These dancing excavators at the Warriors’ new arena groundbreaking are probably evil robots

The ballet isn’t something we cover often here at SB Nation, but every once in a while, dance becomes sport and we find ourselves forced to write about high art and culture. Such was the case at the groundbreaking of the Warriors’ new arena earlier today, when these huge machines started to do their versions of pirouettes and plies.

Before we get into the intricacies of the dance, however, we need to talk about the things performing it. These graceful machines are not, as Courtney Cronin states in her beautiful and otherwise perfect tweet, cranes (although they do flow nicely to Solange Knowles’ “Cranes in the Sky”).

My colleague Seth Rosenthal, SB Nation’s foremost heavy machinery expert, would like the record to show that these are, in fact, excavators.

This clarification then led to the most revelatory conversation I’ve ever had in my entire life, because it was the one in which I learned that my coworker Jessica Smetana is actually my long-lost sister.

Back to the ballerina crane excavators. The choreography here is stunning, especially since the big-ass shovels’ intricate movements come complete with a breathtaking display of timed pyrotechnics. The sweep of the arms, the raising and lowering of the bucket thing-ys; it’s all enough to bring tears to this blogger’s eye.

The Warriors’ management team is basically the Super Tech Bros. of the NBA, so there is no way we can be sure that these crane excavators are beautiful and safe.

In fact, there’s a high chance that these are robot crane excavators, that are maniacal and dangerous, and will one day take over our lives and turn us humans into prisoners. They will probably force us to work in labor camps digging pointless holes in the cracked earth like Stanley Yelnats in Louis Sachar’s Holes. These yellow monsters will most likely make us dance while we dig, so that we can feel the same pain they had to experience while toiling in the hard, California dirt.

I’m not kidding. When the robot lords are standing over you, kegs of beers in their buckets like cans, barking order likes, “DANCE THE WAY YOU MADE US DANCE AT THE WARRIORS’ NEW STADIUM GROUNDBREAKING!!!!” don’t say I didn’t tell you so.

And you know what? You’ll have no choice but to dance, like these workers at the same ceremony earlier today, or the robot crane excavators will crush you with their buckets.

I look forward to seeing you in robot prison, fellow humans.