‘The Bachelorette’ recap: Hometown dates mean we finally get to meet Jordan Rodgers’ older brother

Monday night was the hometowns episode of The Bachelorette, where JoJo went to the places her final four suitors hail from. It’s always one of the better episodes of the season, as the real families of the contestants dress up their houses nicely and try not to be confused by the fact that their family member is now totally fine with being on camera all the time. This one ended with a CLIFFHANGER!!!! So, um, I guess if you don’t want to find out what the cliffhanger is you should watch the show. Moving on!

Chase has two hometown visits, because his parents are divorced. The main topic of conversation in both households is the divorce. They discuss the causes for it, the reasons his parents’ subsequent relationships have succeeded, and how the familial split affected Chase and his sister.

I actually found it a rare poignant moment on The Bachelorette. So often, people on the show talk in aimless platitudes about whether they’re “ready to find love” or “ready to open up” or some other BS. Here we had a rather introspective discussion from multiple parties about how a divorce can manifest itself on the children of those families. Both Chase and his sister noted they’d found it difficult to acknowledge serious relationships after witnessing a supposedly solid one between their parents split.

At one moment, Chase explains how even when he feels love, his experiences with divorce have given the word “love” an odd, unnecessary weight. It’s especially interesting to hear that on a show that assigns infinite importance to the actual act of saying the word “love.” Sometimes contestants seem completely oblivious to the idea that someone can be in love with someone without telling them, or, vice-versa, that someone can tell someone they love them but not actually be in love with them. One of those times might happen in this exact episode! But we’ll talk about that later.

It stopped just short of being introspective enough to point out that almost none of the couples from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette end up having long-lasting relationships because of the absolutely absurd notion of marrying a person you’ve known for 2.5 months. Moving on!

Jordan is somewhat famous as a football player in his own right, having played just fine as Vanderbilt’s starting QB and made several NFL practice squads of his own merit. But when he was announced on this show, everybody wondered the same thing. When would we get to see his older brother?

Finally, after almost two months, we all got our wish. Jordan brought JoJo to Chico, Calif., and introduced her to the guy sports fans all been waiting to see.

Luke! It’s 247 NFL insider Luke Rodgers! You probably know him from his slideshows, such as the one where he said the Packers have the best tailgating experience in the NFL. He sometimes says things about the Packers on the internet. I have a theory that Luke is actually just one brother’s face and one brother’s hair, and thanks to the magic of Photoshop, I confirmed my hypothesis:

Of course, you were thinking about Aaron Rodgers, the two-time NFL MVP and one of the most famous football players on the planet. Most of this segment of the show focused on Jordan’s relationship with Aaron, which has apparently disintegrated over the years to the point neither Jordan nor Luke feels comfortable talking about it.

This is made into a scandal. On no other hometown date would anybody ever ask multiple questions about the whereabouts of a sibling, but Aaron is famous, so it’s kinda the only thing talked about.

Honestly? It doesn’t seem weird that there’s a contentious relationship between a highly successful older brother and a slightly successful younger brother with the same job. Right? That seems kinda normal, and not worth making a big deal about?

Anyway, the supposed drama distracts us from the real point: That Jordan is lame enough that he took JoJo on a date to his old high school:

Jordan says “this is where it all started for me.” I mean ... yeah. It’s a high school. We all went to high schools. That’s where it all started for all of us. I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about two and a half years now, and we live about three miles from my high school, and never once have I been tempted to introduce her to my old teachers and make out in the library. I guess that’s one of the differences between me and Jordan Rodgers, the other being that he’s better at sports.

Robby showed JoJo around his hometown of Jacksonville -- DUUUUUUUUUUUVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL -- starting off with a horseback carriage ride of St. Augustine, which isn’t quite Jacksonville but we’ll count it.

No matter where they go on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, they know that they can always bank on two activities: Just set off some fireworks, or just have the couple ride around in a horse-drawn carriage. Are there regularly people riding fancy horse-drawn carriages through the streets of St. Augustine? I don’t know, I haven’t been. It seems pretty enough. But I also know that the people stuck in traffic behind a horse-drawn carriage seemed PISSED.

The other naming issue is that Robby’s dad, Robert Sr., insisted JoJo refer to him as “coach.” Furthermore, Robby himself referred to his dad as “coach Hayes.”

THIS IS BAD. THIS IS VERY BAD. Last year I wrote a story about elite basketball coaches who coached their sons, and all of them agreed it was important to separate their role as dad from their role as coach. Most insisted their son not call them coach at all, some urged their sons to call them “coach” in front of teammates but relaxed otherwise.

If your son calls you coach, yikes. I hope this doesn’t mean this is one of those families where everybody had to play sports from the time they were, like, 10. Oh jeez, every single kid was participating in competitive swim by the time they were 10. Oh jeez.

As has been noted, Robby is a former competitive swimmer. The fact that the show refers to Robby as a “former competitive swimmer” has been a pet peeve of mine for about three months, so now I’d like to fully address it.

And if he’s a former competitive swimmer ... WHAT IS HE NOW. From now on, if given the opportunity, I’d like you all to refer to me as “former competitive basketball player Rodger Sherman” on account of my experience on my sixth grade basketball team.

Anyway, everybody drinks wine out of wine glasses that are embedded within larger plastic cups:

Is this a thing? Like, for when you want to drink a wine-sized portion of wine, but also are worried about dropping your cup and breaking it? This is how you impress a woman whose mom chugs champagne from the bottle? I’m not feeling it, Rob. First the hotel slipper incident, now this.

But the drama comes when Robby shares some news with JoJo. Upon returning to Florida, he learned of a rumor, a rumor so vicious he must tell JoJo. A rumor that he is ...

To clarify, the rumor is that Robby broke up with his girlfriend of four years to be on The Bachelorette. (For some reason, Robby’s mom is the one who got this news from Robby’s ex-girlfriend’s roommate. The internet is weird.)

Ostensibly, the worrisome thing here is that Robby is a heartless monster who would end a long-term relationship to date a girl from the TV. But in a brilliant move of Bacheloretting, he attempts to distill the issue to its core. The sin he is accused of is not mistreating his poor ex-girlfriend. It was the much worse sin of potentially abusing his spot on a reality TV show. There is no greater sin than appearing on The Bachelorette for not-the-right reasons.

JoJo is upset by this rumor, citing trust issues. But Robby convinces her it’s not true, explaining that his relationship with his ex ended three months ago with a bitter fight where he got slapped and that he will never ever speak to her again. JoJo leaves, apparently comforted by the idea that Robby’s very serious, very recent relationship ended with slapping and a permanent disconnect. Glad that’s settled!

The two make up, but Robby ends up so unsettled by the moment that he dramatically leaves his umbrella in the street.

Umbrellas are the most losable items in the world, because you go someplace, it stops raining, and you forget you brought in the first place. But I don’t think I’ve ever straight-up left one in the street during a rainstorm.

Luke brought JoJo to a family barbecue:

This seems like the most real thing anybody has ever done on a hometown date. It doesn’t seem contrived, like everybody sitting around the dinner table eating off the nice china, as happens at almost every other one of these. It seems like they’re just having a fun barbecue! I want to drink Shiner Bock and play cornhole with these people.

And then Luke and JoJo sit on some haybales to watch the sunset. I mean, technically, they say they’re going to watch the sunset, but their haybale couch is faced the wrong way, so their makeout session looks cooler.

TURN AROUND! THE SUN IS BEHIND YOU!

Then Luke walks JoJo down a candlelit path in a field, and tells her it represents how his heart belongs to her.

wait

who let you light candles in a field

WHO LET YOU LEAVE ALL THESE CANDLES UNATTENDED IN A FIELD

THIS IS SUCH A MASSIVE WILDFIRE HAZARD I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO EXPLAIN HOW FRUSTRATED I AM WITH THE PRODUCERS WHO OKAYED THIS IDEA. YEAH I KNOW THEY’RE INSIDE LITTLE GLASS CANDLE HOLDERS BUT SOME DIMWIT IS GOING TO TRY TO REPLICATE THIS FOR THEIR BOO AND SET HALF OF CALIFORNIA ON FIRE.

Anyway, he leads her to a heart made out of wildflowers.

Gosh, Luke is just the best. He was smart enough to get into West Point, good enough at sports to play football there, brave enough to serve in the military, he’s chill enough to make music, he’s Texas enough to ride horses and shoot guns, and he’s romantic enough to set up EXTREMELY DANGEROUS gestures like this. It’s hard to see how anybody else could win, to be honest. I’d like to have a beer with him, and if I was into dudes I’d want to ride horses and make out with him.

So then it’s time for the rose ceremony, and JoJo explains her predicament. I can understand. She likes all four guys, but Robby is kinda weird and he’s got something going on with his ex, and even typing about Chase bores me. So I assume she’s just going to dump one of the humps and get on with it.

And then she says she’s going to dump Luke:

I actually rewound this to make sure I wasn’t hearing things. HE’S THE GOOD AND BRAVE AND HANDSOME AND ROMANTIC GUITAR-PLAYING HORSE-RIDING ONE FROM THE STATE YOU LIVE IN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING.

But then Luke pulls her aside and tells her he loves her.

Somehow, this changes things.

Just to recap: JoJo wasn’t sure Luke loved her when he built a heart out of flowers in a meadow and told her his entire heart belonged to her, but now that he said “I love you,” she knows. Remember earlier when Chase mentioned the unnecessary weight of the word “love?” Isn’t it kinda ludicrous that JoJo didn’t think the whole heart-in-the-field thing meant “love” but saying the word “love” in a random airport hangar does?

Anyway, JoJo’s mind is not made up, and she weeps as the words TO BE CONTINUED ominously pop on the screen.

My guess is she sticks to her decision, and to be honest, that’s probably for the best. Because he really should be the next Bachelor, considering he’s one hundred million times better than Chase and Robby. And he has to lose for that to happen. So, good luck, Luke! I hope you lose and then later win!