The Super Bowl halftime show is an essential piece of the Super Bowl puzzle: It’s the bone the NFL throws people who don’t necessarily care about football (a contingent apparently made up of less than half of American citizens), but who feel compelled to attend a watch party, either because everybody they know is attending a watch party, or because watch parties are the ultimate excuse to melt cheese on everything and drink tons of beer on a Sunday night.
4 rumors about Lady Gaga’s Super Bowl halftime show, ranked by bogusness
Will she have a hole cut in the roof of a stadium? Will she get political?
Lady Gaga
Halftime shows tend to be almost as unpredictable as the game played before and after it. The NFL has veered family friendly with these shows since one of Janet Jackson’s breasts was unveiled in Houston in 2004, but the unexpected does still occur. Mostly, I’m guessing, to keep people’s attention when many would otherwise take a break to heat up a fresh batch of seven-layer dip.
Judging by the rumors that have been swirling around Lady Gaga’s upcoming concert in a few weeks, the country appears hopeful that her contribution to NFL-meets-pop-culture history won’t break the trend of spontaneity. Here’s what’s going on, in case you’ve been, oh, I don’t know, paying attention to the fact that the world is burning down around us politics or actual sports instead of these very important alleged facts about Lady Gaga:
1. Page Six reported that our Lady of Gaga wants to sing and dance on the roof of NRG Stadium in Houston and will maybe have people cut a hole in the roof so she can do so.
This is wild. First of all, if this very unsafe-sounding thing happened, Gaga would be so far away from everyone in the actual stadium that, in order to make her visible, they’d need to install a giant magnifying glass in front of her. Yes, I know jumbotrons exist, but think about how much cooler it would be if she were amplified by an actual giant magnifying glass.
She’d be like one of those ants you used to fry as a kid by channeling the sun through your grandfather’s glass. But instead of the sun, it would channel the focus of the American people. And instead of frying, Gaga would shine.
But I really hope this isn’t true, because I like my halftime shows like I like my men: Down to earth and large enough to be visible.
This is also wild because they’re talking about cutting a dang hole in the roof of a stadium that HAS A RETRACTABLE ROOF. I’m out on this report being true not only because it comes from Page Six and neither NRG Stadium nor Gaga’s people commented on it, but also because that’s such a colossally dumb rumor in the first place. In fact, it’s so stupid that I actually respect whoever started it. It’s almost like someone saw the state of the world today and was like, hey, you know what? Fake news seems pretty easy to spread, maybe I’ll give it a shot!
2. Someone alleged that the NFL is prohibiting the woman who once wore a dress made of red meat to a red carpet event from saying anything political during her show.
ET Online broke this news from an unnamed source, and the NFL then denied that they were muzzling Gaga when asked about it. In this same article, ET’s unnamed source — not to be confused with Page Six’s unnamed source — also said the whole hole-in-the-roof thing is bogus:
“The roof at NRG Stadium is retractable, so I’m not sure why they would need to cut a hole in the roof.”
Gaga has been pretty openly anti-Trump. She showed up at Trump Tower the day after the election holding a sign that says “love trumps hate.” It might not be the best optics for the NFL to have people thinking the league told her not to say anything, but it is true that the NFL really only stands to lose if a performer gets up on stage and yells something like, “BERNIE WOULDA BEAT THE PACKERS!!!” or “HILLARY FOR LEFT TACKLE!” or even, “TRUMP ISN’T AS ORANGE AS YOU THINK HE IS SO GIVE HIM A CHANCE!”
Because no matter who the performer is or what they could say, in this age of incredibly divisive politics, it would surely turn off a good chunk of the NFL’s fan base. The NFL is like the octopus of sports: A league built on reaching its money-hungry tentacles as deep into as many of our pockets as is octopusably possible. It has a vested interest in keeping those pockets open.
It’s worth noting, however, that performances are often inherently political, if not overtly so. People (namely Rudy Giuliani) got all up in arms after Beyoncé took the field last year with backup dancers dressed like members of the Black Panther party. Gaga’s songs advocate for equal treatment of the LGBTQ community and deal with complex and important subjects like sexual assault. Even if she doesn’t say anything people perceive as political, there’s a good chance she’ll sing it. And there’s a good chance pundits will respond negatively.
Can’t wait for that news cycle.
3. Lady Gaga has pitched a tent in her backyard to practice her performance.
This is not a rumor. This is true. I don’t know why no one thought to teach Gaga how to post this video so that it wasn’t sideways, but maybe it’s a part of her quirky brand.
4. ET Online also alleges that Gaga is going to have a guest artist join her on stage for a song, and that two artists have said no already.
Who knows if this will actually happen. But I really hope it does, and, given that superstars usually bring other superstars up on stage with them at halftime shows, there’s a good chance this rumor is one that actually holds water. Or Pepsi, as the case may be.
Let me just say, however, that if the guest artist isn’t Beyoncé, I will riot. The only person who could join Gaga onstage who isn’t Beyoncé and wouldn’t cause me to run through the streets of Houston screaming would be Prince, but Prince is dead because our world is a trash fire now. So maybe the only other person would be Nicki Minaj.
5. Some people are saying that Lady Gaga will perform in a dress made entirely of deflated footballs and the unraveled threads of Bill Belichick’s cutoff sweatshirt sleeves.
Hah, just kidding. I made that one up.
(That’s a joke, just to be clear. That’s not fake news. That’s satire. Please, for the love of god, understand that.)
Regardless of whether any of these unnamed sources are saying anything that has any semblance of truth to it, Gaga will probably surprise us with something.
Think about all the incredible occurrences no one saw coming that halftime shows have given us: We’ve gotten Janet Jackson’s aforementioned nip slip, Katy Perry’s Left Shark who couldn’t dance, Chris Martin’s god-awful Lisa Frank outfit from that abysmal Flower Power show he put on last year, Prince’s performance of Purple Rain at the greatest halftime show of all time, and anything Beyoncé has ever done.
If we’re being honest, Beyoncé should really be the only person ever allowed to perform a Super Bowl halftime show (I’d be cool with Run The Jewels, too, but that’s never gonna happen), but since she’s, you know, a busy woman, I really just hope Gaga rises to the occasion.
Also, here. I can’t put this post on the internet without including this video.
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