Trash Or Nawl: Why would I waste my good weed on your kids?

Welcome to Trash Or Nawl, a weekly column to help you weed through the Internet Muck. To do that, I’ll be breaking it down to a helpful binary: Is something trash? Or nawl? Topics here will involve sports and whatever else the hell I say is sports or sports adjacent. I’ll do my best to make sense of what’s going on each week, but the thing to remember is no matter what I say, most of these things are still trash.

You might say this is simplistic, and hell yeah it is. This is how I make sense of the chaos. Professional grade hating restores power to my powerless stupid fan hands. I give a middle finger because I’ve given up clapping.

Trash or Nawl criteria: We will pick a topic. We will breakdown why or why it isn’t trash. You can agree, you can comment or tweet your disagreements. Or we can fight. Really, it’s up to you.

Wayment, let’s all gather ‘round and watch the local news continue their years-long campaign to ruin everyone’s good time.

From the CBS affiliate in Philly:

New Jersey officials are warning about marijuana edibles being given out as candy treats this Halloween.

The state’s Department of Health says there is a significant presence of marijuana candy and other edible forms in New Jersey and other nearby states.

“The presence of these edible forms of marijuana poses a great risk to users, especially to children, who may accidentally receive marijuana candy during Halloween,” said Gloucester County Freeholder Jim Jefferson, who is also liaison to the Department of Health and Human Services.

....

“Parents need to be aware and check for unusual candy packaging,” said Jefferson. “If they suspect their child has received marijuana candy, they should immediately contact their local police department.”

Why would I give Lil’Hunter from Glassboro my good weed? He don’t deserve it. He still doesn’t know the difference between Trump and Obama except that “one guy talks funny, mommy.” He don’t got bills to pay. Shid, you know how hard it is to make these things? Gon’head eat a Snickers Lil’Hunter, this ain’t for you.

Also: What the hell does “parents need to be aware and check for unusual candy packaging” EVEN MEAN? There isn’t a magic Weed Fairy that’s going through the suburbs blessing families who think Lil’Tiffany is better off playing the flute than the violin so she’ll fit in at her magnet school with packaged kush next to the Fritos labeled “THAT LOUD PACK” in bright green letters.

Ain’t nobody giving weed edibles out to ya dumb ass kids. And if they were, it’s only to see Lil’Hunter hit a very unstable milly rock in a Peter Pan costume while he asks why he can’t control his body. Also: Your kids ain’t “accidentally” receiving weed candy. If Ol’Dude up the block constantly uses the same “Sex On The Beach” incense after 5 p.m. on school nights, maybe don’t let Lil’Hunter get his Mounds bar from there.

Verdict on the News Snitchin: Trash

Everyone’s favorite football Texan Bob McNair said some wild shit because black people who work for the NFL were asking for equality.

Jan, please roll the cameras to the middle of Texas and find the white man who looks like an off-brand Gucci loafer.

Per ESPN:

McNair, a multimillion-dollar Trump campaign contributor, spoke next, echoing many of the same business concerns. “We can’t have the inmates running the prison,” McNair said.

Wooooooooooo Bobbbyyyyy.

This is the most Southern-brand racist stick-talk I’ve heard in a long time. Shit, Toby turned his head twice when he heard that. I’m actually real happy this happened for a few reasons. A bunch of you morons really think the NFL did something by: 1) linking arms with black people 2) letting black people sit at their tables to discuss why they upset and 3) taking seemingly the least possible action about 1 and 2.

McNair apologized but don’t nobody give a damn about your apology.

It doesn’t matter that all this has happened in the last month or so. What matters is that you dummies fell for the jig. McNair, like every other white person who runs a team in the league, is part of a system bolstered by white supremacy. This is football. Dudes literally get paid to mash their brains to paste, and we sit there and go “YEAHHHHH FUCK THE COWBOYS!”

And look, as a Philly die-hard, it is quite enjoyable to yell “YEAHHHH FUCK THE COWBOYS!” I often do it in church. But it’s hard to even remember how we got here in the first place. It’s hard to consider if anyone knows what they’re protesting about anymore. But it’s soooooooo easy to remember that LITERALLY EVERY WHITE DUDE WHO RUNS THE LEAGUE OWNS HIS OWN PACK OF BLACK ATHLETES AND WILL TELL THEM WHAT TO DO WHENEVER THEY PLEASE.

This isn’t new from Ol’Bobby. This is the appetizer. The NFL is — at best — as far as it ever was from giving a good fuck about equality for black folks. At worst? They been drinking that Good Yakubian Punch and have even more incentive than ever to not give a fuck about what y’all care about. So thank you, Bobby, for reminding them who y’all is. Shid, I ain’t never forget.

Verdict on the comments: Of Course Trump-level Trash

Verdict on y’all who are still surprised racisms happen in America: of Course Trump-level Trash

Sometimes, technology goes too far.

Apparently Amazon God Jeff Bezos and his We Think We Are Better Than EBay company is now trying to steal all yo shit out yo house. The Amazon Key is a new service that lets couriers unlock your front door and put your package in your home and, let’s not sugar coat it, this is a quick way for someone to either get they ass beat or catch a bullet.

I don’t want Lil’Hunter in my community let alone IN MY HOUSE; the hell makes you think I want his destitute door-delivery daddy in there too?

I hope the Amazon delivery drivers of color see this jig. Don’t do it, man. Nah, I don’t care who you gotta call. If I’m delivering yo package, yo shit is on the front steps. I’m not gonna be on the news because you feel inconvenienced. Fire me then.

I end up ordering a flat screen and lose an Xbox. I’m ordering arts and crafts for the kids and my whole fridge missing. If my momma don’t even got the extra key to my crib, Amazon, you ain’t getting it. See, y’all gon let Bezos in ya house and he gon mess up ya weed gummy production.

One of these deliveries I’m gonna come home by accident and then be singing a Tamia song.

“I don’t understaaaaaaand

You loooook just like the mannnnnn in the picturessss

By our beddd

The suspense is pounding and clouding up my heaaaaad

I’m checking your clothes

You wear the same size shooooeeee

You sleep in his spot and you’re driving his car

But I DON’T KNOW JUST WHO YOU AREEEEEEE

THERE’S A STRANGERRRR IN MY HOUSEEEEEEEEE”

Nah, Bezos. Keep ya lil robots and ya lil devices. I’m sure the bodega got whatever y’all selling

Verdict: Trash, don’t come in house without me there. Don’t come at all.

If you disagree with these verdicts, comment below. As stated earlier, you can agree, comment, tweet through your frustration or fight. Really, it’s up to you.