little bit on JoJo, the actual bachelorette, and a whole lot on Chad, the workout enthusiast who has alienated every other participant in the show. With each passing episode, Chad has become more prominent and unstable, and Monday night’s was no exception.

He ripped a fellow contestant’s shirt, punched a door, opted not to participate in a date activity he deemed inappropriate and threatened multiple other contestants. By the end of the episode, security guards were summoned to maintain order in the house and host Chris Harrison told Chad that he needed to find a non-violent solution to his quarrels with fellow housemates if he wanted to stay on the show. It was eventful.

But no event outshone The Mussolini Discussion. Out of every moment on every reality TV show I have watched, I think this is my new favorite interaction.

Let’s set the scene:

CHAD, an Oklahoman strongman whose hobbies are lifting weights, telling people he hates them and eating inadequately prepared food

DANIEL, a Canadian model who shares CHAD’S passions for exercise and insanity, and is the last of the 17 remaining contestants even willing to talk to Chad

ONE YAM, possibly raw

On an episode aired on the 72nd anniversary of the simultaneous invasion of Normandy and Allied liberation of Rome, Daniel has opted to draw a comparison between his megalomaniacal meathead friend and the two failed fascist leaders of World War II. Chad initially shuts down this conversation -- he cocks his head and says, “Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler.” But he eventually allows Daniel to complete his line of thinking. Daniel urges Chad to be less like Hitler and more like Benito Mussolini if the two are to succeed on the show.

Perhaps Daniel is a rambling idiot for comparing a mean contestant to Adolf Hitler, a genocidal maniac whose forces exterminated every last one of my grandmother’s aunts and uncles as well as 10 million other people. But maybe Daniel is actually offering a nuanced analysis of World War II military strategy -- as well as Chad’s chances at winning JoJo’s heart.

As Daniel presumably knows, Mussolini was hesitant to begin a land conflict in Europe. Still recovering from costly wars in Ethiopia, Italy’s armed forces weren’t nearly strong enough to combat the Allied powers. Mussolini wanted to bide to modernize and rebuild his army. When Mussolini signed the Pact of Steel with Hitler in May 1939, formally creating the alliance we now refer to as the Axis, the agreement was that neither country would begin conflict for three years. But Hitler started a war just six months later. Mussolini’s fears were confirmed as the Italians were routed everywhere they fought, the Germans wasted valuable resources trying to bail them out of bad situations in Africa and Greece, and eventually ran out of manpower to fight a multi-front war.

Chad has clearly taken a fascist approach to The Bachelorette. He has built a cult of personality around himself. He tells JoJo to her face that the other men are worse than him -- they are weaker, they are stupider and they do not know how to be with a woman as beautiful as JoJo. He says he is an iconoclast who is above the foolish games The Bachelorette asks him to play. He proclaims that he is the only one capable of guiding JoJo to a happy future. And he is willing to use violence to get to that happy future.

But Daniel sees where Chad will hit trouble. Chad is succumbing to the allied forces of 15 guys who hate his guts. Daniel is telling Chad that if Mussolini were on The Bachelorette, he never would’ve attempted to fight a multi-front war like this.

Or, I dunno, maybe Daniel is just an idiot for comparing a guy who is a dick on a reality TV show to the undisputed worst person ever to have lived. Either or.

The pivotal portion of Monday night’s episode came from a group date to a play called “SEX TALK” where women talk about their sexual experiences -- and now the contestants on The Bachelorette have to also!

For the most part, everybody was fine with this. They told stories about their bad first hookups. But Evan, the be-mustached weirdo who has anointed himself head of the Anti-Chad Society, tells a story about how Chad does steroids and maybe has erectile dysfunction. This causes Chad to rip his damn shirt:

Chad goes on to punch a door and give himself a bloody knuckle. However, I’m more interested in something about these sex stories.

At the beginning of the Sex Story Competition, there is an undisturbed jug of cheese balls on the stage.

By the end, the cheese balls have been upturned. There are cheese balls everywhere.

Somebody had a kinky cheese ball story. The producers of The Bachelorette clearly didn’t want us to see this. I must know. I must know about the cheese ball sex and I’m tired of the show’s undue censorship of dairy kink-shaming.

Chase and JoJo went on a yoga date. An instructor told them to scream a lot, then take off all their clothes, then straddle each other. And then the instructor left while they made out.

Look, I ain’t a yoga aficionado, but yelling and making out ain’t yoga. If yoga was yelling and making out, I’d sign up for yoga. I think there’s a lot more sitting in uncomfortable positions in silence for hours while not making out.

At the end of the episode, it’s revealed that all the contestants will have a day-long pool party with JoJo before she decides who to keep for another week. As the characters get into their pool clothes, Evan stops Chris Harrison to tell him about how bad Chad has been.

Why do you think Harrison personally needs to know this? Do you think he’s the principal? I’m pretty sure he’s just a handsome guy who shows up for about two hours a week and gets paid a ton of money for it. I don’t think he actually cares about you or your life. I’m sure if something was really bad, the producers who are filming you 24/7 would handle it without bothering the handsome guy.

But as everybody gets ready to go swimming, I noticed something. Evan’s wearing a stupid little leather necklace that I wouldn’t expect a dad and doctor to be wearing:

But wait -- his biggest enemy, Chad, has one too:

And so does, well, everybody else.

Why the hell is everybody wearing these necklaces? This is not a thing! This is not a fashionable thing to wear! If they were wearing Puka shells at least I’d understand they were all beach guys from 1997. But they’re not. They’re wearing a bunch of Sperry shoelaces tied together.

These aren’t even necklaces you can purchase in a store. These look like the type of thing you’d make at an arts-and-crafts booth. Did one of the guys make necklaces for everybody? Did ALL the guys make necklaces for each other? Was there a Bachelorette contestant necklace-making party? Was there a Bachelorette contestant necklace-making party THAT THEY DIDN’T SHOW US?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I demand answers, and I demand answers now.

(I know they put them on because they’re going shirtless and still need microphones but I still think it’s funny that they picked such trash necklaces)

On Monday night’s episode, JoJo and Chase were serenaded by Charles Kelley, the lead singer of Lady Antebellum:

At no point does JoJo or Chase pretend to be even modestly excited by Charles Kelley, the lead singer of Lady Antebellum. Neither claims to recognize him or enjoy his music. Of all the celebrity cameos/performances on The Bachelorette, none I can remember has been completely unsold the way JoJo and Chase chose not to sell Charles Kelley.

Cranberry Quotient: 1.7 out of 10

Back on top again.

At this point, I can’t foresee a future where Chad isn’t on another Bachelor TV show. He’s been the focus of well over half of the three episodes this season. And although he makes a show of how much he hates this, let’s be real. Chad loves this so much that he’s purchased the domain names of his fellow castmates and redirected them to his Instagram page.

As a self-proclaimed web entrepreneur who also flips websites and sells domains, Johnson said he owns more than 100 domain names and always reroutes them to whatever he’s working on. This time, it’s his Bachelorette Instagram persona.

That’s not the behavior of somebody who hates being on reality TV: that’s the behavior of somebody who loves attention, profiting from attention and pissing people off. I hate this dude so much that I love him.

Also, I liked that Chad’s defense to Chris Harrison’s accusation that he does steroids is, “I couldn’t have broughten them.” Like, “actually, I looked into bringing steroids, but, well, logistically it didn’t make sense.”

Jordan is a semi-successful ex-quarterback trying to start a career in sports broadcasting. Hmm, I wonder if any semi-successful ex-quarterbacks with hopes of starting a career in sports broadcasting have ever used The Bachelor as a launching point to a career on the ABC/ESPN family of networks. Hmm.

Something is wrong with Daniel. He likes stripping, talking about his penis and comparing people to Hitler. And if there’s something wrong with you, you’re getting invited back for another show.

There’s always one person on these shows who clearly enjoys the inner-show politics of the show more than the show itself. Alex is that guy. He says he plans on re-watching Chad’s awkward moments over and over again when he’s off the show. I like imagining a world where he wins and ends up marrying JoJo and on their honeymoon they’re just playing back the DVD of Chad.

We heard sizable chunks of every person’s sex story. Except for Wells. We only saw one part of his story, and it was this:

That’s all we got. Wells on the ground, shaking one leg in the air and sputtering with his mouth. Is he fake-orgasming? Is he farting? Pooping? Worse?

I need to know more.

Awww, he sings! Okay I’m getting tired of the singing BS.

Also, I like to imagine that he gets fake newspapers written up for all his dates.

Yelled I HAD SEX over and over again, which makes him the most relatable person on the show.

He’s a child of divorce and experienced how painful that can be for everybody involved, so if he gets married, he wants it to work out. Good thing he’s decided to appear on a show where almost 10 percent of couples stay together.

this is the portion of the power rankings

Where I don’t really have anything to say

about any of the guys

Here, “Luke seems nice.” That’s all I got

I mean it’s pretty impressive that 13 or so of the people on the show are actively interesting

but that leaves a few who aren’t

This show has been on three weeks and Nick’s most memorable thing is still dressing up as Santa three weeks ago

I don’t like Vinny

Evan has done an impressive job of positioning himself as the primary opponent of the show’s antagonist but also being completely hatable. He comes across as a snitching twerp whose best weapon is being annoying. He didn’t even tell a funny story about erectile dysfunction! He’s egging somebody on to punch him in the face and I’m totally rooting for him to get punched in the face.