Trash Or Nawl: All hail Shannon Sharpe, patron saint of Yak & Milds

Welcome to Trash Or Nawl, a weekly column to help you weed through the Internet Muck. To do that, I’ll be breaking it down to a helpful binary: Is something trash? Or nawl? Topics here will involve sports and whatever else the hell I say is sports or sports adjacent. I’ll do my best to make sense of what’s going on each week, but the thing to remember is no matter what I say, most of these things are still trash.

You might say this is simplistic, and hell yeah it is. This is how I make sense of the chaos. Professional grade hating restores power to my powerless stupid fan hands. I give a middle finger because I’ve given up clapping.

Trash or Nawl criteria: It’s very simple. We will pick a topic. We will breakdown why or why it isn’t trash. You can agree, you can comment or tweet your disagreements. Or we can fight. Really, it’s up to you.

Apologies for being off last week, kids. The president was out here firin’ from the hip so I had to do some “Journalisms” to keep the streets fed. Either way, My Real President, Ben Simmons, had a lot to say on that. Philly forever.

So, let’s get right into it.

HE BEEN ON THEM MILDS WITH THAT YAK, HARD, YESTERDAY, SKIP

IF YO TEAM DIDN’T SCORE A POINT YESTERDAY DON’T TOUCH THE VICTORY CIGARS

WHY YOU BE ON HIM ON THESE MILDS?! HE JUST BE ON THESE MILDS AND HENN, DOG, AND Y’ALL WORRIED BOUT HIM.

There are only so many moments in American history when the Respectability Cape is untucked and a moment made for a Boondocks cut scene is put in front of a White American audience. Y’all just gone have to deal with this. Shannon said fuck the morning news, because he been off them milds and that Yak, Skip. He been off that Henn, dog. And goddamnit, he deserves it.

Shannon took that Respectability Cape — the limited edition Jason Whitlock Player Colorway — off and put his “HennyThing is Possible” dad hat on with a matching chain and some Nike Boots right from the 08 Wale “Chillin” video. What modern host of the daily sports shock jock collective cannot only fight for black rights but also be unapologetic whenever he chooses?

White people, gather round. Put the La Croix down. I make a simple request. Do not gentrify Black & Milds. Do not start calling them Dark & Neutrals. Do not try them. They are not for you. Leave what’s left we have of our stake in this country. And if any videos of y’all making Taylor Swift sounding remixes to what Shannon did surface, I will file Cease & Desist papers on behalf of Black America.

Thank You,

Management.

Wait. Music hums from the rafters. Oh. OH! IS THAT SHANNON’S MUSIC?!

VERDICT: NOT TRASH, AT ALL

Oh, this is what y’all wanted, Houston?

Old-ass, no-hair havin-ass, midget in a sport full of giants-ass, Chris Paul is out here mad again. No, this is not an indictment of Paul. This is to say: Fuck you, Andre Roberson, you fake ass Bruce Bowen, learn how to shoot, man.

In the year 2017, we are still allowing — not only trash ass cities to be good at sports (Yo, OKC) — millionaire, superhuman basketball boys to keep airballing basketballs. The entire point of the sport is to score more points than the other person. Eventually, we need to stop letting these “defensive-specialists” onto the court. Like, yeah, you wanna keep the clamps on folks, but YOU ALSO WANNA SCORE POINTS, FAM.

In no world if I’m picking random players off the wall to run 5s am I saying “Yes, please, give me the guy who can’t shoot past 15 feet, is a guard, and looks like he should be playing Ligue 3 soccer in Grenoble.”

Only person who should be embarrassed here is Roberson and Sam Presti. Presti for not getting trash off the floor. Roberson because he’s a marginally worse shooter than LaMelo Ball.

Chris Paul hasn’t been able to ride roller coasters because of his height his entire adult life. It’s not about basketball after you yell “hell, nah!” at my jumper. It’s about hands. You not gonna openly embarrass me in front of my loved ones even if I’m wrong. Nah, b. Throw a chair or square up.

VERDICT ON ROBERSON’S JUMPER: SUPER TRASH

VERDICT ON CHRIS PAUL’S HECKLING: A1 SHIT TALKIN

White People, gather back around. Look, I know we’ve had nice, long talks about Boston, but we gotta have another one. The hockey boys of Pittsburgh — aka Boston’s “Metropolitan-born, but still went to West Virginia because they had bad grades” third cousin — decided in the last few weeks that they wanted to cape for White America.

Don’t worry, They will tell you this is not about politics; it’s about honor and tradition and unity. Different shit completely. Margaret, please check off the “honor is bullshit” box on your “White America Rides Again” bingo card.

“The Pittsburgh Penguins respect the institution of the Office of the President, and the long tradition of championship teams visiting the White House,” the Penguins’ statement reads via The Washington Post.

Yeaaaahhhh hook that shit up to an IV and send it to my bloodstream.

“We attended White House ceremonies after previous championships — touring the historic building and visiting briefly with Presidents George H.W. Bush and Barack Obama — and have accepted an invitation to attend again this year.”

Oh hell yeah, we supported that one guy half of y’all kinda liked and half of y’all kinda didn’t, and we supported y’alls black president! We are definitely doing the right thing on this one, guys!

“Any agreement or disagreement with a president’s politics, policies or agenda can be expressed in other ways. However, we very much respect the rights of other individuals and groups to express themselves as they see fit.”

Woooooo, that’s a beautiful, goddamn lie. Chef’s Kiss.

Listen, protest is something that always upsets the majority no matter where or how it happens. For the Penguins organization to pass judgement AT THE SAME TIME TRUMP WAS OUT HERE SPRAYING THE CHOPPA AT BLACK ATHLETES on people wishing to do so is cowardly. It also perpetuates the ideas of the “Unity Above All Else” crowd when it comes to athletes not just being entertaining meat sacks. It protects the ideals of the organization rather than the employees.

This was a tool for the president to pass off his harmful rhetoric. He is now happy with mostly white hockey fans (and NASCAR, we see you Confederate Flag Waving Bro and Miller Lite Enthusiast Bro) and used it as a way to attack the black, athletic elite. So thank you, Pittsburgh. This was real, real dope of y’all. Oh, and tell y’all local newspapers just because the mayor isn’t going doesn’t mean he’s “taking a knee” on the subject.

Whispers: And this is expected of a hockey town that shit on P.K. Subban and Joel Ward for being black and beating the brakes off your bad team.

VERDICT: PIPING HOT TRASH

If you disagree with these verdicts, comment below. As stated earlier, you can agree, comment, tweet through your frustration or fight. Really, it’s up to you.