It’s time to spice up MLB outfields

All right, so to start this off I just want to say that baseball was my first sport and that I will always have a soft spot for it even if I sound like a hater on Twitter.

Back to the intro.

I was playing Mario Super Sluggers for the Wii, and I was frustrated with myself for not knowing the controls and all of the power-ups the computer was using to destroy me. That’s when it hit me.

We absolutely need obstacles in the outfield. OUTFIELDERS ARE TOO GOOD AT THEIR JOBS! LET’S SPICE SHIT UP.

Here’s how this blog post will work: I’m going to name an outfield obstacle for each ballpark and then bless you with a snippet of how said commentary would sound if you were watching on TV or listening on the radio.

Please have an open mind because my mind is open as hell.

Play-by-play: This one gets through the infield. Now can Adam Jones get to the ball before the crabs do?

Color commentary: Jones wants to be sure that he doesn’t upset the colony of crabs ... herd of crabs ... squad of crabs?

Play-by-play: Cast

Color commentary: Cast of crabs, thank you. Those crabs seem to love baseball. You have to be really careful to get the ball without upsetting the cast.

Play-by-play: It seems like Jones is swatting at the crabs with his glove hand. Very wise of him to not use his bare hand unlike the last fielder to try this.

Color commentary: Yup, it seems that teams are starting to use game film to study what is working and what isn’t working against these crabs. We’ve seen very good and very, very bad.

Play-by-play: This ball is back ... to the track ... to the wall and BRYCE HARPER RUNS INTO TEDDY ROOSEVELT! THIS IS A VERY UNFORTUNATE TURN OF EVENTS FOR THE NATIONALS

Color commentary: Yes, I imagine that the presidents are trying their best to stay out of the way of the home team, but after so many laps around the field it’s hard to stay running and be cognizant of your surroundings.

Play-by-play: This is a high fly ball into center field ... Charlie Blackmon is getting dangerously close to the designated bees area. Remember, there are many pressure-activated spots on the field that release the bats at any time.

Color commentary: I can’t watch! Oh, the potential horror!

Play-by-play: Blackmon ... MAKES THE CATCH AND AVOIDS OPENING THE BAT CAGE!

Color commentary: Whew that’s a rel ... Loud noise from right field

Play-by-play: @#$%. Well it looks like Carlos Gonzalez opened the right field bat trap. Let’s just hope they’re friendly this time.

Carlos Gonzalez: THIS TIME?!

Play-by-play: That ball is hit WAY back to left field, and you know what that means!

Crowd: RELEASE THE MONSTER

Color Commentary: That’s right! This week’s green monster is Reptar, brought to you by Reptar Investments. Don’t let your retirement plan turn into a monster. Call 1-800-REPTAR1 to set up an appointment today.

Play-by-play: Let’s just hope he doesn’t eat the ball this time!

Play-by-play: That’s ripped into left center field; back is Mike Trout and Justin Upton. And Trout falls into the river, but fortunately Upton is there to make the catch for the second out.

Color Commentary: Well if you’re a fisherman I have good news for you. It looks like it’s Trout Season out in left field, amirite.

Play-by-play: How long have you been holding on to that one?

Color Commentary: Weeks.

Play-by-play: And that ball is hit high and DEEP! Hunter Pence is hustling! Will he get there? He might have to dive...he does! He makes the catch! But that has to hurt.

Color commentary: Yeah, I’ve talked to some right fielders over the course of the season, and they told me that new right field is problematic. The deepest part goes up to waist deep for most people and makes diving catches incredibly painful. Keep in mind that you’re belly-flopping while wearing a cup. That can’t be pleasant. What an effort by Pence, though. Couldn’t be me.

Play-by-play: This ball gets past the second baseman and looks to be a single as the right fielder ... *BOOM* never mind. That ball will get past John Jaso! Once again the constant cannon fire has proved to be a problem for this outfield!

Color commentary: That’s right, first you have to deal with the noise of the cannon fire to break your concentration, and then you have to dodge the cannonball. These cannon baseballs can hurt too, and players have the option to wear baseball helmets in the field. This probably wasn’t a good idea by Commissioner Kofie, but it’s definitely a game-changer!

Play-by-play: Ground ball...THAT will reach a patch of ivy in right field! One run will score! Jason Heyward is searching for that ivy.

Color commentary: That ivy is no joke! It’s thick, and if the player can’t find it after 10 seconds it’s ruled out of play, so it’s a race against the clock! That is excellent hit placement.

Play-by-play: This one is fouled high and down the line. Remember, that one player from the opposing bullpen can throw a dodgeball at any time. Yasiel Puig is heading down the line. He throws ... OHHHHH HEADSHOT WOW! What a dodgeball throw from Fernando Rodney!

Color commentary: It’s usually odd to see a closer out here as the designated dodgeball thrower, but Rodney does it with precision! Textbook accuracy there by Rodney!

Play-by-play: Now I know that we’ve talked about home-field advantage, but this is ridiculous.

Color commentary: Yes, it seems that the sprinkler operator has fallen asleep at the controls multiple times. You’re only supposed to turn them on while in play, but these sprinklers keep coming on during dead time. I’m not sure this is how Commissioner Kofie imagined the sprinklers would be used.

Two days later

Sportscaster: We have the latest on the Sprinklergate scandal. It seems like there was an accomplice. We’ll have the full report at 11.

Play-by-play: That’s a screaming line drive right into the snacks section of the Target Express! Eddie Rosario has to make sure he doesn’t knock over any displays or customers while in pursuit of this ball.

Color commentary: That’s right, and Twins fans know the rules all too well. You break it, you buy it!

Play-by-play: Yup, and we don’t need to talk about the eighth-inning egg incident last week. It changed the whole flow of the game.

Color commentary: You can say the Twins were a shell of their former selves after that.

Play-by-Play: Bruh.

Play-by-play: There’s a high fly ball. This one’s got a chance back anddddddd OFF THE ATM! Money is shooting out of the ATM, and now the FANS are jumping onto the field! This is craziness. Security is going to have its hands full with this one, right partner?

Color commentary: *Left 30 seconds ago to collect money.

Play-by-play: That ball gets by the first baseman and will roll all the way to the wall! Shin-Soo Choo is running and HITS THE DECK! It looks like he rolled his ankle on another one of those squirrel holes.

Color commentary: It seems like his foot fell into a hole there, partner. Sometimes during batting practice, you can see the squirrels putting the ball into little burrows as if they’re storing them for the winter.

Play-by-play: That ball is shot to left, and it hits a barrel! That means that he has to chug a full beer before he can go for the ball. Remember, kids, don’t try this at home!

Color commentary: CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

Play-by-play: It looks like he’s going to shotgun this one! Excellent form...minimal spillage. WELL DONE!

Play-by-play: And that ball is down the line and grabbed by the Phanatic! The chase is on now!

Color commentary: Yup! As we discussed at the top of the hour, once the Phanatic has possession of a ball in play, all three outfielders can take it from him by almost any means necessary. THIS IS WHAT THE FANS PAY TO SEE!

Play-by-play: Another deep ball headed toward Macklemore corner in right field!

Color commentary: This might be the only concert where you’re encouraged to bring baseball gloves. Remember, if the crowd catches it then it’s an out, but if the crowd lets it drop it’s a ground-rule double. This really changes the meaning of crowd control.

Play-by-play: Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Play-by-play: We have a new installment on the field. We have strategically placed Capri Sun pouches everywhere.

Color commentary: What’s the meaning of this?

Play-by-play: You haven’t seen the commercials?

Color commentary: No.

Play-by-play:

Color commentary: Oh, I see. They have to respect the pouch and then catch the ball! 🤔

Play-by-play: That ball is tattooed! Michael Brantley is chasing after it; now will he go over the hurdle or under it?

Color commentary: I think he’ll go under it. I think the fact that he’s wearing cleats and can get them clipped on the hurdle provides a huge risk.

Play-by-play: That ball is high and deep and into the chili! Oh man, Billy Hamilton isn’t going to like this.

Color commentary: The chili is H-O-T. It’s not the ideal thing for an outfielder. I’ve talked to many who have put their gloves in the chili, and they say that the particles from the chili stay in the glove for many innings after. One of the outfielders told me “On the one hand, it’s hot chili. On the other hand, if you bring a bowl with you to the outfield ... it’s free chili.”

Play-by-play: And that ball gets past second. Now in any other ballpark, this is routine, but with the Tigers...oh boy.

Color commentary: We haven’t had an incident yet this season, thank God, but this is still the first season. We don’t know what these tigers are capable of.

Center fielder: nice ... kitties.

Tiger 1: ...

Tiger 2: ...

Tiger 3: ...

Color commentary: I personally think three tigers in the outfield is overkill, but Commissioner Kofie’s idea does have me on the edge of my seat.

Tiger 1: RAWR

Play-by-Play: Should we cut to commercial?

Director: No, this is good. He’s only biting the glove hand.

Color commentary: This will be ruled Tiger interference, and the runners will all advance one base. It’s a strategic move, and it absolutely scares the shit out of everyone on the field.

Marlins Park — Miami Marlins: A moat … of marlins

Play-by-play: Giancarlo Stanton hits this high and deep, and it lands in the Marlins’ new moat full of marlins. And the outfielders are going to have to enter at their own risk.

Color commentary: I had to Google if marlins bite stuff. I’ve heard of shark attacks, but I had never heard of a marlin attack. There is an animal planet YouTube video titled, MARLIN IMPALES BOY’S FACE...so that’s not ideal.

Play-by-play: Yeah, well the good news is that there’s only one marlin. The bad news is that marlins sounds pretty dangerous. I don’t know what Kofie was thinking with this one.

Color commentary: And it looks like the outfielder is waving his glove in the air. The signal for “I give up, this is a home run.”

Play-by-play: This is a pretty smart move too. That marlin is way too close to the baseball this time. We have seen other outfielders succeed in fishing the ball out of the water, no pun intended, because it’s a pretty big moat. This time, however, that marlin was too close for comfort. This will count as a homer for Stanton.

Play-by-play: This ball is headed to the track. The train tracks, excuse me.

Color commentary: Now this train isn’t fast, but it’s still not one that you want to get in front of. These outfielders are going to have to go on the train or wait until it passes over the baseball.

Play-by-play: Well, this one is on the tracks, and it’s going to be close. Springer is almost there and ...

Color commentary: I can’t watch.

Play-by-play: ... He MAKES THE CATCH OH MY GOODNESS! HOW ABOUT THAT! Now he has to throw the ball over the train because it’s whizzing by him as we speak.

Color commentary: Yup, that’s right. He can’t see the base paths, so he’ll have to rely on muscle memory and hope for the best.

Play-by-play: This ball will get through for a base hit. Now the question remains as to how many bases will be taken as that ball is headed for the snakes.

Color commentary: It’s important to remember here that these snakes aren’t diamondbacks, so they’re not poisonous. But they still pack a powerful bite.

Play-by-play: That’s correct. Also, these snakes aren’t big enough to swallow a baseball whole, but they are scary enough so that you won’t feel compelled to go near them. It’s time to see if the outfielders choose to let the runner score or risk getting bitten.

Play-by-play: It seems that we’re going to have a shift. The second baseman is heading out to right field.

Color commentary: I’ve never seen a shift like this before.

Play-by-play: It seems like...oh, he just wants some beer.

Color commentary: I can’t blame him. It’s the 13th inning...I need some beer myself.

Kid Mero: Y’all know what it is, the No. 1 show on late night ball bags and tonight’s guest is OH SHI-

Color commentary: It seems like another ball has landed on the set of Desus & Mero.

Desus: Can y’all ... um ... not hit here? We’re trying to record our guest segment.

Kid Mero: Yeah, dawg, this is the seventh time we’ve had to record this. AYO Aaron...

Aaron Judge: Yeah. Mero

Kid Mero: The next person to hit the ball over here, I want you to stomp ‘em out, B.

Aaron Judge: You got it, boss.

Play-by-play: That ball is hit to right center field, and this is going to be really tough to get because of the new Lego here at Angel Stadium.

Color commentary: Commissioner Kofie ruled that you can only wear socks in the outfield when you’re fielding the ball. There are 100 Lego pieces spread out all over the outfield, so they are going to have to watch out for the pieces.

Play-by-play: Yeah, some are easy to see while other pieces blend in with the field. Those green Legos are pretty cruel in my opinion, too...have you ever stepped on a Lego?

Color commentary: Ever since last Christmas, I can’t walk around my house without shoes on. I would have bought my kids fidget spinners or something, but those have small parts that they can swallow.

Play-by-play: Kids can swallow Legos too.

Color commentary: Yeah, but, like, those don’t go down smooth, so it’s more likely that they’ll get stuck and you can get them out.

Play-by-play: What?

Color commentary: WHAT ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO PLAY WITH?! PACKING PEANUTS?!

Play-by-play: We’ll talk about this more after the play as it looks like Mike Trout just found a green Lego, and these won’t end careers but damn that looks painful.

Color commentary: Yup. Other ballparks have snakes, trains, and chili...stepping on a Lego makes the others seem so trivial.

Play-by-play: Anyway, back to the toys thing...you didn’t get them marbles, did you?

Color commentary: What do I look like?

Play-by-play: You considered getting them fidget spinners, so I don’t know you anymore.

Play-by-play: That ball is high and now here comes the hard part...catching a fly ball while being on a moving walkway!

Color commentary: Yeah, I didn’t know what these were called before I looked it up. I just always called them flat escalators. These players are going to have to track fly balls while moving. This is the ultimate challenge.

Play-by-play: It’s not a challenge for Jose Bautista, who makes the catch!

Color commentary: Yeah, Bautista makes it look easy. He has the advantage of playing here for half of the season. He makes sure to spend extra time on fly balls in practice. He also says to be aware of when the flat escalat — moving walkways — malfunction.

Play-by-play: This ball is grounded and will go through the sea of socks and oh boy, this isn’t going to end well.

Color commentary: Ever since Commissioner Kofie eradicated rain delays, this outfield has become a nightmare. You have to deal with the huge sea of wet socks that are the same color as the baseball. Usually, you’ll see the fielder toss his glove and that’s to help with the digging process.

Play-by-play: Yikes.

Play-by-play: This one is BELTED HIGH AND DEEP.

Color commentary: And this ball is going to stay afloat for a while. The bubble room effect from Willy Wonka has been turned on. There is no one on base and the batting team is down, so they have the one-time option to turn on the bubble room!

Play-by-play: Classic scene. “You gotta burp, Charlie!”

Play-by-play: This ball will get between the left and center fielder. The good news is that this ball won’t get to the wall. The bad news is that it’s in the sandbox.

Color commentary: Yup, it’s hard trying to run in cleats and sift through the sand at the same time. A true test of patience and balance here. I’m just glad that this was implemented after my career because I would be struggling.

Play-by-play: You won four Gold Gloves.

Color commentary: Yes, but I didn’t have to deal with the same obstacles that this generation has to deal with now, thanks to Commissioner Kofie.

Play-by-play: Ah.

CONCLUSION

This has been a preview of what baseball would sound like under the regime of Commissioner Kofie. I hope you enjoyed this and will elect me/join me in a coup d’etat of whomever the current commissioner is.

(Base)ball is life.

— Commissioner Kofie