If safeties are successfully kicking in the NFL, what hope is there for the real toe-men?

Welcome to Gramatica Errors, SB Nation’s weekly kicking and punting column. As always, we will do our best to avoid any and all foot puns. Now let’s kick things off ...

When Cowboys kicker Dan Bailey went down with a sore groin this week, Dallas safety Jeff Heath stepped in and kicked admirably, hitting two of three extra points and doing well with kickoffs.

Hey, Jeff? Get the hell out of here with this. You’re a safety, an NFL safety, a physical specimen that was put on earth to sprint fast and hit hard. You are one of the supreme athletes alive.

And you’re going to come in here and take kicking away from us? Stop it. This column was started in part because I was inspired that someone who looks like Bill Gramatica could have a career as a professional football player.

And now you’re going to come in here and convert extra points? Go flex in the mirror, you jerk. Leave the kicking to the mortals. This is selfish. This is absolutely selfish.

Oh man. Check out this smooth-as-hell toe boy:

Wait. Let me set the mood a little bit. Here. Put this on.

There we go.

The kicker, who I have only found described online as “a [sic] unidentified kicker presumably in or near Baton Rouge, La., given the source of the video,” shows us all the proper way to toe: Nice and easy.

This might be revolutionary. Sure, the toe isn’t exactly the best way to kick, because toes aren’t a flat surface and kicks can go anywhere, but on the other hand, whatever. This is hilarious. Dude doesn’t have to worry about hip torque or rotation or anything. The process is simple: Step up, chill out, toe. What more could you possibly need?

Roberto Aguayo is BACK.

The kicker, whose name is now prefixed by “embattled,” has signed with the Carolina Panthers after he was cut by the Chicago Bears following the preseason. Aguayo is well known because the Tampa Bay Buccaneers spent a second-round pick on him, which is certainly high, though the main problem with the pick was that it turned out he wasn’t extremely good at kicking field goals.

I want him to lean into this. Call himself Zombie Aguayo, paint his face like he’s on The Walking Dead, and tell everyone who asks he knows not life, just the eternal haunting of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. They already made a movie about haunting pirates. It was a rousing success. Seriously, made a ton of money. Aguayo, man, we’ve got something going here. Call me. Let’s make some lemonade.

Raiders kicker Giorgio Tavecchio had a tough outing on Thursday night, missing twice in Oakland’s 31-30 win over the Chiefs. After the game, he was reflective.

“You just try to stay in the present,” Tavecchio said. “I don’t know if it’s as much forgetting as it is staying as present as possible, keeping your head where your feet are and just kind of moving forward.”

Look at that quote. Read it again. Staying as present as possible, keeping your head where your feet are and just kind of moving forward. Now do it in your best Matthew McConaughey voice. Now we’re getting somewhere.

That’s life right there, kemosabes. Keeping your head where your feet are. We’re all just passengers on this crazy rock we call a planet. Head. Feet. Energy. Motion. Con-nec-tiv-i-ty. Feeling the wave and harnessing it, man. Rope the wave. The wave is the bull. You are the bull. Ball to toe, toe to brain, brain to heart. Keep the head where the feet are, sip the night sky. Giorgio, you magnificent son of a bitch, you did it again.