On March 27, 2017, NFL owners granted the Oakland Raiders enough votes to approve a move to Southern Nevada. That’s right: The Las Vegas Raiders, baby. SB Nation has obtained the voicemail that the Raiders left on Oakland’s phone after the news went public on Monday.
How the Raiders might’ve broken up with Oakland if they’d left a voicemail
I’m leaving you for Vegas, baby!
Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images
[Phone ringing]
Oakland: “Hey, it’s Oakland! I can’t come to my phone right now, but please leave a message at the beep. Unless you’re a telemarketer from one of those trash San Francisco tech firms that keep trying to get in touch for market research, in which case, please lose my number. Thanks!”
[Beep]
The Raiders: “Hey, Oakland. Um, it’s me. I mean, it’s the Raiders. But you know that, hah, you know the sound of my voice. You know it so well ...
[Sounds of sniffling, a choked sob]
Um, wow. Sorry, I didn’t expect this to be so hard.
[Pause, followed by a sigh]
OK, so. You definitely know by now. I’m sure you saw on Twitter, or maybe TV. Or maybe our neighbors the Warriors called you when they saw the news. But ... we’re over. I’m breaking up with you.
Look, I didn’t want you to find out this way. Truly. I wanted to be the one to tell you, but everything happened so fast. The owners just happened to all be together at their big fancy meeting, and when I casually mentioned the idea, they took it seriously and voted on it. Next thing I know, everyone’s talking about the split before I even had the chance to get on a plane and tell you myself.
OK — sorry, I’m done lying to you. This was actually very premeditated. You might’ve noticed I’ve been acting weird lately, especially when you kept wanting to talk about the Coliseum, and how nice it is, and what a home we’ve turned it into. Because the truth is, Oakland —”
[Voicemail cuts off, phone rings again]
Oakland: “Hey, it’s Oakland! I can’t come to my phone right now, but please leave a message at the beep. Unless you’re a telemarketer from one of those trash San Francisco tech firms that keep trying to get in touch for market research, in which case, please lose my number. Thanks!”
[Beep]
The Raiders: “Hey, sorry, I got cut off. What was I saying? Oh, right. OK, the truth is that I hate living with you these days. That might sound harsh, but I feel stifled. And our shitty old stadium is so goddamn expensive.
So, I was feeling this way already, but then I met Vegas. The chemistry was just, like, explosive. Because, let’s face it, I’ve evolved. I’m getting way hotter; we can agree on that, right? I’ve lost some weight, shed some bad habits, picked up a few promising young guys. I’m doing really well these days. I went 12-4 last year! Twelve wins! Remember how we celebrated with all that champagne? What a wild night.
[Coughing]
Sorry, that’s probably not helpful. So, uh, I want to clear some stuff up; I’m totally not moving for the —”
[Voicemail cuts off, phone rings again]
Oakland: “Hey, it’s Oakland! I can’t come to my phone right now, but please leave a message at the beep. Unless you’re a telemarketer from one of those trash San Francisco tech firms that keep trying to get in touch for market research, in which case, please lose my number. Thanks!”
[Beep]
The Raiders: “Ugh, really wish you’d pick up. I haven’t left a voicemail in a while — who knew they cut you off after like 30 seconds? A text felt too impersonal. But I digress.
What I want you to know is this: This isn’t about the money. I mean, sure, the taxpayers are going to be footing the bill for a lot of the stadium Vegas and I will move into. $750 million of it, in fact. I know it looks bad since we couldn’t get that same deal here in California, but ... I swear it’s about the love Vegas and I have.
I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. We had so many good times together. Last year was great, yeah, but even in the darker days, there was light. Remember when I finally won a game in 2014? At home against the Chiefs? Man. We’ve been through a lot.
[A choked sob, sniffling]
Speaking of being good together, um, this is kind of awkward, but I’m going to have to stay on the lease for a little bit. I’ll be, like, super respectful, but I can’t move in with Vegas for at least two years, so —”
[Voicemail cuts off, phone rings again]
Oakland: “Hey, it’s Oakland! I can’t come to my phone right now, but please leave a message at the beep. Unless you’re a telemarketer from one of those trash San Francisco tech firms that keep trying to get in touch for market research, in which case, please lose my number. Thanks!”
[Beep]
The Raiders: “I’m going to complain to Apple about this iPhone voicemail time limit, this is ridiculous.
What I was saying, though, is that I hope we can still be civil while I’m living with you for these next couple years. I promise I’ll be classy about it ... in fact, I’m happy to buy back any of the season tickets you don’t want. I want to make this as easy as possible for you.
I also want you to know that I won’t toy with you and come running back like I did in ’94 after I left you for Los Angeles. This time, I’m gone for real.
I’m sorry. I’ll always hold you in my heart and think of you fondly. I just .... I need nice things, public money, and shiny places right now. I hope someday you can understand, and that you get the team you deserve. The team I can’t be for you right now.”
[Phone clicks, call ends]
[Phone ringing]
Oakland: “Hey, it’s Oakland! I can’t come to my phone right now, but please leave a message at the beep. Unless you’re a telemarketer from one of those trash San Francisco tech firms that keep trying to get in touch for market research, in which case, please lose my number. Thanks!”
[Beep]
The Raiders:
“Sorry, one last thing: Mark was wondering if you knew the name of a good hair dresser in Vegas? He wants to be sure he can keep the bangs freshly trimmed once we move. Thanks. Love you.
[Pause]
Uh, guess I shouldn’t say that anymore. So, uh, bye. Bye.”
Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images
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