Take the field goal, Jim Caldwell, you wild maniac

Welcome to Gramatica Errors, SB Nation’s weekly kicking and punting column. As always, we will do our best to avoid any and all foot puns. Now let’s kick things off ...

The Detroit Lions lost a very winnable game to the Pittsburgh Steelers this weekend, and after the game, Detroit Free Press columnist Jeff Seidel identified why.

Jim Caldwell refused to think with his feet.

From the article:

Late in the third quarter, Caldwell decided to go all river-boat gambler and go for it on fourth-and-goal from the 1.

He made this decision on a night when the Lions couldn’t do anything in the red zone.

He made this decision on a night when the Lions couldn’t do anything near the goal line, against a tough Steelers defense.

He made this decision moments after his injury-depleted offensive line lost right tackle Rick Wagner to an injury (he later returned).

He did this at a time when he didn’t need to risk it. This was not a wild shootout. The Steelers were not lighting up the scoreboard. At that stage, Ben Roethlisberger was missing wide-open receivers, and a field goal would have given the Lions a 15-13 lead.

Listen, I know that some of you might dismiss this as a scalding hot take and/or an example of the kind of backwards thinking that’s holding back football writing and/or Exhibit A in the case against the worst kind of lazy column writing, but on the other hand: kick rocks, nerds.

You know what this man is arguing for? More field goals. Beautiful, luscious field goals. He wants Matt Prater to kick, and then kick some more, kicks onward and forever, kicking into eternity, until the Lions have won all the games. Attrition by toe. Laces to nirvana. Enough being a river boat gambler, Jim Caldwell. Put on the warm blanket of three points. Embrace that uprights lifestyle.

The Bengals vs. Colts game on Sunday ended 24-23 in favor of the Bengals, which, sure. Whatever. I have no interest in either of these teams and I look forward to not watching either of them this year until the Bengals lose in the Wild Card game in some dumb way.

But here is something that did happen in their game: There was both a blocked field goal and a blocked punt in the game. The punt was blocked by the Bengals and the field goal by the Colts.

This is disgusting. Two times the fine craftsmanship of a toesmith was tossed into the trash.

Let me ask you this, Bengals and Colts: When Jiro Ono presents you a piece of sushi, do you take that sushi and smack it against the wall? How dare you.

South Alabama lost to Georgia State this weekend, but I believe they should have won the game, because this field goal should be worth 19 points.

On this play, the South Alabama kicker has combined field goal kicking and the gameplay of Tony Hawk Pro Skater for Nintendo 64 — two of my favorite nine things on Earth — and made something awe-inspiring. The football grinds the rail, then dips over. That ball wasn’t content to just go through the uprights — it wanted to extend the journey. It wanted to party. Any old ball can get you three points. This field goal lived.

SHANE LECHLER YOU NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY BOY. LOOK AT THIS FUCKING PUNT.

The Texans punter, who is so good that I now have friends who don’t even care about football, let alone punting, texting me about him, put backspin on a punt that traveled 60 yards against the Seahawks this Sunday. In the most exciting game of the weekend, this was the most exciting play.

I don’t care that Deshaun Watson and Russell Wilson combined for over 850 yards and eight touchdowns. Glory boys, the lot of them. Sure, Watson is going to be the Rookie of the Year, whatever. Call me when he can drop a ball on a dime from 60 yards with his god damn foot. Toe boys!