Ben Simmons don’t need to shoot no damn jumpers to dominate

Here’s the beautiful thing about basketball: it doesn’t really matter how you make the ball go in the hoop, it’s just that you do it often enough to not be Matthew Dellevedova.

Ben Simmons aka Baby Bron aka OG Shrimp On The Barby aka Yung Layups is a prime example of this. So many of you Internet Dweebs keep complaining that Simmons NEEDS to have a reliable jumper. That he NEEDS to space the floor. Something Something about stats and analytics and all that shit.

No. That is a lie. If you are distracted and think you are angry please look at Ben’s very nice fade and it’ll make you smile. See. That’s nice.

Anyway, Simmons doesn’t need to shoot the basketball ever until he actually knows how. Matter fact, someone should throw apples at him anytime he tries to. Shit is ugly. His jumper looks like a stapler flinging open.

What he does need to do and what he does better than most walking humans is get to the basket. If your basketball team possesses a “Baby Bron” and that Baby Bron is matched up with some trash wing defender, you would like your Baby Bron to run at him full speed once you clear out the weak or strong side of the court or create an isolated pick-and-roll situation.

Like here against Otto Porter:

Please observe, again, this time on Noted Bad Basketball Player Kelly Oubre:

Oubre literally waved his arms in multiple circles to try and play defense. Then he slid his feet under the screen (which is dumb but also kinda what he was supposed to do but also not really) and met half-speed Simmons on the other side. That’s kinda dumb. You should jump in front of the screen and stay attached to Simmons’ hip so he can’t generate GODLY BASKETBALL POWER.

But this is Noted Bad Basketball Player Kelly Oubre. Thus, he did whatever dumb thing he wanted to in an attempt to prevent Philadelphia’s Baby Bron from scoring. He did not do that. Because he is Noted Bad Basketball Player Kelly Oubre. Thank you for trying, Kelly. We will see you again.

The other great reason Simmons doesn’t need to shoot no damn jumpers: fast breaks exist in this here game of basketball.

Synergy Sports clocked Simmons being involved in transition opportunities 26 percent of his total offensive plays at LSU. In transition he was a ball-handler over 60 percent of the time. The only person in the same draft class that did better was Kris Dunn and Kris Dunn is very actively trash at this here game of basketball.

What that means is that whenever Yung Layups gets a rebound Philly’s Baby Bron can transform into Baby Magic and do whatever the fuck he wants in the open court. At times, that will look like this:

I feel sorry for Bradley Beal because, I too, would not know how to deal with one of my Large Basketball Sons running at me in the open court. I’d be like a matador. You can go right past me. Don’t look at me like that. Sometimes business decisions gotta get made when the only true descendant of whatever basketball planet LeBron came from is coming right at you.

Transition offense also works beautifully when you pass better than anyone else on the court. At LSU, Simmons was the best passer of any freshman forward or center in 17 years. He was also the 10th best passer of that same time span if you include all college frontcourt players of any age. No player in that top 10 was taller than 6-9. Peasants.

In a simpler way, please inject this into your eyeballs:

Beal ain’t wanna deal with that. Otto Porter ain’t wanna run to catch that. And Noted Bad Basketball Player Kelly Oubre just sat and watched. Great team effort from the Tied For 1st Place In The League Zardos.

Lastly, Baby Bron will destroy your weak defense (because no one man can hold Simmons) with that good ol’ dribble drive penetration. Mmmmmm. That’s the stuff.

This time Otto Porter decided he ain’t want them hands so he tagged in Other Noted Bad Basketball Player Marcin Gortat. Who, lol, I’m sorry, I have no clue what he was trying to do. It’s not his fault Porter ain’t wanna fight this fight after losing so many times all night. I get it. But Gortat has the lateral quickness and agility of Tom Brady after eating an avocado. He was set up to fail.

Oh, and Kelly Oubre was there, too. We don’t have to discuss it. But I know y’all saw him.

Anyway, friends. Let’s just agree to never ask Ben Simmons to shoot a damn jumper again. He is godly enough for a dude who was just able to drink legally. Maybe by time the Sixers are in the Eastern Conference Finals again (soon, btw) he will be able to shoot from 15 feet.

Other thing: even if he can shoot I hope he doesn’t. I’d rather watch all these assholes try to stop him. We know how the movie ends, but that doesn’t mean you don’t watch the Will Smith flick to the finish every time it comes on.