The buffoonery from the Warriors-Wizards fight, ranked from Draymond Green to Kelly Oubre Jr.

It has already been a hell of a season for the Golden State Warriors. They lost their season opener to Houston, spawning countless the-Warriors-are-the-worst-team-in-the-league-at-this-exact-moment jokes; Stephen Curry threw his mouthpiece in a loss to Memphis, getting him and then Kevin Durant ejected; Jordan Bell threw a dunk off the backboard that some people got mad about but LeBron James defended it by saying, “So what?”

Now they got into a fight. God bless them.

It’s like the Warriors are a child prodigy who’s acting up because everything else comes so easily to him, and to an extent, that’s true. As head coach Steve Kerr said last night, the team “won on talent” and forgot plays on five different out-of-bounds situations. But they’re not actually child-prodigies; they’re the face of an increasingly popular sports league, and they’re successfully pissing off everyone else in the process.

This fight will likely not change anybody’s mind if they’re coming at it from a partisan perspective. If you wanted more ammunition against Golden State, this is probably good enough. That said, it looked like the Wizards were, by and large, the perpetrators here. Let’s go through and rank the buffoonery on display in the Friday night scuffle.

Friday was Al Attles Night for Golden State, a player who spent his entire 14-year career with the Warriors and became the first African-American head coach in the league during the 1970s. He was famous for wearing suits like this, and Kerr broke out this attire in tribute, which was a super cool gesture.

... except when they cut from the fight back to Kerr, and it looks like he’s a 70s-era disco DJ who’s staring across the room at someone who stole his girl last week.

Projected suspension: None, obviously

It’s the “oh no bb what is you doin” meme, but with Felix as that dude. The altercation breaks out near the Wizards bench, and everyone knows that it’s an automatic suspension if you leave the bench area during a fight. Felix is the only active Wizard, still in full warmups, to hustle over to the scuffle, although he eventually gets pulled back by coaches without actually accomplishing anything. You can see him just to the left of Green here.

Felix is on the first guaranteed contract of his life, making $1.3 million after bouncing around the G-League. I believe he will be only suspended, not fined, if the league handles this the same as they handled the C.J. McCollum situation earlier this year. But he could be fined up to $35,000, and that’s money means more to him than most players in his situation. If he is fined, I hope Bradley Beal pays it.

Projected suspension: One game

I went back and forth on who was the worst instigator. Green, for his career, is obviously much more instigative, of course. Beal definitely got the better of Green in this situation. Let’s look.

It looks like Beal grabs Green at the start of a box out situation. On the left side of the screen, I’m pretty certain that’s Beal holding back one or both of Green’s arms.

Green retaliates with an elbow to Beal’s stomach. I can’t tell if he makes good contact, because there isn’t a clear angle. This is Green warning Beal to stop grabbing him, and while both can be classified as dirty plays, they’re both common. You never would have noticed either one if not for the fight. There are little moments like this all the time.

(Compare the two screenshots, or check the video at the top. You can see Green is parallel to Beal above, and then below, he has turned his hips to swing his elbow back into him.)

It could have been over right then and there, except Beal retaliates — maybe by instinct as much as anything else. He smacks Green right across the face.

Green grabs him — his irate postgame comments seem to indicate he was trying to not get thrown out of the game, knowing he already had a technical foul — and the two end up next to the stanchion before they’re pulled off of each other.

What we don’t know is how much Green instigated leading up to this moment. Look, I’d like to take Green at his word, but that’s not really possible anymore. It’s definitely possible that he did something earlier in the game, or even more likely, somethings, that caused Beal to finally snap. That’s what he does, and the Warriors wouldn’t change a thing!

I tend to think the Wizards win this game if Beal isn’t ejected — their offense really bogged down late after having a double-digit lead in the fourth quarter — so if Green instigated this to the point where Beal snapped then Green ultimately won his team a game. You can rightfully hate him for those tactics, but the Warriors certainly wouldn’t change it.

Anyway, I didn’t see anything like that for Green, so all we can do is speculate. The league can do the same thing, but ultimately, they might even rescind Green’s second technical. Beal gets one game for the hit, most likely, although it’s possible he escapes this with only a fine.

Projected suspensions: One game for Beal, zero for Green

Markieff Morris is missing up to eight weeks after sports hernia surgery. He’s in a navy suit just watching the game with his teammates. And, in four parts, this is the most Markieff shit imaginable.

ACT ONE

ACT TWO

ACT THREE

ACT FOUR

Projected suspension: One game

SOMEONE COME GET GRANDPA, HE GOT BLASTED FROM TOO MUCH CAMPBELL’S CHUNKY SOUP AND GINGER ALE.

Beal’s grin is so good.

Projected suspension: I’d ban him for the season, but that’s just me. Probably nothing happens.

Someone come get Kelly, my man’s out of control again. What is he doing!? Oubre wades into a scuffle intent on throwing punches, and he does just that. He clocks his own teammate John Wall in the back of the head!

He then nails Klay Thompson in the face, too.

This is peak buffoonery, and the NBA won’t let this slide, even if Oubre wasn’t ejected from this game. Multiple swings, regardless how ineffective they actually were, and regardless whether he was making contact with an opponent or a teammate, should get him a multiple game suspension. That’s my guess, anyway.

Projected suspension: Three games