Trash Or Nawl: LeBron’s hairline needs help, and pumpkins are for the birds

Welcome to Trash Or Nawl, a weekly column to help you weed through the Internet Muck. To do that, I’ll be breaking it down to a helpful binary: Is something trash? Or nawl? Topics here will involve sports and whatever else the hell I say is sports or sports adjacent. I’ll do my best to make sense of what’s going on each week, but the thing to remember is no matter what I say, most of these things are still trash.

You might say this is simplistic, and hell yeah it is. This is how I make sense of the chaos. Professional grade hating restores power to my powerless stupid fan hands. I give a middle finger because I’ve given up clapping.

Trash or Nawl criteria: We will pick a topic. We will breakdown why or why it isn’t trash. You can agree, you can comment or tweet your disagreements. Or we can fight. Really, it’s up to you.

Let’s have a frank discussion about some nasty ass shit you folks have been passing off for years as delicious: pumpkins.

If there’s any month that could be closely related to White Folk History Month, it’s probably October. One of the Patron Saints of Whiteness, Christopher Columbus, has a special day this month. October is the only month anyone other than randos in St. Louis pays attention to baseball. And October is the month Starbucks overpours nutmeg in your already shitty coffee and tells you it’s “pumpkin spice.”

October is mostly centered around stupid pumpkins. In this month not only do you get to drag your Vineyard-Vines-vest-wearing-ass lover to your local apple picking / pumpkin orchard in Racist Town, USA, you also get to get the delicacies that come with that. Ain’t nothing nastier than some stale-ass pumpkin brew fresh out the tap.

I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but pumpkins are trash. Hell, most shit the color orange is trash. Pumpkins, candy corn, the president are all trash. The reality is: Pumpkins and orange-pumpkin-like things are just off-brand, generic versions of the greatness of yams and sweet potatoes. That’s right: Trump is a pumpkin, and Obama is a yam.

Cinderella rode in on a pumpkin to find the man of her dreams in the fairy tale, princess movie which was basically the plot of Holes, while the first black Disney princess lived in a swamp. Nah, man. Fuck wit a sweet potato instead. Pumpkins are trash.

VERDICT: Trash

Someone come get Black Marcus Aurelius.

Look man, it’s cool Bron gets to do cool shit like be on the cover of a magazine. It’s cool Bron sends kids to college. It’s cool Bron owns the soul to about 50 random dudes who played for various professional athletic organizations. But what Bron not gonna do is sell me a pipe dream.

I don’t know which one of you keep selling Bron these hair plugs, but you gotta stop. Don’t give him Fenty Beauty No. 450 as a care package; tell him to shave his scalp. Y’all helped create this mess. Deion Sanders brought a better hairline on Thursday Night Football than Bron had for a photoshoot. Take his credit card. Stop letting the best basketball player in the world buy hairlines from the Jamie Foxx seasonal collection.

YOU GOT BRANDS OUT HERE TAKIN’ SHOTS AT YA NAME, BRON. IN THE NAME OF SOME CLICKS. FIX THIS. JUST GO BALD.

VERDICT: Super Trash

So apparently, in the most not shocking news ever, Bobby Portis beat somebody’s ass.

This isn’t to say Bobby is a mean dude or violent or any of those classic stereotypes we affix to a dude in this situation. Ya mans was just fed up and beat Nikola Mirotic’s ass so bad we had to Google the diagnosis.

And here’s the thing: It’s been made clear that this was a fight coming for damn near three years. I feel bad for Mirotic, but I also don’t feel bad for Mirotic. Look at Bobby; do he look like someone to fuck wit? He was born in Little Rock, Ark. That’s so far down South they will take they shoes off before they beat ya ass. This man has eyes that belong to a VeggieTales character. Nah, b. I’m not fighting Arkansas Bobby because Arkansas Bobby look like he been fighting all his life.

THIS IS THE SAME DUDE WHO SAID HE PLAYS ANGRY BECAUSE HE PICTURES THE OPPONENT SLAPPIN HIS MOMS IS THIS REALLY THE MAN YOU WANNA GO TO WAR AGAINST?!

This isn’t to say Mirotic doesn’t come with his own brand of insane. Dude from Montenegro. They don’t fuck around in Montenegro. Gangs are threatening the destination as a tourist paradise. Again, they do not fuck around in Montenegro. But you need to understand that COUNTRY SKRENF is not an international commodity. It is harbored in the South and given to its tried champions.

Peter Vecsey explained the how this whole thing started:

Mirotic initiated the skirmish. “He was the aggressor, not Portis,” I am informed. “Mirotic shoved Portis twice, maybe three times. When Portis retaliated with a hard shove, Mirotic charged him. Portis put him down.”

Aye, breh. That’s all I need to hear. You not only hit me with three shoves and I kept my cool and gave you one of those “try my one more time and Ima fuck you up” shoves, but then had the audacity to charge in my direction?

This played out exactly how it should’ve. Mirotic danced with the devil and got burned. Life Lesson: If a dude named Arkansas Bobby with bug eyes is coming at you, 15 times out of 10, he is not the one to fuck wit.

VERDICT ON INCIDENT: Not trash

If you disagree with these verdicts, comment below. As stated earlier, you can agree, comment, tweet through your frustration or fight. Really, it’s up to you.