Todd didn’t cancel Lightsaber Night because Todd isn’t real

So you know that sign that’s been going around Twitter lately? About Lightsaber Night being canceled because of Todd?

There’s another angle where you can see the name of the restaurant, which is a dive bar called the Hide Away in St. Louis. Today, as we SB Nation sports interneters were chuckling about the sign in Slack, our fearless managing editor Brian Floyd was like, “Hey Charlotte, call Hide Away and find out what Todd did.”

So I tried calling Hide Away, but it turns out most dive bars aren’t open at 10 in the morning (lame). I told Brian I’d call back later in the afternoon, and then, like any journalist worth her salt, promptly forgot to call back later in the afternoon.

Fast forward a few hours, and I’m sitting on my couch on a Friday night watching Animal House and eating takeout, even though I stayed in to write, because I’m on, like, a million deadlines. I checked Slack, and there was a message from Brian.

Seeing as I’m doing everything in my power not to write the actual articles I’m supposed to be working on, I was like:

So I called Hide Away, and a guy answered. I could hear the din of the bar in the background — the clinks of glasses, some tinny music. I told the guy I’m a reporter and I wanted to know what Todd did.

The guy goes, “Let me give you to the guy who made the sign.”

So then the first guy handed the phone to the sign guy, who is a bartender at Hide Away named Sam Jackson.

Jackson was like, “Hello?” and I was like, “Hi, I have a very important question: What did Todd do?”

“There’s actually no such person as Todd,” said Jackson. “All of our signs are completely fake.”

“NOOOOO!” I yelled into the phone before I got it together and tried to act professional again. “Sorry, I just, I mean — Todd really isn’t real?”

“I’m sorry to disappoint you,” Jackson said. “You’re like the 29th person to call today.”

I asked Jackson if he makes all the signs. He said he does, but that some are completely made up while others are taken from Twitter or the Internet. In other words, when he’s not lying about Todd, Jackson is out there stealing your digital jokes and making them analog.

“What’s your favorite sign you’ve made?” I asked.

“Not this one, because it’s getting too many phone calls,” Jackson said.

“Well, okay, so which one is?” I asked.

“The first one we did,” Jackson said. “We’re near a stoplight that takes forever, so the sign said, ‘YOUR WAIT TIME AT THE STOP LIGHT IS 40 MINUTES, MIGHT AS WELL COME HAVE A BEER.”’

I told Jackson that was funny, then asked if there were any others he liked.

“Not right now that I can think of,” he said. “But to be honest, we’re kind of busy right now, and I’m working, so...”

I told Jackson that I would let him go, and he said, “Thank you.”

So there you have it, folks. There’s no Todd. SB Nation Slack was pretty devastated when I delivered the news.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

In conclusion: This is why we can’t have nice things, because Todd isn’t real. The spread of fake news has gotten so out of hand that it’s even hitting the signs of dive bars. What a trash world we live in.

Now I’m going to go back to watching Animal House and not doing any of the work I’m supposed to be doing. Happy Friday night.