Deflategate breaks up with the Patriots: ‘It’s not me. It’s you.’

Thanks to a tip from a New England insider, SB Nation recieved a copy of the email Deflategate sent to the Patriots officially ending their relationship. We’ve included the text in full, as it was sent to us, below.

From: Deflategate <deflategate@howisthisstillathing.com>
To: The New England Patriots <patriots@patriots.com>
Subject: It’s actually 100 percent completely over this time, I swear

Hey,

So ... I’m not totally sure where to start. I’ve drafted this email, like, 15 times over the past two years. I’ve wanted to clear the air for a while, but felt that things hadn’t totally run their course yet. So I guess I’ll just come and and say it: We’re done. We are completely, totally, irrevocably done, and, after the Super Bowl, I don’t ever want to talk to you again.

You knew this was coming. If you think about it, our relationship was like that mashup of “Sweet Home Alabama” and Nelly’s “Country Grammar:” Something that never should’ve happened, but once you got a taste, hard to stop rolling with.

Listen, Patriots, we’ve been on and off for a while. When Tom dropped his appeal and accepted his four-game suspension, I thought that would be it. But then Jimmy got hurt, and then Jacoby got hurt, and then everyone was talking about us again. Do you know what it feels like to see your name dragged across the chyrons of ESPN for 544 days? “Deflategate this,” and “Deflategate that.” It’s like they didn’t realize that I’m a scandal with feelings.

And then the magazines just kept writing about us, it got in my head. “Are we still a thing?” I’d think. And then you’d send a “u up?” text after another development — like when Bob wrote that letter to Roger asking for your first-round draft pick back— and I’d be like, “destroyed my phone, who dis?” But, inevitably, we’d find ourselves testing footballs for air pressure in the bathroom at Gillette again.

You know I think you’re super attractive, so yeah, that made it hard to stay away. I’d never seen such a good looking offensive lineup in my life (do not let this go to your head) before I met you. Our chemistry — well, technically the physics, namely the Ideal Gas Law — was just insane.

And you have to admit that I gave you something. If I hadn’t showed up, you and your fan base would’ve had one less reason to double-down on the “us against the world” mentality you guys thrive on. As much as I hated talking about your ex, Spygate, I guess I kind of get your guys’ relationship now.

Because that tribalism you guys count on for Patriots Nation is nothing without adversity. Without us ‘gates, you would’ve been just another really good team that wins all the time. The only reasons any fans outside of New England had any empathy for you these past few years was because they thought Roger was being a dick to you about me. And I’m also responsible for Tom’s revenge tour, too. Without me, his whole “underdog” narrative would’ve gotten totally stale by now (maybe it already has, but I definitely extended its life a little bit).

Look, I’m not, like ... I mean, I don’t expect any recognition for any of this. Because I know I caused you a lot of pain. But I just wanted to stick up for myself while I’m leaving it all out there on the field. As it were.

I don’t want to discount all the great times we had. This was a really meaningful relationship for me. You gave me so much — I was literally nothing before I met you. And we had a lot of fun. Like, hah, remember how much we cracked up when we first saw that courtroom sketch of Tom? Sorry, I can’t help myself, one more time:

And remember that time that Roger wouldn’t go to the AFC Championship because we both scared him so much? I’m, like, actually laughing thinking about that now, ahaha.

Oh, also, I was talking to Judge Berman the other day and he asked about you. I told him you were probably busy getting ready to go to Houston, but he said he might reach out soon and see how you are. Probably after the Super Bowl.

I guess, ultimately, the spotlight isn’t for me. I’d rather be joking around with the ball boys in the locker room than parading around on SportsCenter. I also realize people are getting bored of us. I’m not a great look for you anymore.

Um, but, I did want to say something. I’m a little surprised that you’ve moved on so quickly? I see you’ve been involved with ... president Donald Trump? Like, Jesus, Patriots, he’s the president! Also, he’s married — and have you heard what people are saying about you because of this? I mean, whatever, we’re done, I don’t care what you do with your balls anymore. I’m just saying that you might wanna get a gauge on popular opinion before you commit any further.

Then again, you’ve never cared what other people think (I texted Bill after that whole “Seattle, Seattle, Seattle” business, but he never responded. Typical). So, good luck in Houston. It’s funny that you’re playing an actual underdog. I’ve never been to Atlanta, and I’m sure they don’t want to have me there, but they seem pretty fun.

Not that I’m rooting for them — I still really want to watch Roger have to hand Tom the Lombardi. Also, I’ll be in Houston, but we are not hanging out.

Anyway, thanks for the memories. But I guess the bottom line here is: It’s not me, it’s you. And after next Sunday, I hope no one ever speaks our names together in the same sentence again for as long as we have left on this earth.

- Deflategate

P.S. Can you mail me back that pressure gauge I left at your place? It’s a family heirloom.

P.P.S. I’m blocking you on Gchat, email, iMessage, Twitter, MyFace, SnapFace, and InstantFace.